


Dry Sandcastles

by CuddlyKoala



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Character Death, Child Abandonment, Eugenism, Genocide, Happy Ending, Kodos does creepy things to Jim's mind, M/M, Other Characters - Freeform, Slow Burn, Starvation, Tarsus IV
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-03
Updated: 2017-05-25
Packaged: 2018-07-19 20:00:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 20
Words: 50,443
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7375492
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CuddlyKoala/pseuds/CuddlyKoala
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><em>In hindsight, crashing a car from a cliff wasn’t a good idea.</em><br/>Seriously, he should have thought twice before stealing that car.<em></em></p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The age of foolishness

**Author's Note:**

> Now I know why there aren't that many stories dealing with the Tarsus IV era. It's heartbreaking to write. I wasn't sure how to tag it and if you're unsure of anything, send me a message first. I'll also add tags on demand. Seriously people, it's going to be sad and scary. With a happy ending, I promise. Oh, and when I tag slow burn, I mean it. They don't even meet before chapter 17 and it's really not the main point of the story.  
> Also, English is not my first language so please feel free to point out any mistake.

In hindsight, crashing a car from a cliff wasn’t a good idea. Jim couldn’t say he regretted it. However, he could say he wished he had thought the consequences through a bit more before doing it.

Being on a starship was supposed to be awesome, a grand adventure. This wasn’t a grand adventure and the furthest thing from awesome he could imagine. The flying and stinking tin can he was stuck in didn’t leave much place to imagination. Rules. Everywhere. Apparently, it was supposed to prepare them (him!) to life on a colony. A Hard, Dangerous life, they said. With quite audible capitals.

_How the fuck do I get out of there?_

Franck had done things well. He had registered them both for the colonist effort, come with Jim, made him board and walked out, never showing himself again. Franck was an idiot and he still managed to pull that off without trouble. Jim was a genius and he knew it. The thing was, some problem didn’t have an immediate solution. While he was still aboard, there was nowhere to run away to and once on Tarsus, there wouldn’t be any ship to get away.

All the genius in the world wouldn’t help him. Going to the authorities to signal his status wouldn’t help and besides Jim hadn’t liked the Governor’s speech which had been broadcast on the whole ship just after departure. He didn’t know why, it just gave him the creeps. Or perhaps it was just his voice, oily and repulsive. No one had seemed to find anything weird, though and Jim didn’t want to attract attention to himself.

Currently, he was hiding behind a pile of crates, so bored he was counting them just to pass the time. He had reached Medical Supplies (3) when he heard voices.

He identified the man talking as the Captain. He was arguing with the Governor. Jim perked an ear.

“You really should have waited before we left, Kodos. You’re going to find yourself short of half your supplies and that won’t be my fault.”

“No one is suggesting it is. I made the decision to leave. Postponing our departure would only have raised the docking fees. I assume full responsibility for that decision. Besides, these supplies can always be delivered at a later date.”

Their voices dimmed as they continued on their way.

Jim looked around him. He had assumed there were other stocking areas for the supplies they were embarking but if this was all they were taking… he didn’t know exactly how many colonists were leaving but these three medical crates would hardly be enough for the “Hard and Dangerous life” of several thousands of colonists.

Perhaps he could stay on board while everyone was disembarking? Or scrap parts and build his own shuttle?

_Yeah, sure._

In the meantime, he needed to find where he could eat something. Wasn’t possible to stay under the radar with a growling stomach.

***

It was…laughably easy. He just needed to say he was going to take his meal in his cabin with his uncle and no one batted an eye. He got two portions, which, hopefully, could last him a bit and sat back in the storage area. Maybe people had noticed more than he thought, or perhaps they were just worried about their new life. Either way, everyone seemed on edge and uninterested in wondering what a child was doing asking for his guardian’s meal. This suited Jim just fine. It was just that… he didn’t know, but there was a tight knot in his stomach.

Seriously, he should have thought twice before stealing that car.

                                                                                           ***                                                                                            

Interstellar travel was boring. Every day the same, every meal as tasteless, every person as grey in their lack of attention or standing out qualities.

It took a month to reach Tarsus IV. A month of trying to figure out how to get himself out of this mess.

Any plan to stay on board and make the travel back as a stowaway flew out of the sas when he heard Security would do a full sweep of the ship, ostensibly to make sure nothing and no one got forgotten _. Obviously_. Jim was small and could hide pretty well but even he couldn’t fool scanners.

With a heavy heart and a bright smile, he took his place in the line, waiting to get registered, his jacket’s pocket heavy with the spare parts he had scraped from the ship. If nothing else, he could certainly build something that would keep him busy for a good month.

“Kid! You’re alone?” The security officer’s voice clearly hinted he didn’t believe it.

“No, sir. My uncle is behind in the line. We got separated in the crowd.” There. Security officers liked it better when you were polite. Jim had a lot of experience with them.

“OK, then, have you got your ID? Because I need them to register you.” _No, truly_?

With an internal sigh, Jim handed him his ID chip. After a few seconds, he got it back, with an admonition to “stay close to his uncle. This was a colony and people didn’t have the time to look for a child.”

The bluest sky he had ever seen welcomed him as he stepped out of the shuttle. The air smelled… different.

Wrong, maybe? Perhaps it was merely because it wasn’t Earth. Perhaps it was because all he had breathed for a month had been stale, recycled spaceship air.

At least, it was clean.

Which was all well and good but didn’t solve his problems.  How was he supposed to build a house on his own without getting noticed by anyone?

Well, inventiveness was a particular talent of his. If one made it look like he was at his place no one would call him on it. It was a trick he had often used back on Earth when he wanted to do some shoplifting. _Or not be bothered by anyone but there was no need to think about that now._

Duly armed with his papers, he walked to the discharging area where the crates where being piled and got in another line to get what he would need. From what he was hearing in front of him, the colony had gotten premade buildings and tents.

As he expected, no one seemed to think strange a child was being sent to pick up building supplies.

What should he get? Maybe the tent would be easier to put together?

“Hello, young man!” The woman manning the stand had a cheerful smile despite the crowd bustling all around, sweating, groaning and pushing.

He handed her his ID.

“Hello, ma’am. May I get the premade building package, please?”

She nodded approvingly. Her smile creased well-practiced lines around her mouth.

“So prettily asked I can’t refuse. Here it is. Don’t forget to bring back the antigrav unit after you’re done!”

After a while everyone would have a house and a tent would look out of place. Jim sighed.

_Hope it’s the right choice._

He dragged the package with the antigrav unit to his assigned emplacement. He looked at the pile of walls and something that looked like, perhaps, a roof with despair. He was supposed to build all that in two hours if he wanted a chance at other supplies and food. Casting a glace around, he could make in the distance the shape of people working on their own home, usually by groups of three.

Jim swore quietly. _Best to get at work now, isn’t it?_

Half an hour later, he stopped to wipe his forehead.

 _Whoever invented antigrav units, thank you._ Jim scrunched his face up, trying to figure out how to fit the roof pieces together.

He clenched his jaw stubbornly and went back to his task.

 The sun seemed to have declined when he noticed it again. He climbed down from his perch and took a few steps back to admire his handiwork. The end result was… not very artistic and would probably make an architect cry but Jim was no architect and his dizziness reminded him he merely wanted to eat something and sleep. He groaned softly. Every one of his muscles was aching, his hands were raw and bloodied and his clothing was adhering to his body in a really disgusting manner. Sadly, there wouldn’t be any shower for him as long as a pipe and sewer system wouldn’t have been established.

He slicked back his hair with sweat and made his way toward the house supplies line. He didn’t need much more than a blanket and some kitchenware. Everything was solar-powered, which, Jim thought examining the sky, was probably the soundest decision of the whole damn expedition.

                                                                                 ***                                                                                   

Once settled in his new house, Jim sat down his meal in hands, muscles screaming.

Everything crashed on him at once.

He was alone in a place where he was pretty sure everything would go down to hell soon.

He had no way to contact anyone.

He wouldn’t even know who to contact, should he have the equipment.

He was in trouble and he was going to have to face all of it on his own.

As he was spooning his soup, Jim started to cry. In exhaustion, in fear and in anger. With a muffled scream, he threw the bowl at the wall. It bounced with a muted and unsatisfying thud before rolling on the grassy ground. Damn. _Why nothing could go the way he wanted?_

Jim thought idly that he should remove the blades of blue grass which littered the floor of his new home. The blue grass was the proverbial drop. Now he was sobbing in earnest. Forgoing any kind of washing up, he grabbed his blanket, unrolled his mattress and cried himself to sleep.

To his surprise, he slept soundly and without nightmares.

                                                                                         ***                                                                                            

His personal alarm woke him up. Rolling on his back, he shook his head, trying to get rid of the too sweet scent of the blue grass.

 _Idiot._ Falling asleep nose in the grass. He had no idea of the local flora and fauna’s characteristics. . Any kind of animal could have attacked him, he could have had an allergic reaction. He wasn’t actually certain a full planet’s study had been made before sending colonists. The whole operation reeked of unpreparedness and… something else Jim couldn’t quite define.

Grabbing one of the bars he had gotten the previous evening, he munched it slowly, trying to determine his next step of action.

A shrill siren sound, obviously meant to call everyone at once broke the air. He wiped his mouth and got up. He didn’t want more people to see him on his own but he needed more information on what was going on, how the work would be attributed and, more importantly, how he could hack in the colony’s database to erase any and all mention of Franck. Jim was pretty sure tasks would be attributed nominally and, if someone went missing, it would become evident real soon there was a kid on his own in the colony. As he ran a hand through his hair, he wondered if this pretense was actually sustainable for more than a few days.

If it was worth the effort _._

There was a large open space where the transport shuttles had landed the day before and everyone was converging there, yawning for the youngest and looking very focused for the adults. Jim chose a place in the middle of the crowd, near a large group of children, hoping to pass unnoticed.

Governor Kodos was a middle-aged man. Jim wasn’t sure how old he really was. The creases on his face suggested he was perhaps older than he looked but his posture was that of a man in his forties. His back was perfectly straight, his hands folded behind it. He wore the ubiquitous dark gray uniform most colonists did. He was surrounded by three men and a woman. They were completely in the morning light and Jim couldn’t see them properly. He could see Governor Kodos well enough though, and for a second they looked each other in the eyes. Jim hoped he hadn’t seen him. His eyes were hard, but not in a cold way. Rather, they were burning with intent. Jim didn’t want his attention.

He raised his hands, asking for silence. He obtained it in a few seconds, people staring at him, ready to listen to his speech. The way he was working the crowd before even saying a word was impressive. Chill spread through Jim’s body.

_“My friends, today is a great day. It is the first day our settlement can greet the dawn together. And truly, dawn is the right moment for it since it is the dawn of a new life for us all.”_

His voice was rising and downing in all the right places. Jim realized he had placed himself strategically so that everyone could see him, surrounded by light but not eclipsed by it.

_“I can only promise you the fruits of a hard labour, and hard it will be, I won’t lie to you. There will be danger and there will be times of distress. There will also be rewards and we will emerge from this fight victorious and greater than we began. The colonial effort of Tarsus IV is not made for the weak of heart and those who don’t believe in doing everything and beyond for the good of the community. We must all strive to devote ourselves to its betterment, to its survival._

_My friends, I won’t promise you an easy time. I will promise you, however, that we will prevail against all obstacles._

_Thank you for your attention. Officer Daniels will receive every adult to determine to which task you will be best suited. Children are invited to gather in the secured area prepared for them which you can see here. School will start in a few hours. A meal will be provided for them in the meantime.”_

It was worth the effort. The burden of hiding in the middle of the crowd no longer weighted on Jim. It was, at least for now, concealed by the adrenalin release this speech had triggered. His heart was beating wildly.

Being spotted would mean being absorbed by the colony in the worst possible way. Jim didn’t know what exactly was putting him so ill at ease. However, he knew people and he knew what it meant to make sacrifices for the community.

He was pretty sure he didn’t like the picture the puzzle’s pieces were starting to form.


	2. Luck and meaningful coincidences

Jim took advantage of the children gathering to slip away toward the central building where he suspected the only terminal would be. He couldn’t afford not to go to school. A child on his own would arise suspicion. It wouldn’t start for several hours though, and no one would miss him.

_Hopefully._

The building was surprisingly unguarded. Though, considering the general composition of the colonists... No one had shown any particular interest in technology beyond agrarian purposes.

The terminal wasn’t hard to find or to access. Jim _tssk_ ed aloud when he cracked the access codes without even breaking a sweat. He didn’t know who had set up the safety but it was honestly laughable.

The hard part was to make sure every direct and indirect (such as colonist’s headcounts) references to Franck were definitely erased, without leaving any trace which would suggest tampering. Once he was certain he hadn’t left behind anything incriminating, he retreated quietly and treaded quietly the ground to the children’s area. He hoped they were still there. As simple as the task had been, it had taken more time than expected to clean the database.

***

The children were still there. They were also watched. It was subtle and adults weren’t in the middle of the area doing policing but when seen from the outside, Jim couldn’t miss the guards lurking around the area and observing them. He stopped to evaluate his options. As he was determining the best way to get inside without being noticed, a ball landed at his feet. He waited deliberately for a minute then grabbed it and ran toward the area, waving it.

As he expected, no one seemed to notice he hadn’t been there a few minutes ago. Jim entered the games easily and kept it up until three women came inside the area and one of them whistled sharply. They gathered around them.

The whistler was the oldest of the three, all graying hair and deep laugh crinkles around her eyes and mouth. If she were a teacher, she seemed all right to Jim. She introduced herself as Maria. The second was a pretty dark-skinned woman with bouncy feet who spoke very fast. It seemed she couldn’t stay in place for a minute. Jim managed to figure out they were supposed to call her Aida. The third one had the glossiest, blackest hair Jim had ever seen and a small army of wristbands up both her arms and informed them in a no nonsense voice she was Akiak. Jim considered her carefully. She seemed quite formidable. Someone he should avoid to cross.

_Absolutely great._

All this didn’t bode well for him. He had hoped for laxist and unconcerned teachers. Seemed like he would be getting the exact opposite. Jim enjoyed challenges, but this was enthusiastically jumping from challenge to disaster in waiting.

Had his father felt the same impending doom as he was crashing the _Kelvin_ on the hostile starship? The thought was random and concerning. Why would he be thinking of his father’s death at this specific moment, except to warn him he was in even bigger troubles than he thought?

Scratch all thoughts of challenge. He was already swimming in disaster.

Their first day of school went better than expected. Still, Jim knew better than to lower his guard. After brief introductions, they were separated by age groups. The youngest, four to eight year old, went with Maria, the nine to thirteen year old, Jim included, followed Akiak and the oldest stayed with Aida.

In his age group, they were seventeen, nine girls and eight boys. As Akiak questioned them to evaluate their general level, Jim observed the scene warily. Akiak was correcting one of the boys about his faulty grammar and he didn’t feel like listening to the whole explanation. If he weren’t trying to pass unnoticed, he would have requested to go with the older students. Perhaps there, he might have learnt something useful. School would be a galactic waste of time. He repressed a yawn.

“Jim, do you have something to add?”

He cursed himself for losing sight of his situation for a minute.

“No ma’am.”

She tilted her head on the side, examining him. All of a sudden, he became very aware of his disgusting clothes and the layers of dirt on his skin and hair. Fantastic. Now she would think he had no one to care for him at home. Not that it wouldn’t be the truth, but the last thing he needed was her prying into his home life.

“Then perhaps you would care to enlighten your classmates on the laws of motion?”

What was she taking him for? A five year old?

“There are three laws of motion, also called laws of Newton from the scientist who discovered them. The first one is the law of inertia and states that every object in a state of uniform motion tends to stay in that state of motion unless an external force is applied to it. The second law…”

As he reached the end of the explanation after glossing at length over the amendments made to the original laws, she was looking at him with her too sharp eyes and he realized he had fallen right in her trap.

He closed his eyes briefly. Why was he thinking that going to school would help him in flying under the radar again?

When she went back to the rest of the class, he swore some more in his head and kept his attention back on the lesson. He wouldn’t learn any academic knowledge here but it was a perfect place to practice his deceiving skills.

_If Akiak didn’t call him on it at least._

Still, he was going to be bored as hell. He would have to find a project to keep himself entertained. He recalled his morning thought about the local wildlife. Maybe he could do some scientific hunting and categorizing? It deserved some thought.

He made sure to say a polite goodbye and smile to Akiak before leaving. Her suspicious eyes followed him for a long time. The tingle and slight shiver on his back never missed.

***

The small premade house wasn’t particularly welcoming but, at least, it was a shelter from prying eyes. He dropped the school bag he had been given and slipped to the ground, utterly exhausted. He needed to create a real battle plan if he wanted to survive in this environment. His usual go with the flow and see what happens wasn’t going to work.

The first priority was school. He would have to spend most of his days there and this promised to be the hardest one. Akiak didn’t look like someone who could easily be run around. He needed to look like a properly cared for child, act like one and avoid any situation that would cause an adult to call his hypothetical guardian.

The second priority was the neighbors. Someone was bound to notice that no adult ever came out of this house, and that Jim always walked alone everywhere. Sadly, there wasn’t much that could be done about it, except weaving preemptively some lies for when the time would come.

Of course, administrative problems could happen but Jim didn’t feel too concerned. After erasing any and all mention of Franck, no one from this house should be called. On the other hand, considering the situation he was in, perhaps optimism was dangerous. He smiled joylessly.

Always expect the worst. And prepare for it. If he had to run, having food supplies and a place to hide were a must. On the same note, learning his environment was a necessity: Jim knew he would feel significantly better once he would know what could be dangerous in terms of flora and fauna, if it was likely the planet presented geological risks and so on… he hadn’t found any trace of such a study having been conducted before, which was concerning. Jim grinded his teeth, suddenly angry that no one had called Kodos on it. Though, to be fair, calling Kodos on anything didn’t sound like a good survival strategy.

In the meantime, Jim badly needed a good wash, something to eat, and perhaps to make this place livable. Getting rid of the grass would be a good first step. He got on his knees with a sigh. Two hours later, his hands and knees were raw and the cabin’s floor was simple and reasonably leveled dirt. He would have to find something to pour all over it to make it safe and easier to live.

He cast a glance around, a vain effort to find a way to have his more than overdue shower. Among the supplies he had gotten the previous day, there was a kind of chemical substitute for soap that smelled absolutely awful but, according to the package, would do the job nicely. He had seen a stream not so very far. In the absence of a real shower and a sewer system, this would do.

***

The stream was cold. Really cold. Freezing cold. He soaped himself quickly and rinsed even faster. But at least, Jim was clean, had clean clothes on and was feeling a lot better.

He walked back to the house, squinting against the setting sun.

 “Hello, young man! You’re our closest neighbor, I believe? I saw you at the gathering.”

He startled at the voice. It belonged to a cheerful lady he recalled seeing at the gathering on the central place.

“And you were at school with us, right?” added a chestnut-haired fifteen year old boy he actually remembered for his easy going manners and welcoming smile. Jim didn’t like people like that. He never knew when they were going to change into something completely different. He much preferred outright dangerous and unpleasant people: they were far more predictable and he knew how to react to them.

Running away or refusing to talk to them wasn’t an option, however. It would only arouse suspicion. Jim forced the muscles around his mouth to stretch until they reached a decent-sized smile. He didn’t feel like it was a very sincere smile but it seemed to fool everyone.

“Yes, I remember seeing you too. You’re in the age level above mine with Aida, right?”

“Yes. I’m Logan, by the way.” The boy’s smile was now an infectious grin. Without even thinking, Jim smiled back in reflex, more genuinely this time.

“Jim.”

“You live in the small house over there, hmm?” The mother, her gaze thankfully clear of any suspicion.

“Yes.”

“I won’t make you wait any longer then. Your family must be waiting for you.”

She was fishing for information. Time to be convincing. Jim could sense how important the next seconds were going to be.

“Yes, uncle Franck is probably wondering why I’m taking so long.” If he told her not to worry, chances were, she would visit his uncle Franck to make sure he knew to give Jim the proper amount of attention and if he told her outright that Franck was waiting for him, she would pay him a visit to reassure herself the concerned uncle Jim was perfectly safe with her. Either way, not good. Telling her he was merely wondering painted a picture of a reasonably concerned but relatively supple uncle.

It worked like a charm. She smiled brightly and the whole family waved their hand.

He answered in kind and walked away at a brisk pace, his fist clenched around his pouch. He had expected something like that to happen sooner or later but this was really soon. _Too soon._ Now what he really needed to do was to keep the whole family at bay without being unfriendly.

Undercover spy stories were exciting to read. They never mentioned how terrifying they were to actually live. Not that he was a spy. He was just a lonely eleven year old trying to survive.

***

The evening meal was quiet save for the obnoxious noise of the food’s wrapping and in the silence he started dreaming of a large, happy family. The kind of family he could have had if his dad hadn’t gotten himself killed to save him and his mother, if Winona had been more concerned about her child, if Franck had had a more developed sense of family. He sighed softly and pushed back his hair. It was a lot of ifs. Dreaming of something he would never have was pointless but, somehow, he knew it wouldn’t be the last time he would.

Settling on the ground with his blanket, he crossed his arms behind his head. He was so fucking tired and it had only been one day. He was going to have to do this every single day until he could find a way out.

_No mistake allowed._

It was his last thought before he sank into sleep.


	3. Dodging questions

Jim had often thought back on Earth that things wouldn’t be any different if he were to live alone. After all, Franck was never there, Jim had to do pretty much everything by himself. He was now realizing how wrong he had been.

He had been there for a week and he was exhausted.

There was much to be done on a colony and it _was_ a hard life. Kodos hadn’t lied on that point. There was community duty every morning before going to school and every afternoon after it. It usually included working on the establishment of the sewer system and running errands left and right for the adults. Aside from the tasks being tiring and uninteresting, Jim often found himself frustrated to no end as he was left executing poorly made plans. Unfortunately, bringing this to the competent authority would totally go against his fly under the radar policy. Besides, he wasn’t completely certain these plans hadn’t deliberately been badly designed.

The whole operation seemed increasingly weird. This was a colony, for crying out loud! They were outside well-travelled Federation’s roads and couldn’t expect any support from it. What kind of person left with not even half of their supplies? What kind of person hid the fact from the colonists? What kind of person left useless on the long term sewer be installed?

The obvious answer would be someone who doesn’t expect he is going to be there for the long run. However, and that was what messed the most with Jim’s mind, what gain could he expect from all this?

In addition, Jim really disliked his repeated speeches on the physical and moral strength everyone should have in order to survive the colony. Of course it was necessary to be in prime condition, but to Jim’s knowledge, it was a pre requisite of the initial selection anyway. Why insisting on this now?

Jim had had history lessons at school, when he had bothered attending. They had, actually, been fairly interesting and more than a little scary. He remembered two things especially. The first was the statistics. In the first year of existence, more than fifty percent of colonies failed. Twenty other percent in the second year. On the total, only a measly ten percent managed to survive and strive after several decades.

He also remembered that, on the fifty failing colonies, thirty-seven percent of them failed in the first five months, usually to a high death toll. He remembered stories of tragedies told in compassionate and neutral terms destined to both mark their minds and not scare them. But, more than anything else, he remembered that in the list of common causes of failure figured the destructive leader.

Colony efforts attracted a certain kind of person. It was common knowledge and what he was seeing didn’t belie the rumour. As for being a destructive leader, Jim didn’t have rock solid evidence to it, but his instinct were screaming it was a clear-cut case of it.

The thing was, what was he supposed to do about it? There wasn’t any available authority over Kodos, he would never manage to convince the other colonists, at least not without Kodos calling him on it and there wasn’t anywhere to go.

This situation sucked. Truly.

Anyway, this was a semi long term problem. Right now, he had to find a way to stay awake to do everything that was required of him. Community duties, school, studying the desolate bit of rock they were living on and keeping a low, dirt-razing profile, shirking any question, always keeping his guard up was just too much.

Exhaustion didn’t even cover it. Exhaustion, he could deal with. Hard work and high spirits could achieve a lot. The problem was that exhaustion led to mistakes and one mistake was enough to make his whole story crumble. He couldn’t afford the slightest lapse. He had had a few close calls in the last days, thankfully nothing major, but living in the fear of something happening was taking a heavy toll on his already rather low spirits.

He stretched his legs in front of him, wishing he had time to do some decorating in his house. Nothing much, just some kind of protective surface on the floor, perhaps a table and a chair, possibly a bed. In the meantime, he should get back to the makeshift lab set behind the school to analyze some animal samples he had gotten.

***

It had quickly been established that the local fauna was mostly inedible, bordering on toxic, because of their diet. Said diet was mostly comprised of flora, which meant and was confirmed by Jim’s analysis, that it was toxic as well. Lovely planet, really. Couldn’t have dreamt a better place to settle a colony. He had some hope for the bugs, as he remembered reading once their digestive system worked fairly differently from the other species. He had also gotten some water samples from a river three hours walk from the settlement. He had deemed it interesting to test because he had been there at dusk and hadn’t seen any animal coming for a drink, or even a swim.

Draping his coat over his shoulders, he set to the task of carrying his samples stealthily to the lab. It wouldn’t do to be caught by one of the guard always lurking around the town. The nights were getting colder and he was shivering by the time he reached the lab. He kept his coat on inside, hoping to find some warmth now that he was out of the wind.

The available microscope and scanner were laughable. They had better equipment in his second zone school back on Earth. Still, it allowed Jim to see stuff he couldn’t otherwise, so it counted for something, he supposed.

The bug he poetically named number 1 for lack of a better terminology had a weird marking on its head resembling a pair of glasses. It reminded Jim of a venomous snake that could still be found in some part of America. He had read about a bear with these markings too, though he couldn’t remember if it was extinct or not. Under the microscope, he set to the task of dissecting the little thing, extracting what looked like a gland (or maybe it was its stomach?) from the body. It was of an angry red colour and didn’t look appetizing in the least. Jim ran some basic tests which led him to conclude that, at least this part of the bug was highly toxic. The rest though… maybe he was onto something. He ran the tests corresponding to the most common toxic chemicals found on the planet and got only negative answers. Maybe then, it was edible. Not really tasty and not really nutritious, but something to eat, anyway.

He repeated the operation with the four other types of bugs he had found and a kind of black slug, worm, whatever. It got him two additional potential sources of food.

Of course, the sector guard had to choose this particular moment to enter the lab, leaving Jim with barely two seconds of warning before throwing the cover over the equipment and diving under the table. He waited, his heart pounding so loudly he was sure the guard would hear it, until the threat drew farther.

Cursing the guard’s bad timing, Jim got back to his tests, switching to the water’s samples. They were…weird. Jim was no bio specialist, and lots of micro organisms were indeed supposed to be swimming in unfiltered water, but these… he definitely didn’t recognize. They were fast. A lot faster than anything he had ever seen, with…wait…were they changing form? Mutating? Even with his limited knowledge, he knew it wasn’t good. Maybe he should tell someone? Anonymously? These organisms seemed contained to certain specific areas. If they had never moved before, perhaps they wouldn’t now. He would just have to warn people not to go there to avoid spreading them.

They seemed to be quite resistant, as well. They didn’t mind the cold, they didn’t mind the heat, they didn’t mind the addition of various highly toxic chemicals such as copper, lead, mercury, merely mutating at an astonishing speed. It was, actually, getting frightening. Jim tried gasifying the waters and then burn the organisms. To his relief, it worked. They were vulnerable to high heats.

After thoroughly burning every last one of them, he switched off every device, deeply troubled. He had to do something but it would expose him. Maybe not immediately, but it would.

Not for the first time since his arrival, he felt overwhelmed by the situation. It was becoming his by default mode and he didn’t like it. Courting danger was one thing. Running heedlessly hoping to avoid disaster was a completely different one.

Back in his makeshift bed, Jim was thinking about the organisms he had observed. Something was bugging him, something he couldn’t quite put his finger on. Anyway, he had to do something about it. These things couldn’t be allowed to spread. He had to elaborate a plan of attack. He yawned, fighting his dropping eyelids. He had to… he had to…find a way to talk to people without letting them know…

***

_“You were right, sir. He came. Seemed quite intent on finding something. He had switched on the scanners and stuff. He hid when I came in._

_“Good, quite good. He’s an interesting young man, this Jim Kirk, isn’t he?”_

_“Sir?”_

_“His first day, he hacked the colony’s computer and erased quite a number of information. Including the fact he is here on his own. He is a promising child, don’t you think? A fine specimen, really…”_

_***_

He woke up with the first rays of the local sun, a bright, piercing light. It took him a few seconds to process everything, sending him in a brief fit of panic when he recalled the mutating organisms.

He stumbled outside the house after a expedited breakfast, wincing when the sunlight hit his eyes directly.

“Hey, Jim!”

Damn. Today of all days, Logan had to decide to pester him. If he were honest with himself, something Jim didn’t feel very inclined to do at the moment, he would admit he enjoyed the older boy’s company. Logan acted a bit like the older brother he wished he had had. He was always cheerful, always ready to lend a hand. The perfect little colonist. The thing was, Logan was a chatterbox and Jim needed to think.

“Hey!” His smile felt false to himself. He hoped Logan wouldn’t notice.

“I was wondering… Mum wanted to invite you and your uncle to dinner one of these days. Tonight, she is making a shepherd’s pie. It’s not the real deal since you can’t find the proper ingredients here, but it’s pretty good anyway. So you’re all invited. What do you think?”

Damn. Something like this had to happen. He knew he should never have gotten friendly with them. Now, it was going to be very hard to refuse. His words died on his lips when he saw the hopeful look on Logan’s face. Disappointing him would be… unpleasant. It would feel a bit like kicking a puppy.

“Oh… hmm… I don’t know. I don’t want to impose.”

“You wouldn’t, silly. Mum is inviting you. And your uncle,” he added, almost an afterthought.

Jim saw his chance.

“Then I would be delighted to come, but I’m afraid Uncle Franck won’t make it. It’s Thursday, and on Thursday, he is always having a drink with friends.” Well, it was, technically, the truth.

“It’s fine. You’re most welcome, don’t worry and don’t forget to come.”

Jim wouldn’t. The situation would get ugly very fast if they were to come knocking at the door and they didn’t find anything reminding someone else lived there. Speaking of which, Jim should do something about that soon.

School went more slowly than the snail Jim had once observed for a whole afternoon back on Earth. Akiak seemed ready to call him on lack of attention several times but always refrained. Maybe she was sensing something was wrong. Jim briefly considered going to her. She was nice and intelligent. She was also paid by Kodos personally to teach here. Jim repressed a sigh. He wasn’t any further in his grand plan of warning people about the mutating micro organisms.

And now he had to think about dinner with the O’Connells. It couldn’t happen at a worst time, really. He would have to keep his guard up all the time to avoid letting anything damning.

***

Dark was nearing when he made his way to the house, the pang of nervousness that never left him these days more pronounced than usual.

The smells wafting out of the house, home, as Logan had called it _and Jim certainly didn’t feel any jealousy about not being able to call any place home_ , were indeed enticing. Jim hadn’t had a real meal since before their departure from Earth and his last home-cooked meal, well, he didn’t even remember it. His stomach was growling and he was salivating before even stepping through the door.

It was warm inside, not the hotness that made Jim sweat through his days but a warmth that was welcoming. It was exactly what Jim was fearing. He entered shyly, not knowing what to do with himself.

“Hey Jim!” Logan’s usual greeting.

“Jim, Jim, Jim!” His little sister Abigail, a lovely butterfly, according to her brother.

“Hello, Jim. Welcome here!” Sophia, the mother. More measured than the rest of her family, except for her husband. He wasn’t back yet. Charles, the middle child, wasn’t there either, staying with a friend to do his homework. Jim knew he would be back on time for dinner. He usually saw him running to the house just before mealtime.

“Thank you for inviting me, Mrs O’Connell.” Being polite. That was key. Everyone liked well-behaved kids.

“Thank you for coming, Jim. It makes us all very happy.” Jim could tell she was sincere. Suddenly he was more worried. She must have sensed something was off to be so concerned. Jim cursed himself. Of course, she would have. His friends’ mothers always knew when something was wrong or when their children where lying. He hadn’t any firsthand experience but he knew how to observe. This was a concerned mother.

Now, how to alleviate her concern?

“May I help you with dinner, Mrs O’Connell?”

“Nonsense, dear! Go and play with Logan and Abigail. I will call you all when it’ll be time to dress the table.”

Abigail had something called a puzzle. Jim had heard of them but never seen one for real. Apparently, the aim was to put all the pieces in the right order to form a picture given on the box. Both Logan and Abigail seemed to take the game very seriously. It was a challenge and Jim took it as such. Soon, they were all engrossed in putting pieces in the right places.

Seeing Logan caring unconsciously for his sister, tucking a stray lock, smoothing her dress, handing her a piece so that she could put more to her own tally was painful. Family was a word which had lost any meaning to Jim a long time ago, if it ever had any. Now, he was wondering what exactly he had been missing.

“Guys! Time’s up! Dress the table!”

As if on cue, Kevin and Charles passed the door and went to wash their hands. Soon, they were all tucked around the table. It was true the shepherd’s pie was extraordinary. The whole familial atmosphere was even more extraordinary to Jim.

“So, Jim, tell us. Where are you from, initially?”

“Iowa. A place called Riverside.” There had been a shitload of media coverage about the Kelvin. He hoped no one would connect the dots. So far, it hadn’t happened. Didn’t mean it wouldn’t.

“We’re from Ireland,” Kevin said proudly. “Not sure we should have left, but, well, there didn’t seem to be a lot left for us so we came here. Time will tell.”

“And I’m from Italy. At least, my parents were. I was born in America, just like you.” No need to correct her assumptions. It served him well.

“Well, as far as I know, we’re all American. I don’t really know, actually.”

“And your uncle Franck? I don’t think I ever saw him on any work. Yet I think I went to them all.”

Shit. Brilliant.

“I’m not sure. When he comes home, he’s too tired to speak about work.” _Play it with humor_.

“And on Earth?” This was slipping fast from curious investigation to downright prying and Jim frowned.

“He had a farm. Just, well, he always said it was hard to stay competitive with the big farms which could afford the good material.”

“Sure. Knew that, too. That’s why we left, more or less.” They seemed to have accepted his explanation. Money was the same everywhere, apparently.

They wanted to ask about his parents. He could see it. They were just too polite to ask. Well, according to the manual of instruction to Starfleet ambassadors, it was important to remain in control of the flux of information. In other terms, best to control the way the information was delivered than to wait for a question that could be phrased in a very inconvenient way.

“After my father’s death, my mother sought her fortune elsewhere. She tried a few things, but in the end, she couldn’t come back. So she left me with uncle Franck.” No need to precise she couldn’t bear to look at him. Actually, he didn’t even know if she were still alive. They didn’t miss each other and it was good that way.

Obviously, their curiosity was sated. The conversation steered toward the construction work and more specifically the sewer system.

“I have noticed that there are some rivers the animals avoid. Maybe someone should look into it. See why.” He didn’t know what had prompted this. Maybe it was his belly, full for the first time in months that had led him into complacency, maybe it was the gentle atmosphere that had lulled him into loosening his tongue… it was too late to take it back, anyway.

Kevin peered at him seriously.

“Actually, kid, you’re not the only one who noticed that. We’ve determined it would be best to avoid these places but I’m afraid Kodos will insist we exploit them. We’re going to run out of water quite soon.” He spat out the name, as if feeling soiled.

This was both very bad and very good news. It meant that people had noticed there was something wrong going on with Kodos and the rivers. It also meant that problems were going to happen much sooner than expected.

This was something to mull over the night. He thanked Mrs O’Connell for the meal right after dessert (a pistachio cream), claiming Franck would get worried. The outside felt colder than usual.

He didn’t see the guard lurking in the dark.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you don't dislike my OC too much? And sorry about the lame chapter's title. I'll try and think of something more suitable later (read when I'll have hunted down the mosquito lady which made last night...loud. And itchy.)


	4. The puzzle's central piece

Days passed. Jim got more worried over time. He wasn’t the only one. There wasn’t a specific major problem to blame, just an accumulation of little things. Normal, maybe, for a young colony, but it weighed heavily on mind and people grew restless. Governor Kodos kept making speeches to placate people, to less and less avail.

The major problem was the drought. There hadn’t been a single drop of water since they arrived and it was growing worrisome. Every cloud was watched with eagle eyes, in the hope it would consent to release some sorely needed water. It never did and the crops were drying –and dying– at an alarming rate. Winter would be coming in a few months and food would be tight.

Jim took to lurking around a bit every evening, listening to what people were saying. He needed to keep himself informed. He had kept caches of food in several places with reserves of clean water. He was more and more restless and he knew there was no help to be expected from the Federation. They wouldn’t even know something was wrong. Not with any and all mean of communication erased. He had discovered this one night as he had hacked again in the colony’s computer in the hope of finding what Kodos was up to.

He hadn’t found anything of real interest, except perhaps a classification of the colonists, not by skills or profession, as he had expected, but by physical abilities and genetics profiles. Weird, but surely there was a reason for it? Though which one, Jim couldn’t imagine. Given the general atmosphere, it was easy to fall into some nefarious conspiracy mindset. He knew that and was very careful about it. Still, this definitely didn’t sit well with him.

Rain finally came. Clouds had amassed over a week, never giving up a single drop of precious water. At first, a tiny little drop had fallen and Jim had wiped it with a practiced hand, used to the sweat trickling over his face. Then another, bigger one, and he had raised his eyes to cast an incredulous look to the sky. In a few seconds he was drenched.

People celebrated that night.

Jim didn’t share the celebrations, nagged by an uneasy feeling of having forgotten something. He went to bed early, a knot of fear in his stomach.

He woke up in the dark, suddenly knowing what he had forgotten.

Uncle Franck wasn’t the greatest farmer ever, but he knew a few useful things and sometimes, on the good days, he saw fit to share them with his nephew. After a similar drought on Earth, he had said to Jim, “You’ll see, the harvest is gonna be a disaster this year. When there is a prolonged time of dry, when it finally rains, all the dirty little things in the atmosphere get dropped at the same time and it does funny things to the corn. Grow all croaked and weird.”

After a prolonged period of evaporation, the micro organisms would have ended up in the atmosphere. Jim knew they would have survived. They were so resistant. And they would contaminate everything. The crops, the dirt, what little water they had left. They ate everything they found and burning them was the only way to get rid of them.

His blood froze in the space of a second.

There wasn’t anything that could be done.

The next morning, he went to the crops, hoping against all hope he had been wrong. All seemed normal. Then he took a closer look. There was a dark little circle. He got on his knees to inspect it more thoroughly. There were dark little circles everywhere.

Jim suddenly felt the need to check if his food caches were safe. He knew it was the worst thing he could do if he ever got followed. He had to find a way to get the hell away from this planet. Which, without spaceship or any kind of working communication was easier said than done. He chewed at his lips, angry and lost. A distress signal with the technology they had would take years to get anywhere.

Still, he had to try. If he didn’t find a solution, he and eight thousand people would die. Jim felt a pang of fear at this thought. He hadn’t been very good in the ‘finding solution’ area, lately and, as rotten as life had been these past years, he didn’t want to die. His father had died because he hadn’t found a better solution and Jim had sworn to himself he would do better. How foolish he had been. He and countless others would die for it.

OK. First priority was to find a way to build a distress signal that could be picked up by someone before the next decade.




***

Two hours later, Jim was sitting cross-legged in front of a stellar chart. Maybe… Starfleet patrols went around the Tarnez sector every two months. Maybe, just maybe, it could work. If he started now on a signal booster, there was a chance he could reach a patrol before it was too late. If he added the time for the signal to be picked up and the time necessary for Starfleet (or anyone really) to come, well… it wasn’t good, but it was a chance.

Now he knew people would start hoarding whatever necessities they could find in a few hours. He needed to get out of the way or he would get noticed. It wasn’t good to be noticed in a period of distress. Just… the O’Connells had been nice to him and they had three kids. Maybe he should say something?

Before he could even think things through, he was out of the door and running to the O’Connell’s home. How long would it be a home when it wouldn’t be able to protect its inhabitants? He rushed inside without knocking to find Logan, Charles and Abigail doing homework together. The normalcy of the scene gave him a moment pause.

“Jim? Is there a problem?” Logan’s look of concern was almost comical. He was probably worried something had happened to his family or something.

Jim hesitated for a second, then made his decision. “Logan, I need to talk to you. Outside. Now.” From the puzzled look on his friend’s face, he had no idea what was going on. How could he?

He put his hand on Logan’s elbow before he could stop himself. He barely managed to resist squeezing it painfully.

“Listen. Don’t talk. You need to go to the food center right now and take everything you can. The crops are destroyed and there won’t be any food, or anything for that matter, left in a few weeks time.” He spoke in a low and urgent tone. Maybe Logan would pick how serious he was.

Judging by his confused stare, he had.

“What are you talking about? Jim, you’re worrying me!”

_Perfect._

“Good. That’s exactly what I want. Logan, tomorrow, there won’t be a crumb left at the center. There are five of you. Your parents are at work, you’re the eldest, you’re the one responsible.”

Logan gave a little nod.

“OK, let’s say I believe you. How do you know that?”

“Remember when your parents invited me? I said there was a river the animals avoided and we should do the same? I had actually analysed the waters and there is a micro organism that’s very destructive and highly resistant. With the drought, it got in the evaporated waters and now it’s all over the crops. I just come from there. It’s all dying. Please, Logan, it’s important!”

“Then why didn’t you say anything before?”

There wasn’t a good answer to that and Jim didn’t really know what to tell him.

“It’s complicated. It wouldn’t have changed anything, anyway. Now, I’m telling so you can protect your family.”

_Please understand._

To Logan’s credit, he accepted his answer without anything more than a frown. Jim knew he would grill him later, but for now, he went back inside to warn his siblings he was leaving for the center.

“And you, what are you going to do?”

“Don’t worry about me, I can manage. Go.” Logan was off at a brisk pace. Jim followed him with his eyes until the corner of the road. He didn’t feel any better. If anything, he was feeling worse than ever. If things came to worse, then a family like them would be the first victims. Cheerful and generous Logan, his face emaciated by privations, studious Charles, his eyes unfocused, cute little Abigail, her curls brittle and her smile gone. Their parents, the strong Kevin and the maternal Sophia, more and more worried as days passed, more for their children than for themselves. Jim wanted to cry suddenly. He could see the future and it was awful.

He needed to find spare parts for his radio transmitter and put it where no one (especially Kodos) could find it. There wasn’t any real basis for his suspicion, but Jim had a strong feeling Kodos didn’t particularly want Starfleet or the Federation to have a look at his colony.

First he had to get a crystal oscillator. This one was relatively easy. You could find this in any PADD. Not a very powerful one, but these could send messages all over a planet and were usually above 2000 MHZ.  Of course, they weren’t supposed to have kept their PADDs, but Jim had managed to smuggle his and he was pretty sure there were other people who had, as well.

With a large parabolic amplifier, he should be able to force the signal to go far enough without overly decaying. A circuit board, he would find in a PADD as well, he could scavenge several batteries from agrarian engines, no one would need them anyway, clips and wires from the same source. And of course, another PADD to serve as a source. A simple SOS in old-fashioned Morse would do. He was glad to have been so bored one day he had learnt it.

There wasn’t any way he could climb the mountains that stood west, but there were some smallest ones eastwards, coincidentally where he had hidden most of his food. He would also have to haul all this over several miles.

_Awesome._

For the first time in months, Jim allowed himself to feel anger toward Franck.  He was in deep shit and sinking fast and he was pretty sure Franck was enjoying the newfound calm in his house to drink himself under the table.

This attitude wasn’t going to take him very far. He sighed and went back to his plans. He had to wait until nightfall to go to the warehouses and see what he could find.

Night came. Jim had kept out of the busyness of the day and anything that could have happened. Now, seeing everything empty made him realize how screwed things were. How screwed he was. Well, now wasn’t the time to chicken out. He slipped around the first warehouse and after a quick glance around got inside. He didn’t dare switch on the main light, choosing instead his little torchlight. It was slow work, but when he left, he had enough parts that he was certain he could build something decent. Trying to prevent them from clinking together, he tiptoed to the exit.  He opened the door, closed it carefully and took a step forward.

Crashed into someone.

He made a hasty apology, trying to figure out a lie to explain his presence. A hand on his lips shut him.

“Governor Kodos wants to talk to you, James Kirk. You should follow me without putting up a fuss, but if you can’t do that, I’m not above using my weapon.”

In Jim’s mind, there was a litany of ‘fuck, fuck, fuck’. He was done for. Kodos was going to skin him. He tried putting his backpack on the ground. Maybe it was completely unrelated and he should avoid getting in trouble over theft.

“No. You’ll take this with you. Wouldn’t want to separate you from your stuff, would we?” The slight emphasis on ‘you’ and the agent’s malicious tone told Jim all he needed to know.

He was so screwed.

***

Kodos was more impressive when looked up closely. Not in the sense he was impressive looking, because most of this was just clever lightning and stuff, but in the general aura he presented to the world. He had burning eyes and Jim could understand how he had persuaded so many people to come with him on a doomed venture.

“James Kirk. We meet at last.” The voice was just as repulsive to Jim’s ears as the first time. There was however a sort of musical cadence which seemed studied just for him. He had to shake himself to get himself out of his daze. He used the adrenaline still coursing through his veins to fuel his brain.

“At last?”

The man made a little approving gesture.

“I have been watching for quite some time, now. It started when you hacked in our computer to erase any mention of your uncle. A wonderful job, especially for one so young. Then you adapted to life here on your own. An eleven year old with your capacities… You’re greatly skilled, young James. Did you think I wouldn’t have noticed someone missing from the roles? I had personally recruited your uncle. I had done so because I knew you would come along. It was you I wanted. You and your talents. I’m sure you’ve been compared to your father so many times when you’re worth so much more than be the mere offspring of a great man. A great man who died. You can serve this colony like no one else. You can mark your name down in history. ”

“Is dishing out flattery your idea of a recruitment speech?” Jim made sure to infuse as much loathing as he could in his voice, ugly and out of tune after the perfect rhythm of before. Angering Kodos wasn’t necessarily a good idea but he was out of idea anyway.

“It’s not flattery when it’s the truth, “ Kodos replied, seemingly unfazed.

‘I’m not so great if you could catch me so easily,” Jim pointed out. This was worrisome. How much did he know?

“I have had you followed since day one, James. You have been of a commendable stealth, really. But now, it’s time for you to stop riding on your own and trust me. I can help you and together we can make this colony a much better place.”

“Are you kidding me? This colony is gonna die out in a few months without food. The micro organisms are going to kill everything edible around here! Because I assume you know about it?”

“Of course, I do. But you shouldn’t worry about this, James. You’re going to survive this. We are going to survive this. You just need to join me, help me.”

“I’m not going to join you and your merry band of goons, Kodos.”

“Ah? And what are you going to do when your last cache of food will have been used, when you’ll realize the distress signal you’re going to send is only going to bring you sorrow? Because I can guarantee it’s what is going to happen, James.”

OK, that solved the matter of how much he knew. Far too much. He raised his head and planted his eyes in Kodos’.

“Can I think on it?”

“Of course, James. I’ll await your answer no later than tomorrow. Meechan will escort you back. In the meantime, I bid you a fruitful night.”

_So magnanimous._

This could probably get worse, but Jim wasn’t sure how.

***

_“Do you think he’ll agree?”_

_“Of course. He doesn’t really have a choice and he’ll realize it soon enough, when his friends will starve. There is only one good choice and he is too intelligent not to know it. Eventually, he’ll come around.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I relied mostly on old physics lessons memories. I know my science is bad.


	5. A duty to rebel

He needed to do some thinking, and he needed to do it fast. Obviously, running on impulse wouldn’t get him far, not with Kodos’ men watching him. They weren’t even making an effort to hide now.

He was smart. Even Kodos said so. Well, in that case, he wouldn’t believe him even if he were to tell him that stars were hot.  He was also well-aware Kodos only said that to get  Jim to join him, because, most likely, he was fearing Jim would be working against him. Which, in itself, was quite a compliment but didn’t help Jim one bit at the moment.

He still didn’t know what Kodos’ grand design was, nor how he expected to survive all this, but he was pretty sure it was one of those questions one regretted ever asking.

He couldn’t even warn anyone. The worst, maybe, was to see there were people to follow that man, and he couldn’t even know who did and who didn’t. From now on, his line was to not trust anyone.

Surprisingly, Kodos hadn’t said he forbade him to build his radio transmitter. Just that it was unwise. Jim repressed a snort at that. Of course, he knew trusting the Federation or Starfleet for anything was a bad idea. He knew it probably better than anyone else. Still, they were better than Kodos. At least, they weren’t actively trying to kill people.

What had possessed him to tell Kodos he would be thinking about his offer? Now he would have to see him again. Unless… unless something prevented it. A diversion. Something which would allow him to slip unnoticed in the middle of a crowd and get away. For good.

Now, creating a diversion wasn’t exactly a hardship. This was kind of 101 of shoplifting and Jim always relished this part of it. In this case, it was easier than easy, for a change. He just needed to tell people the truth. This would start a riot. Guaranteed. Best place to hide. Kodos wouldn’t know what hit him.

Jim sat down to wait dawn, too wired to sleep, too tired to do anything else more productive.

***

He woke up with a start as dawn was filtering through the window.

When he made his way out of the house, he couldn’t find any of the guard. Didn’t mean they weren’t there, but perhaps they had gotten bored with watching him sleep?

He arrived on the plaza at the same time most people did to be dispatched to work. Excellent. He exchanged pleasant greetings with a man he often met and had proved himself to be remarkably gullible. This was going much better than expected.

“Hey, how are you on this fine day, young Jim?”

Well, asked like that, he kind of offered him on a plate the occasion to spread some facts.

“Well, to tell you the truth, not really well. My uncle Franck who works at the crops says they are being attacked by some kind of organism and it looks like the harvest is lost.”

He made sure to deliver this in the suitably naïve tone of someone who wasn’t measuring the impact of what he was saying.

The man made the connection without problem.

“You mean… you mean…” And he was already turning around to share this piece of news with one of his friends.

Jim hid in the shadows to admire the results of his handiwork. In ten minutes, there wasn’t anyone left on the plaza who hadn’t heard it. They were all reacting as he had hoped, gathering in a compact mass of screaming, panicked people. It made things so easy… A shame he wouldn’t be there to observe Kodos’reaction. Or not. He didn’t want to see him. Ever again.

He slipped from door to door until he reached the city’s outskirt, where he could make his way to the mountain.

***

He made sure to check on his caches of food, and moved them all. Kodos hadn’t made any outright threat, but it didn’t mean Jim hadn’t heard what was being loudly implied.

Building the transmitter was relatively easy. He had never tried it before, but he had seen some plans for twentieth century radio devices and frankly, there wasn’t anything complicated in this. He certainly couldn’t build a spaceship on his own, unfortunately, but this was perfectly possible.

The material he had scraped to make the parabolic dish adhered nicely in fine sheets. It got a bit more difficult when he tried to mount it, but necessity being the mother of invention (one of his teacher’s favourite saying. She had been, for a teacher, tolerable and even vaguely interesting), he managed to get the whole thing up and working. He plugged in his PADD to produce a continuous SOS Morse wave and, for the first time of his life, prayed.

Staying in the mountain was harder than he thought. The need to know what was happening  gnawed at him and chasing edible bugs to constitute more reserves didn’t quite compare. In the end, he made his way down, laying low. The city was quiet, eerily quiet. Apparently everyone had locked themselves at home. Or maybe Kodos had instituted a curfew. That would have been quite smart of him and Kodos was smart. A completely repulsive kind of smart, but still. It didn’t help him in getting back unnoticed and avoiding Kodos.

He would have to stay in the countryside and watch things from afar.

***

He would never have imagined that watching could be so hard. Even if he had been there, there wasn’t anything he could have done. The very definition of helplessness. The knowledge didn’t bring him any comfort. A week later, he managed to make out Abigail’s figure in the bright blue dress Mrs O’Connell had sewn for her. It now hung on her shoulders like broken wings and her usually bouncing step lacked energy. Jim’s vision was realizing itself. He just hadn’t thought it would come so fast.

In the end, it was a kid named Kevin Riley who decided him to come back. He remembered him well from school: an already scrawny child, a bit younger than Jim. He fainted right in the middle of the street. His mother walked to him and checked his head for wounds, then waited for him to wake up. There wasn’t anything else to be done. Jim could see her expression from where he stood. It was a mix of despair and resignation. She would fight for her children, she wouldn’t fight for herself. But then, when she would have given up, who would fight for Kevin and Abigail and all the others?

He dragged a small bag of the most nutritional food he had left and made his way down. His father had wanted to protect eight hundred of people and had managed it at the expense of his own life. Jim had eight thousands of people to protect and he really didn’t see what giving his life would achieve. He also didn’t see how he was going to survive this. Take things day after day, manage to survive until someone picked up his distress signal… all he had left was hope and it was in short supply these days.

He didn’t have much in the way of food, but he was used to it and he probably had more than anyone around here, anyway. He could afford to share some. Walking through the city was like walking through an old-fashioned graveyard. Jim had been to one, once. It was the same ghostly feeling, the same heavy quietness, the same sense of inevitability.

There just wouldn’t be anyone left to erect graves.

He clutched his bag tighter to his chest, trying to melt in the shadows, cold to the bones. He finally managed to reach the hill where he had lived once. It was only a little over two weeks now but it seemed like far longer. So much had changed!

His old house was dark, dark colonies of fungi spreading on the material. He had witnessed this on several houses before. To see it on a place he used to live in… it was different, somehow. It felt like something had been stolen from him. He went from dying shrub to dying shrub to the O’Connells’ home, cursorily knocking before letting himself in.

They raised dull eyes when he came in. His heart sank a little more seeing the usually warm and happy family all huddled together and uncaring.

“Jim?” As he had expected, Logan was the first to react. He was very pale and a lot thinner than the last time he had seen him, but still, well… Logan.

“Yes. I’m sorry it took me so long to come back. I’ve got some food. It’s not much and not very tasty, but it should help some.” He hated how small his voice sounded when what he truly wanted was to give them a reason to keep fighting.

Mrs O’Connell put her hand on her mouth, looking like she might cry.

“Oh, Jim, darling! What happened to you?”

He made a dismissive gesture with his hand. He really didn’t want to explain all this. He handed her the bag with the bars, the dried bugs and the small cans of water.

She thanked him, her words stumbling upon themselves.

“How… how did you manage this?”

“I was worried that something like that could happen, so I ran some tests. Those are edible. I caught some and kept them.”

It was a testament to their hunger that no one balked at eating bugs. Mrs O’Connell fussed over him and Logan watched him with hawk eyes.

After dinner, he dragged Jim to a corner.

“Now I want the whole story?”

“My uncle dumped me on the ship coming here, I’ve been living on my own since then, I’ve managed to discover about the fungi weeks before anyone else, oh, and Kodos thinks he can make me work for him.” He was proud of himself for sounding flippant.

_Ridiculous, really._

Logan’s eyes grew large.

“Jim… I don’t quite know what to say.”

“Then don’t say anything. There isn’t much anyone could say, now. We’re all in big trouble and it’s not going to improve anytime soon. The distress signal I sent will be picked up, but I can’t say when help is gonna come. Might be too late.” He couldn’t lie to Logan.

“What’s this you were saying about Kodos? I mean, you’re eleven, even if you’re way smarter than anyone else.”

“I’m not sure. I don’t even know what he plans to do. He said some stuff, but I didn’t understand what he meant by it,” Jim confessed, once again feeling very small and lost.

Suddenly, he found himself pressed against Logan. The older boy embraced him with more strength than he should have left.

“You know, you saved us with your warning the last time. We managed to make it so far because we had some back up,” he whispered in Jim’s hair.

Tears welled up in Jim’s eyes, for no good reason he could think of. It was really a stupid reaction, but he couldn’t control it. Fortunately, Logan didn’t call him on it, merely holding him tighter for a minute. When he released him, he kept his hands on his shoulders.

“Look, Jim, I won’t pretend I understand everything, but you know, if you need anything, just come to me, all right?”

Jim was stunned. Logan had so little and he was still offering it. Unpredictable didn’t even begin to cover it. However, he doubted it would help against Kodos. Anyway, he didn’t want anyone, least of all the O’Connells to get in Kodos’hands.

His night was filled with nightmares of Kodos playing with and ultimately killing Abigail, Logan, Kevin, everyone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I... dislike this chapter. Truly. But I wanted to post something this week, so... here we are?


	6. Running, Hiding

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the Scene. The Bad One. Proceed with caution.

The alarm woke them up, a shrill siren breaking the air. The signal of gathering on the plaza. With mechanical gesturing, shivering, they dressed up and headed toward it. Jim stayed pressed in the middle, hiding.

For such a large crowd, it was quiet, waddling in that exact time when it’s unsure whether it’s still night or already day, cold and already damp.

To Jim’s adrenaline-filled eyes, the plaza was full of ghosts. Living ghosts. He shook the unsettling thought, choosing to focus instead on the podium where Kodos usually made his speeches.

He blinked. Governor Kodos was there, in the full regalia of his function. He looked calm. His face was a blank mask. Jim couldn’t tell what he was thinking.

He raised his hands, commanding attention.

_"My fellow colonists, when we came here, we came with a dream. The dream to change the world and live a different existence. We came with the goal to change everything. To lead a revolution. This revolution is successful. But survival depends on drastic measures. Your continued existence represents a threat to the well-being of society. Your lives mean slow death to the more valued members of the colony. Therefore, I have no alternative but to sentence you to death. Your execution is so ordered."_

In an awful second, Jim and he locked eyes. Jim saw (imagined?) something passing on his face, a fleeting impression of sadness, gone as soon as he caught it.

Then the crowd broke in screams. Jim didn’t hear them, focused on catching Abigail’s hand. How could he have not noticed only half of the colony was here?  His heart pounded as the guards started shooting in the middle of the crowd.

Adrenaline replaced the ice filling his veins, giving him an extraordinary sense of clarity. He needed to go to safety and take as many people as possible with him. He raised his head briefly to see where everyone was and saw Akiak, pushing a few kids in front of her with a determined look on her face. She saw him and smiled, a sad and fiery smile. She bent to tell one the children something and they started to run toward him.

It was the last time he saw her alive. A phaser in her hand, her glossy hair shining in the morning sun.

It was the last time he saw Kevin and Sophia O’Connell alive. Crying and shouting to their children to run.

It was the last time he saw Logan alive, pushing Abigail in his arms and begging him to keep her safe, a look of absolute, heartbreaking trust on his face.

It was the last time he saw Charles, studious Charles who dreamt to become a scientist in order to save people, alive.

It was the last time he saw the lady who worked at the Center and who gave him an additional blanket because it got cold at night alive. He had never even known her name.

It was the last time he saw Cassius, the soft-spoken man who couldn’t read to save his life but could sing so beautifully, alive.

It was the last time he saw the four thousands persons Kodos had sentenced to die alive.

It was a beautiful day.

***

He ran. He ran, holding Abigail’s hand with as much strength as he could, oblivious to her tears. He ran, hoarding as many of the other children as he could, screaming to them to run to the mountain until his voice was hoarse.

He didn’t spare a glance to those he was leaving behind. His tears forbade it. He blinked them back, and clawed his way forward. There was nothing he could do for anyone else. He clung to the absurd hope that, maybe, some of them survived and would be able to hide. His brain was stuck in a never-ending loop _gogogoforwardgetthemtosafetyrunrunrunnononorun_. He got back on their feet the tripping children, tugged on their hands, pushing, yelling.

They made their way to the mountain. For the first time, Jim took a second to look over his shoulder. The plaza was covered in a thick smoke. Kodos and his men were burning the remains up. He bit his lips to prevent a whimper to escape and pressed the children forward. They needed to get to safety very soon. He had to prevent them from seeing this. These were their parents, their siblings, their friends, their neighbours. This was their life.

As far as he could tell, they weren’t followed. Even if Kodos knew about some of his hideouts, he could never find them all. They would be relatively safe. For a while.

He had removed them from the phasers pointed at their heads but there were other threats he couldn’t remove. Hunger, starvation if he had to use the word, fights, accidents, disease. He was pretty sure he had read something once about a disease that was specifically linked to starvation. He didn’t remember the name, but it had to do with lack of vegetables and fruits. No one here had seen any kind of fruit or vegetable in six weeks. Including him, but that was beside the point. He didn’t quite remember either how long it took to set him, but he would have bet it wouldn’t take long for everyone to start feeling really sick. He made a quick note to watch out for the symptoms he remembered reading about and turned around to orient himself.

He gathered everyone around him and silenced them all, easily enough. They were all shocked. Their eyes were dull and they were huddling together, unconsciously seeking warmth. Jim longed to find someone to share warmth with. Then it truly hit him.

Logan was dead.

Around half the population of Tarsus IV was dead. He briefly hugged himself then remembered they were all counting on him. The temptation to curl up in a little ball on the ground was growing deeper by the minute. Instead, he breathed deeply and squared his jaw.

“You should all get inside. We are a large target sitting like that.” Would his dad have been proud?  They said his dad was good at talking with people. _So probably not._

In the meantime, he had read through most of Starfleet survival procedures. It wasn’t exactly helpful but it was a start and it could very well save their life.

“Get inside! Now!” There was a Starfleet base near Riverside and sometime they got officers around. He did his best to copy their command voice. The effort sounded pathetic to his ears though it got through them and they all trudged to the cavern.

 _Great. What now?_ He should probably get them something to eat but this posed two main problems. First, they weren’t in any shape to even realize they were eating. And second, he couldn’t feed them all, especially for an extended period of time.

He should have stayed in his mountain.

“Look, I know it’s hard for you, it’s hard for us all. But at least we’re alive. And we’re gonna stay that way.” His words felt clumsy in his mouth. How did Kodos do to make it sound so effortless? A shiver ran up his spine. He didn’t want the man in his head and he was getting in so easily.

“What’s going to happen?” He didn’t know the kid’s name. He didn’t want to know it and make things even more complicated. He asked anyway. He needed them to trust him and he needed to trust them.

“Marvin.”

“Ok. I’m Jim. Jim Kirk. I can’t tell you what’s going to happen because I don’t know. I don’t know what was told to you, but there is a fungus that has been destroying pretty much everything that’s edible on this planet and there wasn’t much to start with. There are, however, some things left that we can eat. If we are careful, it can last for a while and maybe we can get help.” There. Honesty. Not always the best policy, but what was he supposed to do? Lie to them?

“What happened to our parents?” A little girl, around five. She was wrapped around an older boy, probably her brother. He had seen her before at school. Her name was Ellen something.

“Ellen, right?” At her nod, he kept on going. “I’m sorry but I don’t think your parents are still alive.”

Her eyes were balancing between incomprehension and understanding.

“It means that I don’t think you’ll ever see them again,” he clarified, feeling awful at being so brutal.

She shook her head, in denegation or acceptance and burrowed herself closer in her brother’s arms.

“How do you know that place?” An older boy, around thirteen. Marc, if he recalled well.

“I found it when I explored the place after arriving. We should be reasonably safe if we follow some safety rules, so listen very carefully. First, no one goes out without warning the rest first. Second, you don’t go out for more than an hour at a time. Third, if you don’t go alone, groups must be no more than three persons. Anything else would be too visible. Kodos is going to search for us.” He wasn’t sure how he knew it but he was certain of it. “Fourth, food is going to be rationed. That means you’ll get the portion I’ll give you and you won’t complain. That’s all there is anyway. Fifth, there won’t be any food stealing or food sharing. Even if you want to do it very much. Sixth, if you get caught by Kodos’men, you don’t give this place’s location. Ever. Understood?”

They all nodded, seeming a bit overwhelmed. Jim certainly sympathized with the sentiment. He was in over his head. If he was honest with himself, he had been in over his head ever since he had arrived. Things were just getting steadily worse. How worse could they get? Probably very very bad, Jim concluded darkly and tried to push the matter out of his mind. Nothing he could do about it now.

Abigail was still holding his hand, he noticed with a jolt. He had all but forgotten about her. Her eyes were dull with pain and she wasn’t moving. For an instant, he feared she was injured and he checked her frantically. She didn’t move at all, cold under his touch. She was merely in shock. With a sigh, he went to fetch one of the blankets he had.

This was another problem he hadn’t stopped to think about before. Winter was coming. Days would still be warm for a while but nights would get increasingly colder and they would be more fragile than usual given their lacking diet. Awesome. Well, they would have to keep close. Maybe, just maybe, he could go back to the city and see if he couldn’t sneak a few things out. He sighed again. This was bound to create even more problems considering Kodos was still after him. He must have noticed him getting away. They hadn’t been exactly subtle about their escape. Thankfully, most of the path up the mountain was rocks and they didn’t leave any trace. He hoped.

He sat down abruptly. He hadn’t any energy left, all of a sudden. Abigail was cold in his lap, but she refused to let go of him. He found a strange kind of comfort in holding her. They needed to sleep on everything that had happened. Perhaps they should talk about what had happened. He didn’t want to and he didn’t know what they should say but the school’s councilor he hadn’t gotten out of seeing a couple of times had told him repeatedly that when things were bad it helped to talk about it. It hadn’t helped him but maybe it could help them.

It was his last thought before he fell into a deathlike sleep.

None of them had nightmares this night. They were too exhausted for it.

It was a small mercy and it didn’t last long.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry. About what I'm doing to them. About not doing justice to this scene. About my dreadful speech-writing skills.


	7. Hiding, Starving

When Jim woke up, Abigail’s warm body snuggled up against him reminded him everything. He closed his eyes again, willing the world to go away for a second. It didn’t work and the rough floor was getting more uncomfortable by the minute. He delicately put Abigail on his coat and got to his feet, stretching his muscles. The cavern was mostly silent, troubled only by the other kids breathing. If not for the dried tears on their cheeks, the burn marks on their torn clothes, he could almost believe they were all having a sleepover.

Now that he was no longer curling up on himself, he was shivering. He rubbed his forearms absently, wondering how he was going to keep everyone up and going. He had read one day a story about a girl who had slept for a whole century. Would be nice if they could do that and be woken up by a rescue team. He smiled wanly at the idea of an army of princes charming in Starfleet uniforms. Yeah… well, that wasn’t going to happen.

He sat back cross-legged, waiting for the other kids to wake up. It would give him time to think on a way to approach the city and get everything he needed. Or more accurately, everything he could get his hands on, because he needed a lot of things and not one was currently findable on this planet. He mulled the problem over for a solid half hour before some started to stir. He had the beginning of a plan, though it was more a “go there, see what you find and deal with it as it comes” sort of plan. His core idea was to avoid Kodos. Every time he thought about him, he was filled with dread. It was both uncontrollable and frustrating. After all, he was just one person. One person with the power to kill him, but Jim didn’t believe it was the reason why he was so scared of him. He couldn’t define precisely the origin of the feeling. He just knew Kodos was the last person in the universe he wanted to ever meet again.

He wouldn’t go to the town today, anyway. He needed to see how they all behaved in this environment, how they were all reacting to yesterday events after a night of sleep. They had to stay close and fight together to survive. Somehow, he doubted this would be easy. He missed Logan for more than the easy companionship and the inherent kindness. He had a way to get everyone in agreement, to soothe angry egos and offer relatively satisfying compromises. His help would have been invaluable. Logan’s death wasn’t just Abigail and Jim’s loss. The world had lost a good person. Jim felt like screaming all of a sudden. He had finally met a truly good person, not just someone who pretended to be nice, and he was dead. It was unfair. So unfair actually that it made Jim want to laugh hysterically. Unfair didn’t even start do cover it. It was weird really. It wasn’t like he didn’t know before that the world was unfair. He had just allowed himself to be lulled into a sense of complacency by his kindness.

It showed how dangerous getting attached was. Jim squeezed his eyes shut to block the tears burning them and rubbed his hands together. He had to make sure they wouldn’t all endure the same fate.

***

Breakfast without food was interesting. They were all trying to integrate their surroundings and he could see the precise minute when they realized that everything had truly happened. They seemed to fight a bone-deep exhaustion and a general grayness. Some seemed to settle on anger to sustain them. Jim agreed with the general feeling. He only hoped it wouldn’t become dangerous to him and the others. As for him, he was beyond anger. He was reaching a sort a strange serenity he knew presaged nothing good. He would appreciate it while it lasted, though.

“Jim, what’s going to happen, now?” Abigail’s little voice broke the heavy silence.

That was the whole question, wasn’t it?

“Today, we are going to try and find some food. I’ll explain to you where to find and catch some stuff. Then, maybe, we should talk about what happened. I mean…” Jim’s voice broke. He breathed deeply and soldiered on. “I mean, it’s supposed to help and it’s not good to keep our bad stuff to ourselves when we have all lost someone.”

“Where are your parents?” Kevin. Tended to be a bit more perceptive than Jim would have wanted and a bit more brash than he should have for his own good.

“My parents are dead.” Best to keep his answer brief. Not that he wanted to talk about it. And if they took it to mean they were killed on the plaza, well… it worked for him, didn’t it?

They looked at him with curiosity. He knew some of them hadn’t been convinced. After all, they had never met his parents. He shrugged, his by default flippancy on the subject asserting itself again.

“What we need to do now is to find a way to survive on our own. We are alone. The faster you get that, the faster we can start on it.” As the words left his mouth, he regretted them. They were needlessly brutal and a tactical mistake. The anger crossing several faces underlined it quite clearly. Still, it didn’t erase the truth of it. He averted his eyes for a moment, trying to find a way to soothe them.

“We’re on the same boat, now. It’s not a competition among us. It’s a fight for our survival.” Lead them to something concrete to occupy them. “As I said earlier, I’ll show you how to find something to eat around there and how to stay hidden. Then, we’ll eat what we caught.” Hopefully, this would motivate them. “A word of advice, though. Don’t gorge yourself on what you found. It needs to be prepared properly to be edible. You really don’t want to get sick.”

With that, he turned on his heels and headed to the entrance.

“I’ll take you by groups of two. Those who stay inside stay inside.” He put his hands on his hips to emphasize how serious he was. “I mean it. It’s dangerous out there. There are big beasts and poisonous plants and Kodos’men aren’t probably far.” It was the mention of Kodos’name that did it. He could see the shadow of fear rippling through their eyes and the way their shoulders hunched to make themselves smaller.

Good.

He hated using Kodos, the one single person who scared him. He didn’t like anything about the whole situation. It was strange though, how powerful a simple name, a few words, could be.

***

It didn’t take Jim more than five minutes to realize no one was equipped in any way to deal with the life they now had. He had hoped colonist kids would be more prepared but obviously, he had hoped too much. Once again. Apparently catching and eating bugs was not on. They didn’t say anything. They were all hungry after all. They just managed to shied away from the bugs they were supposed to catch, they left traces everywhere that Jim had to erase as best as he could, they were, despite their efforts, painfully loud. They tried, he had to grant them that. It just wasn’t enough.

After several sessions, he let himself drop on the ground, exhausted. On a total of twenty-seven heads, barely a dozen could probably survive on their own. Weirdly enough, they were the youngest, more resilient and accessible to the idea of hunting bugs as a game.

As he showed them how to cook their catches, he made a quick mental calculation. It wouldn’t take long for them to empty the area from anything edible. They would have to move in the next five days. Which wasn’t such a problem as it would probably help them to remain unnoticed by Kodos’men. If he could manage to cover the tracks of almost thirty persons , that is.

He evaluated them all with a critical eye. He couldn’t go in town on his own. They needed way more supplies than he could carry on his own. He had to decide who would come with him. Who was able to take that risk and at the same time wouldn’t be absolutely necessary to the daily running of their little hideout.

Once again, he reconsidered going alone. This way, no one would have to take a risk.

No, this wouldn’t work. Even in the middle of the night, a young boy carrying heavy bags in times of penury would attract a lot of attention. Trying to conceal it by hiding in the middle of the crowd during day wouldn’t work either as there wouldn’t be any crowd and Kodos’men would be looking for him specifically.

Kevin and Samuel. They were among the older ones and had shown good adapting skills. Samuel tended to be a bit aggressive and would have to work a lot on keeping a low profile but he could help a lot with carrying. Kevin could get out of anything with those puppy dog eyes of him. If they got caught, he could probably make it out. Besides, though he was a scrawny kind of guy, he packed a lot of energy.

He filtered a bit of dirt between his fingers pensively. If he got caught, who could take the lead?

He really needed not to get caught.

If that was the kind of decision Starfleet officers had to make _, if it was the kind of decision his father had to make_ , he really didn’t want to become one.

He had never wanted to, anyway. He just read all the procedures to understand. Be prepared. He didn’t want that kind of power. It was just… too much. It was just what Kodos was doing. It was just what Kodos seemed to think he could do. It just felt unbearably alive.

He jumped to his feet, feeling restless all of a sudden. There was so much to be done staying put was impossible. The confined atmosphere was getting more and more stifling.

“Kevin, Samuel!” His voice didn’t shake. Under the circumstances, it was a small victory in itself.

They raised their heads, obviously wondering why he was calling them. He gestured toward the entrance, asking to follow him. It was a testament to everyone’s tiredness that it didn’t even arouse anyone’s interest.

Jim spread his feet a little, trying to look bigger than he was.

“We need supplies we can find only in town. I want you to come with me.”

To his surprise, they merely nodded.

“It’s possible we won’t come back.” Not warning them would have been dishonest. Jim didn’t put much stock in perfect honesty but when lives were on the line, people had a right to know it.

Samuel shrugged and reclined against the wall.

“If it weren’t for you, we’d be dead anyway. And it’s not sure that’s not gonna happen now. We’re living on borrowed time. And if anyone can get us outta here, it’s you. I’m in.”

Kevin was unconsciously rising on tiptoe. It made Jim smile faintly despite everything.

“I agree with Sam. We need this stuff. And we aren’t going to last long without help. So gone for gone…”

Jim swallowed thickly. He never did anything to deserve this praise. Or these responsibilities. Their trust was frightening. It was one thing to save people on a spur of the moment decision, it was quite another to have them rely on you to save them.

“Thank you.” If it sounded a bit shaky, no one said anything. “So, here’s the plan. Basically, we wait until after dark, we avoid the patrols and we raid the third warehouse.”

“We avoid the patrols?” Kevin’s voice was skeptic and he was spreading his hands in a silent apology to show it.

“Yes. I know their rounds, where they go and most specifically where they don’t go, that’s not going to be problem. I’ve chosen the third warehouse because I know there isn’t anything edible in there so people won’t have emptied it as thoroughly as the others. We need blankets, medical supplies and if we can get our hand on some electronics and weapons, I wouldn’t say no. I know it’s not much of a plan, but there are too many things we don’t know. We’ll have to improvise.”

Clearly the idea of improvising didn’t sit well with them but they couldn’t argue with his logic.

“We go in tonight?” It didn’t deter Samuel to answer energetically.

“We go in tonight.” _And with luck, we’ll go out._

***

Dusk found them meticulously hidden under a layer of mud, except for Samuel whose skin colour allowed for a better cover in the dark. They were crouching on the hills at the city’s outskirts, trying to make out the patrols. The town seemed filled with a strange kind of mood. No one was out, but it wasn’t the homeliness they usually associated with coming back after dark to a warm, awaiting household. Fear was flying low over the town and Jim shuddered involuntarily. It was a weird image and yet he couldn’t shake it.

It was too late to go back. They didn’t have a choice about it, anyway.

They looked at each other and he nodded.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This has been the week from hell. Hopefully, it's not too bad, though? If it is, I apologise. I know it's no excuse but my mind wasn't really on writing. And proofreading. Tell me about the mistakes?


	8. Starving, Dying

Watching the city was slightly unnerving. Walking in it was eerie. It had never been bustling with life but this was dead. Haunted. Jim felt like a ghost himself, his essence stretching to try and reach any living, warm thing.

Almost crawling, they finally reached the warehouse. A last glance around told them they were alone and Jim started on the security system. He wasn’t surprised to find it easy to disarm. They slipped inside and looked around. It wasn’t exactly plentiful but they could find some useful stuff, especially blankets and medical supplies. Jim made a beeline for a pile of circuits and scraps of metal. They didn’t find any food. Not that they were expecting it. Jim would be surprised if there was anything left in the whole town. It had been two months since the crops’ destruction and there were, supposedly, around two thousand persons left. Jim was pretty sure the number was rapidly dwindling and he didn’t want to know how.

He had a suspicion he would soon find out.

Stuffing their bags whole was out of question. They still had a long trek upward to come back, they needed to move swiftly and stay above notice and they were increasingly tired. Jim was seeing it every day a bit more, both in the other kids and in himself. He got out of breath after a few seconds of efforts, even a short walk made him dizzy, his whole body ached. From the complaints he heard and what he saw, they were all in the same situation, some worse than others. Constant headaches and hollowed cheeks were now the norm.

With a look of regret, they left the warehouse, tiptoeing around it to get on the path out. It was silent. More than silent.

The attack came as a total surprise.

Jim shouted at Samuel and Kevin to run. It wouldn’t work, he knew it.

Large hands grabbed his shoulders in a vice-like grip. Blacking out would have been a mercy. He didn’t get it.

***

“James, I would say it’s a pleasure but I am sure it’s not shared. It’s so unpleasant to be ignored that I don’t want to inflict that dubious privilege on either of us.”

Jim didn’t know if it was Kodos’ voice, his smug smile or his use of “us” that was making him so sick. He tried to compose his face, aware the governor could use anything against him, starting with his feelings. He kept a blank wall up, concealing his lurching stomach. He wanted to show a confident smile and square his shoulders. He just couldn’t. It would make him an even bigger target. He allowed himself a side smile: it wasn’t like he wasn’t a huge one already.

Kodos tilted his head, eyes narrowed. The gesture was unnerving on him. Yet… Obviously, Jim’s smile had unsettled him. It made Jim smile even larger. Who would have thought a simple smile could have so much power?

“I gave you a fair warning, James. Why didn’t you heed it?” Kodos’ tone was gently chiding. It made Jim bite back his retort. Anger was the last thing he could afford to feel, right now. There were already too many things clouding his judgment. Hunger. Exhaustion. Fear. Keeping quiet for the moment was probably the best policy. Until he knew what was going on, at least.

On the other hand, the best way to get to know that was probably to ask a question. Or to let Kodos talk until he tipped his hand.

Jim had never been the patient sort.

“Why did you do all this?” To his intense embarrassment, he felt his eyes filling with tears. It only served to anger him more, his previous resolution slipping away.

Kodos raised an eyebrow, his entire demeanor reeking of smugness and self-rightneousness.

“I’m afraid you will have to be more specific, James. I’m this colony’s governor. I do a lot of things.”

Jim’s vision narrowed to a thin slice of red.

“You know perfectly well what I’m talking about, you bastard!”

“James, you can do much better than this.” Kodos’ tone was incredibly earnest and his lips were pinched.

“At least, I haven’t murdered anyone!” Words were passing through Jim’s mouth only with difficulty.

“James, you still don’t understand. I expected better from you. I haven’t murdered anyone. I have saved a lot of people and I intend to save a lot more.”

“Save people?” Jim had lost the capacity of coherent speech.

“Think long term, James.” In front of Jim’s look of total incomprehension, he sighed and sat down, squared in his chair, fingers steepled under his chin.

“Are you familiar with the concept of entropy?”

Jim could only shake his head silently.

“In simple terms, it means that everything goes from order to chaos, the ideal being to reach an equilibrium between the two. That’s what I’m trying to do, James. Reach an equilibrium between order and chaos. Before the scales are balanced, they need to swing hard. Do you understand?”

“You mean it’s all a grand experiment to you?” Jim was incredulous.

Kodos tilted his head briefly.

“See it as an experiment in improving the race. Things are getting progressively worse, but the process is still reversible.”

There were so many problems with what he just said that Jim didn’t even know where to begin. On the other hand, he wasn’t sure exactly what was wrong with what Kodos was saying. It sounded wrong, but he was hard-pressed to argue against it. Especially as he was getting dizzier by the minute.

“Think, James. Did you never get frustrated with how slow some people were? How things could be done much better if the right kind of person was doing it?” Kodos’ voice was low, persuasive. The oily, repulsive undertone was gone for a perfect diction, emphasizing his words with efficiency.

Jim lowered his head. It was obvious, where Kodos was going. The only objection he could offer was ethical and Jim certainly didn’t consider himself an expert on ethical matters. Did ethics weigh enough in front of practicality? Did being a good person was the only alternative to being a survivor?

“You still killed thousands of people. Killing people who haven’t done anything wrong is widely considered wrong by most civilizations. Everyone has a right to live!” Jim hated how small and uncertain he sounded. If he could hear it, Kodos certainly would and wouldn’t miss latching on it.

“On what ground, James?” Emotion coloured Kodos’ voice now. “Who decided that? The weak and the unefficient? The preys and the victims? Don’t you see? You’re not a victim but you’re making yourself into one. Should you let people less worthy than you dictate what you should or shouldn’t do, who you are and who you aren’t?

His voice softened. “They did that to you your whole life, didn’t they? Tried to tell you fighting for survival wasn’t right. Let me tell you something, James. You know it’s not true. You’re a fighter and there is nothing wrong with it. You’ve done what was necessary to manage. I’m doing exactly that, James. Only I won’t settle for merely managing.”

Jim could feel himself grow paler by the second. He could only watch his hands shake helplessly.

“I have offered you a choice before. Perhaps I should have explained myself more clearly at the moment. In that case, the blame lies with me. I’m offering you the choice again, James. But I won’t let you run, this time. You will be my guest for the rest of the night.”

Jim breathed deeply, trying to settle his lurching stomach and the voice he knew would be faint.

“What about my friends?” He shot back, pleased with the note of defiance he had managed to inject in his words.

Kudos leant forward.

“What about your friends?”

“What are you going to do to them?”

“It depends on you, mostly. You agree to stay with me, here, and I will let them go. Uninjured. Or you can leave and they stay. You always have choices, James. The problem is actually making them.”

Jim raised his head as straight as he could.

“I’ll stay.”

Kodos laughed. It was a hollow, mirthless sound. Jim couldn’t define if it was surprise at his choice or acknowledgment of something he expected.

“How noble of you, James. I wasn’t expecting any less from you. Very well. I shall free them. In return, I’ll ask you to take an oath to stay here as my guest.”

Where was this guy thinking he was? In some kind of old theater play?

“Fine! I swear I’ll stay as your guest.” Kodos hadn’t specified a length of time and Jim didn’t either. Besides, while it might be considered implied, and therefore make him into a liar when he would escape, well, Kodos did praise surviving and fighting. Lies were an important part of it. Jim smiled faintly at the thought. Kodos was right in a way. He had no business giving morale lessons when he was doing bad stuff too, no matter how justified it felt. It probably felt justified to Kodos, too. Maybe they had both lost their sense of perspective. Jim shuddered at the idea of having anything in common with Kodos. Yet… well, he did make a strong case.

***

He watched Sam and Kevin leave the premises, head lowered and shoulders hunched. They seemed unharmed, just tired and hungry. From where he stood, he could feel their dull eyes, their stumbling steps as if they were his own.

He felt responsible for them. Had felt responsible since the minute he had hoarded those kids out of the burning plaza. A split second decision with such consequences. Jim rubbed his hands against his forearms. He was cold. Responsibility was a strange thing. It felt powerful and it felt terrifying.

He knew he had made the right decision in exchanging his freedom against Kevin and Sam’s. He knew they were both able to make it back without being tracked. He wondered if they would be able to all survive on their own then shook himself. He needed to focus on his situation, not on things he had no power over. Right now, his first order of priority was to find a way to get the hell out of there. And not let Kodos unsettle him again.

“James.” It wasn’t even a question, requiring his undivided attention.

He turned around slowly, his best blank face on.

“Would you care to join me for a late dinner? I don’t believe you have eaten yet?” Once again, it wasn’t a question. Of course, it raised the question of how Kodos managed to have any food left.

He nodded, ever so slightly. He didn’t trust his voice not to betray him. Kodos narrowed his eyes, visibly displeased by his non-verbal answer but unwilling to waste time on trivial courtesies. Perhaps even to anger Jim. He took courage in this, hoping it was part of the answer. It would mean Kodos really needed him, that it wasn’t just a passing fancy of him. That he wanted to convince him, not force him.

They sat at a small table. It wasn’t lavish by any stretch of imagination but it was more than Jim had seen in long weeks. He refused to throw himself at the food, refused to show his desperation. Instead, he unfurled carefully his napkin as he had seen people doing on the vids and kept his hands in his lap.

Kodos’ approving gaze made him slightly sick. His approval was the last thing he wanted, but it wasn’t enough to make him change his path. Maybe he would be more talkative if he were happy. It was an idea that deserved to be explored.

“How have you managed to keep so much food?” He took care to keep his tone curious. It wasn’t hard since he genuinely was. Food, like money, was one of the things people had a sixth sense to detect. Franck had it for alcohol. Jim wished he had it for something. Though, knowing his luck, it would probably be something bad. In the best case. Actively harmful in the worst.

Kodos joined his hands in front of him, linking precisely each finger.

“I didn’t know about the fungi, James. No one did. I truly wanted and still want this colony to survive and strive. To achieve this, I will take every measure I deem necessary.”

It wasn’t an answer to Jim’s question. Or maybe it was, in a perverse way. Jim remembered reading once a sentence somewhere “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”. It was getting clearer and clearer it was more or less what Kodos meant when he talked about swinging the balance hard. Jim  understood the idea and adhered to it. He didn’t, however, adhere to killing half a colony’s population to toughen up the rest of it.

“Do you believe you’ll stay in history as the person who has saved half a colony or the person who has killed half of it?” Jim regretted his question immediately. Now wasn’t the time to be a smart mouth.

“It was a difficult decision, James. The hardest I ever had to make. I have no doubt you will survive this and one day, you’ll have to make difficult decisions, too. You can and will accomplish great things and great things imply choices. Don’t let emotional difficulties bar you the path to your own potential. Think of all you could do to improve the world with it.”

There wasn’t any passion in Kodos’ voice. Only the earnest calm of someone who doesn’t doubt his words.

Jim closed his eyes briefly. He tried and focused on Kodos’certainty he would get out of this alive. Of course, believing him on this particular point meant he would have to believe the rest, which wasn’t a very good idea, to say the least. Confusing, it was all confusing.

His momentary lapse didn’t escape Kodos who was watching him with intent.

He really needed to escape soon.

                                                        ***                                                         

His room was warm and comfortable. Jim sank on the bed, realizing he hadn’t slept in one since he had left Earth. That it wasn’t conducive to thoughts of escape was his last conscious one before his brain decided to shut off, all the adrenaline washed out, leaving him utterly exhausted.

He woke up with a start. He tensed under the blankets, keeping quiet, wondering what had awoken him. After a full minute, he started to unclench. Nothing was immediately threatening him. He bit his lower lip to repress his need to laugh. Nothing was immediately threatening him, except the power-hungry and possibly insane governor of the colony, the colony itself by way of a mindless lifeform, the many dangers generally lurking around a relatively unknown planet. Nope. He was perfectly safe. Something did wake him up, though, and it wasn’t just idle worry. Had he missed something?

He must have. The thought was gnawing at his brain and getting more disturbing by the minute. It was cramping in his stomach and drenching him in cold sweat.

He started replaying the evening’s events, trying to find out what he had missed. Eating a real meal should have been an outstanding memory and yet he couldn’t even remember what he had eaten. After Kodos’ little speech, everything had lost any taste. He had tried looking at everything but him with mixed results. Kodos commanded attention. Even when his only audience was an eleven year old child, he was in constant representation, drawing everything and everyone to him. Sometimes, what he was saying sounded so logical, so right, that if Jim hadn’t decided in the first place he wouldn’t believe Kodos if he told him water was wet, he would have fallen prey to his pretty words. As it was, he suspected he had. Which was, most likely, the reason of his untimely awakening. What Kodos had said was bothering him. On the other hand, there was nothing that could be done about it right now and besides, to be concerned in the first place, he needed to survive. Which, despite Kodos’ flattering faith in him, wasn’t a given.

He padded through the room to the window. It was small and too high up to ever think of getting out that way if the guard pacing around the compound wasn’t enough of a deterrent.

It looked cold outside. The temperatures were dropping severely. Jim put his hands on the ledge, hoping Sam and Kevin had made it safely back with the supplies. Blankets were swiftly becoming a necessity. The bed looked warm and welcoming and yet he stayed where he was. What right had he to a comfortable bed when so many people were lying dead, cold, outside, when the other kids were shivering in their makeshift shelter despite the blankets?

Dawn found him asleep against the wall, violently shaking.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Writing Kodos always leaves such a sick taste in the mouth... Brrr...  
> What can I say, he's insane and rather good at getting to poor Jim :(


	9. Dying, living maybe?

In the end, escaping wasn’t hard. Not too easy either, but not the huge operation he had envisioned. He had just needed to exploit a moment of inattention from his guard and slip away unnoticed. Or not wholly unnoticed, as he turned back a last time before crawling around the corner leading to one of the paths he could take and saw Kodos’ silhouette cut on one of the high window, raising a glass of something in silent acknowledgement. He felt a slight pang of an unidentifiable feeling at the sight. Even at a distance, he fancied he could still see his eyes. Was he seeing sadness, praise, anger? No, he was definitely too far away to be able to see that and besides Kodos never showed anything he didn’t want to show to manipulate his interlocutor.

Being free was… well, weird, after almost a week cooped up inside, wondering when Kodos would request his presence, how he would navigate the man’s mood.  It was almost frightening. He didn’t know anymore how to deal with everything. He then felt ashamed of the thought. He had survived so far. He would do it again. And Kodos would stop trying to slip his fingers in his brain.

He was slightly less undernourished than before. He wasn’t sure if he should count this as a victory but it was nice not to get dizzy every step he took.

He was running, jumping from stone to stone, energy back. He hadn’t realized how draining the whole week had been. He needed to get back to the kids. The people he was responsible for. His family. There, he had a purpose, a reason to get going. Leading there had a meaning. Not like the shallow, sterile dream Kodos had been trying to sell him. Protection rather than domination, safekeeping rather than destruction. It was so much more attractive. Providing for people was addictive.

He forgot everything about as he passed the entrance to the cavern. It wasn’t good. Not good at all. There was at least three people missing, _maybe they were outside_ , the others were… grey. There wasn’t a sound, save for a faint,  intermittent, cough. No one reacted in any way to his arrival, lost in themselves. His heart sank, rooting him to the spot. How could he have failed them so much? He moved swiftly, recovering from the shock. He went straight to Abigail, her grey skin, flat hair and dull eyes, her prominent bones and brittle fingernails a far cry from the neat and cared for little girl he knew. He had made a promise to Logan he would take care of her and he had failed him, her, in a spectacular fashion.

He crouched beside her and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear, trying to get her attention.

“What happened?” She didn’t react. He shook her slightly. “Abigail, what happened?”

“Jim?” Her voice was raspy and thick and he thought he could see some blood in her mouth. Her skin was cold and yet she wasn’t shivering. She probably didn’t have any energy left for that.

“Yes, it’s me. Abigail, what happened?”

“What happened to you?” Somewhere she found the strength to sound accusatory. Good.

“I got captured by Kodos. But it’s all right. I escaped.” Or he let me escape, but let’s not dwell on that very disturbing thought, he didn’t add.

“You weren’t there and there wasn’t anything left to eat and Kodos’men have been p...pa…patrolling the area. We couldn’t leave. And Marc and Severine, they just didn’t wake up.”

Yes, he had seen the marks they hadn’t bothered to erase. He hadn’t imagined it would have that consequence. And people had already died. People had died in direct consequence of his choices, his decisions.

He thought quickly of their options. There wasn’t anything he could do against Kodos’men, not without effective weapons. However, he was starting to wonder if they would actually catch them. It would only be an additional mouth to feed. He suspected they were there for him, watching his every move and reporting to the Governor.

What he could do was hunting a bit farther and bringing back his catch here. It was too late anyway to move anyone, they were far too weak for that.

How could Kodos think he was fit to lead anyone? He was a failure, that was what he was. He had made mistake over mistake and he had no idea of what he was supposed to be doing now. He hugged Abigail, trying to bring her some warmth while he was thinking.

At this stage, there wasn’t much more that could be done other than wait for help. He cast an assessing glance around. Help had to come soon, or they would all follow Marc and Severine and wouldn’t wake up. He breathed deeply. Abigail nestled herself closer in his arms, seeking comfort.

“Was he really bad with you?” Her sleepy, pained voice startled him out of his thought.

“He didn’t hurt me,” he assured her. Well, that was technically the truth.

A glimpse of something he couldn’t quite identify passed through her eyes. She linked her small, bony, fingers to his. Obviously, she understood way more than he expected.

He swaddled her in her blanket and waited until she was fast asleep. He then got up, wincing at the pain in his knees. He had only heard of painful joints in very old persons. Apparently, this was him getting old very quickly. He gave a tiny smile at the thought. It wasn’t really funny, but at least he hadn’t completely lost any sense of humor.

He made his way to the entrance slowly. A shadow moved and came to stand in front of him. Kevin.

“What did he do to you? You said you could get out!” It wasn’t even anger anymore. The betrayal and resignation obvious in his voice made it even worse.

“I did. I’m here now, aren’t I? And he didn’t do anything too bad. He was just being weird.”

Clearly, he didn’t believe him anymore than Abigail had. Jim let some pain show through his face. It worked and Kevin didn’t press the issue.

“What’s going to happen, now? It’s getting bad, Jim, really bad. No one knows what to do. But you will, won’t you?” The trust in his puppy eyes was staggering. It made Jim feel even worse. How could he tell Kevin he didn’t know what to do either? How could he lie to him?

“I’ll find out something.”

He had to.

***

Days passed. Waking up and checking on the dead was fast becoming a morning ritual. Jim dreaded the day when no one would have the strength to even get them out of the cavern and bury them. He no longer had the strength to go hunting for more than an hour at the time, which wasn’t even halfway enough. He no longer had enough strength to even cry for the dead anymore. Instead, his heart broke in tinier pieces every time, quietly, eating at him from the inside, until he felt like there wasn’t anything of him left. Which wasn’t far from the truth as he knew he was getting paper thin. He didn’t need a mirror to tell him that. The other kids were all the reflection he needed.

To top everything, the temperatures were dropping so low that it would soon be impossible to dig holes in the ground and everything edible would have died or well-hid from the cold. At night, Jim hugged Abigail as close as he could, all huddled around a small fire they could thankfully build under a fissure in the roof of the cavern. One morning he woke up, his hand in her hair, alarmed at something. Glancing around, he couldn’t see anything wrong, or at least more wrong than things already were. He moved, trying to disengage from the small girl’s arms, when a full strand of hair stayed in his hand. He watched it, unable to process what he had just seen. It was nothing in comparison to everything they had already lost, but it was the proverbial drop. He remembered how Sophia O’Connell had lovingly brushed this hair every morning, how her father had tugged fondly at the locks, how Logan had stroked it protectively. And now it was falling like so much dust. Had he had any energy left, he would have cried. As it was, he could feel the tears stinging his eyes, stubbornly refusing to fall, to let go of the precious water and minerals his body was lacking. He had studied enough chemistry to understand the process. It didn’t make it any easier.

“Jim? What’s wrong?” came Abigail’s tired voice.

Jim wanted to laugh. At this stage, what wasn’t wrong?

“Nothing, sweetie. Go back to sleep.” And don’t forget to wake up, he added mentally. He didn’t think he could make it without her. There wasn’t any way he would tell her about her hair.

He got out of the cavern, putting on as many layers as he could without depriving the others.

***

The trek to the rocky outcropping from where he could see the town had never seemed so long. He hadn’t been there in some time, preferring to go to his favoured hunting areas. Still, he needed to know what was going on down there.

Apparently, the answer was nothing. It looked completely deserted. A ghost town. Was there actually anyone left alive? Some buildings were already falling in a state of disrepair. It had never been home but he had lived there for several months.

Come to think of it, he hadn’t seen any sign of Kodos’men in some time. He hadn’t thought he would ever see the day when he would think that a bad sign. Was there actually anyone left alive on the planet save for his dwindling group of misfits? The thought was actually terrifying. No, it couldn’t be. There used to be around four thousand people on Tarsus IV. While the plaza’s executions had strongly diminished the colony, it still left a good two thousands. If he went by the ratio of his own group, there should be at least between six and eight hundred persons alive. So where were they? What were they doing? There wasn’t even a single light there.

Should he go down and inspect the city? While it might be a wise idea, he didn’t feel the energy for it. Making his way back to the cavern, he munched on his last half of a power bar and resolved to come back soon.

When he went back the following day, he just stood there, looking stupidly at the valley.

It was burnt to the ground, a column of smoke still rising toward the sky.

***

                                                                                    

“Captain, ETA in 5 minutes.” Christopher Pike loved his job. He loved the discovery aspect of it, the danger, the adrenaline, he even liked the boring moments. They meant he had time to reflect on personal stuff, his latest puzzle… Christopher enjoyed puzzles above everything else and this one… well, it wasn’t everyday you picked up a faint _Morse_ distress signal in a corner of the galaxy where there wasn’t anyone, or at least no one that mattered. Morse, for crying out loud! The thing had fallen out of use centuries ago. He would have never recognized it if not for that history lover he had dated back at the Academy. Who sent a Morse distress signal?

The obvious conclusion was ‘someone who doesn’t have a choice’. Christopher Pike loved puzzles and mysteries but he strongly disliked the feeling he had about it all. His researches had led him more or less nowhere. There wasn’t anything of interest in this sector. A few automated farms on some desolate planets, a mining station… what more, he couldn’t exactly pinpoint the signal, as there were strong interferences. He had then recommended to his captain to head toward the general area in the hope of learning more and, if possible, help the signal’s sender. After all, they weren’t doing anything really important at the moment, merely ferrying some Vulcan ambassador to a summit and they had a lot of leeway with the schedule.

The familiar sensation of leaving warp left him nauseated for a second then settled. He focused on his sensors, trying to get to the signal’s source. It was stronger there, which was a good th… wait! What the hell was this? He examined the relevant data for the longest thirty seconds of his life then jumped to his feet before he could control himself and blurted out:

“Tarsus IV, sir! The signal emanates from the fourth planet and it looks like there had been some kind of fire. The sensors are picking up human lifeforms but the signals are very faint and flickering. We aren’t getting a good reading.”

“Lt Charvas, call on all frequencies.”

“Already done, captain. There is no answer.”

“Keep calling. Mr Pike, what can you tell me about the planet and its inhabitants?”

“Nothing, sir. I mean, there aren’t supposed to be inhabitants. The planet was cursorily examined by Starfleet a decade ago and considered too problematic for colonization.”

“Dangers?”

“Nothing really clear, captain. Just the general climate, soil infertility…”

“Hmmm... I see. Well, the I suppose there isn’t anything else left to do than a landing party. Any volunteer?

***

The planet was icy cold. Positively freezing. And there was something wrong here. Nothing he could quite pinpoint, just a general impression of wrongness. They hadn’t beamed down directly in the town, preferring to observe for a bit. It didn’t lessen the surprise. Corpses. Everywhere. In various stages of decay. Burnt. Charred, even. Gory. Starved. The stench was nauseating and they all covered their nose with their arm, keeping their weapon in the other hand. Something had gone horribly wrong here, and they had no idea what.

It was also the single most awful thing any of them had ever seen.

***

Jim knew he should have gone down to town. He would go. Just later. Now, he needed a nap and to stay close to the kids. It wasn’t exactly warm but it was more comfortable than outside where he could hear the wind howling, bringing leaves, twigs, sands and small rocks inside. He dropped a kiss to Abigail’s forehead with dried lips. There were twelve of them left. To his knowledge, there were eleven people still alive on Tarsus IV. For how long? He knew they wouldn’t last much longer. He could feel himself slipping, his brain sending him signals he knew couldn’t be true. Abigail had stopped moving, her skin cold; the only way he had to know she was still alive was the hand he kept on her neck, tying them in a close embrace. He didn’t dare taking his hand off and risk missing her last heartbeat. Every time it faltered, he pressed harder, trying to find it back.

He closed his dry eyes, wondering if he would ever open them again. Kodos had been wrong, in the end. He wouldn’t become a great person.

The wind’s howls sounded suddenly like persons.

He knew he wouldn’t wake up again.

***

Lt Charvas had finally found the signal’s source. They had ascended the small mount, cursing the wind, so loud they needed to yell to be heard. The higher they got, the worst it became. It had gotten to the point where they couldn’t even go forward when an ensign shouted she had found a shelter.

It wasn’t a shelter. If anything, it was even more desolating than what they had seen in town. Dead people were dead and there was nothing that could be done for them except honoring them properly. This was… alive children. Starved, dying children, all huddled together around a small fire. None of them reacted to their arrival.

Save for one.

His eyes snapped open. It was his only move. He kept perfectly still, reminding Christopher of a small animal trying to pass unnoticed as it was deciding what to do next.

They looked at each other for what felt like an eternity. Chris was startled when he finally opened his mouth and croaked, his voice a thin streak of incredulity “Starfleet?”

He knelt down and tentatively approached his hand. “Yes, I’m from Starfleet. My name is Commander Christopher Pike. Can you tell me yours?”

The kid jerked away, finding somewhere the energy to do so. He shook his head then winced, the gesture obviously too violent for his abused organism.

“All right. My starship is orbiting around the planet. Your friends and yourself need medical assistance and something to eat. It’s warm and comfortable and they won’t be harmed, I promise.”

It was just a hunch, but Chris had noticed how the kid’s hand was curled protectively around the younger girl’s neck, how his first move after assessing the landing party had been to make sure his companions were all right. This child felt, somehow, responsible for them and would only be convinced if his friends ‘well-being was at stake. He hadn’t been threatening in any way, had merely tried to touch the kid. Such reaction could only have been brought by severe mistreatment.

What had happened here? He wondered, requesting a shuttle took off immediately.

***

This had to be a hallucination. It wouldn’t be the first time he had seen stuff that wasn’t there. Though it was the first time he had seen people who weren’t there. He squinted, forcing his exhausted brain to come back online. They were wearing Starfleet uniforms. Could they be real? They were watching them as if they expected them to disappear any moment now. Yes, they had to be real.

So Starfleet had answered his call. Too late.

One of them came to him. He looked nice, with earnest eyes. He didn’t smile. That was a point in his favour.

Jim knew he had to ask for help, but for some reason, he couldn’t force the words out of his mouth.

_“You can’t trust Starfleet. You can’t trust any organization. Did they help you when you needed it, James? They don’t care about you.”_

He shook his head when the man asked him for his name. And promptly regretted it. Especially as he had no reason to refuse his name. He didn’t make sense anymore, not even to himself.

When they tried to separate him from Abigail, he just clung harder. He knew they could have pried her from him, it wouldn’t have taken much strength, but the man, Commander Pike, had just shaken his head and they had left them be.

Why couldn’t he ask for help?

***

Dr alibri was a force of nature, never unsettled, always cheerful. He was from a race which prided itself on selflessness, on helping everyone. It made him widely popular though a bit strange on board and his happy smile was generally enough to light up the whole bridge. For the first time since he had met him, and that was almost six years ago, Chris witnessed alibri losing his smile. He made a beeline to the kids strapped to the stretcher. He knew what he was feeling. He was feeling it too, this anger, this helplessness, this horror, this incomprehension.

Standing there, watching him and the nurses work on the kids, setting IV and whispering words of encouragement, he felt even more helpless. He had to go and give his report, yet he wanted to stay. Especially for the blue eyed child who had used the remainder of his strength trying to convince the nurses to work on his friends first. He had to be properly shown there were enough carers for everyone before he allowed them to put a needle in his arm. He got on a bed with the little girl he was holding. When one of the nurses tried to separate then, Chris shook his head. There was enough place for them both on the bed and he had a feeling both would panic should they wake up alone. Especially the boy. There was something vaguely familiar about him, something Chris couldn’t quite place. He frowned. Ah, well, he needed to give his report before anything else. Figuring out his identity would be done in a timely manner.

***

_“They will take everything you care about, James, and they will walk upon it.”_

Why was everyone trying to separate him from Abigail? Couldn’t they understand she needed him? Couldn’t they understand they needed to treat the others first? He was the one responsible for this situation, he could wait.

_“Never trust Starfleet to do the right thing, James. And forget nobility. They won’t have any.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ooookay, so that was the end of the first arc, but definitely not the end of the story. Let me know what you think?


	10. Food, food everywhere and not a crumb to eat

Jim’s eyes flashed open. He was being attacked! How had… oh. Oh. He wasn’t being attacked. Just poked and prodded by a doctor. Abigail was a warm weight at his side. She was sleeping soundly. She still looked as vulnerable as a twig, but she was regaining some colours and wasn’t shivering anymore.  He caught the doctor’s wrist, trying to stop the hypo from injecting he didn’t know what in his body. There was no way he was going to let people touch him without a very good reason. Besides, one didn’t go at someone without some kind of explanation!

The doctor didn’t make a move to shake his wrist out of Jim’s admittedly weak grasp. After a few seconds, Jim felt a bit ridiculous. Still, he didn’t let go just yet.

“What’s in there?” His voice came out as raspy and sick.

“Vitamins and a nutrients’cocktail. You are sadly deficient in pretty much everything.” The doctor seemed easygoing and sincere. Yeah, well…

“How can I be sure you’re telling me the truth?”

“How can I be sure that’s really what you’re asking me? Anyway, I’m telling the truth. What would I stand to gain by lying? My goal is to restore your health to the best of my abilities. And yours. I can show you the producing unit of this hypo’s content, my order for it. You’re even welcome to analyse it yourself if you feel up to it. But frankly, without it, I doubt you’d even be able to put  a foot in front of the other.”

Jim frowned. He knew he was being stupid. Just… he didn’t like the idea of allowing people to get near him. Touching him. Invading him. He wanted nothing more than to curl up in a little ball in a dark and remote place and be left alone. But there was Abigail to protect and… hey! The others!

He squeezed the man’s wrist.

“The other kids? What happened to them?”

The doctor smiled, a bit sadly.

“They are being treated in other rooms not far from here. You’ll be able to see them soon. They are doing fine, I promise.”

Jim didn’t bother to repress a snort at that. Yeah. Promises. Sure.

***

When he woke up again, he was feeling mildly nauseous. He curled up on himself, then realised Abigail was missing. His heart skipped a beat and he shot upright, nearly falling out of the bed. He steadied himself with a hand, trying to shake out his dizziness. He blinked, his vision swimming and narrow. Where was Abigail?

After a moment, he managed to make her out on the bed next to his. He felt strangely deprived, purposeless, without her by his side. She was slowly regaining her colours though she still looked emaciated and sick.

He settled cautiously back in the bed, willing the little black dots hovering over his head away.

What was going to happen to him? What was going to happen to all of them, for that matter?

***

“They are all settled, then? How bad is it?” The captain was deceptively calm. Christopher knew him enough to see his anger brewing. For once, he didn’t make the effort to soothe it. He felt it too.

“Bad, sir. Really bad. Had we arrived a few hours later, I don’t think we would have found anyone alive. We already found one of them dead. That being said, Dr alibri says they will be physically all right in a few weeks.”

“Physically, hmm. Not what’s worrying me. Any ID on these kids yet?”

“We’ve sent DNA samples for testing. We’ll know in a couple of hours.”

“Christopher, we’ve know each other long enough that I can tell when you’re deliberately avoiding a subject. What happened down there?”

Chris fidgeted. Not much, but enough it was noticeable.

“I don’t…really know, sir. As far as we can see, there was a rebellion against the local government. Judging by the kids ‘state, it was most likely prompted by lack of food. The only way to know for sure would be to ask them. So far, we haven’t been able to find any kind of records. They have been thoroughly destroyed. A bit too systematically, I’d say. Someone had something to hide.”

The captain sighed heavily. To Chris ‘eyes, he had aged a full decade in two days. He wondered if it would be like that for him the day he would finally make captain himself.

“I suppose they won’t talk without prompting?” It actually wasn’t a question.

“Probably not. The kid I talked to didn’t even want to tell me his first name. It’s obvious he doesn’t trust us. And why should he?”

“Do your best, Chris. The board’s shrink might be able to get something out of them. If not, we’ll see.”

With that, he left at a brisk pace. Chris followed him with his eyes, worried about too many things to start separating them.

***

There was a serious-looking woman at his side when he woke up again. He needed to stop falling asleep every minute or so. He was just so tired. And who the hell was that woman? Jim steeled himself and donned a smile. It felt even more fake stretching his face than it had ever done in front of anyone else, including Kodos.

“Hello?” He kept his tone vaguely interrogative. He wanted to know who she was but didn’t want her to know how much.

“Hello! I’m Dr Menans. You can call me Sophie if you prefer.” She wore a discreet smile, her voice calm and without particular inflexions. Jim bunched his sheet in his fist without thinking. He regretted immediately. He saw her eyes shifting to follow his movement, perfectly neutral, taking in, assessing, cataloging.  She was a psychiatrist. Great. A psychiatrist was the last person he wanted to talk to, right now. Actually, he didn’t feel like talking at all.

He bit the inside of his cheeks, thinking. The slight pain helped him stay grounded. She wouldn’t go away. Oh, she might leave now, but she would come back, prompting even more questions. Best to seem cooperative and be rid of her as quickly as possible.

He forced himself to relax his posture, hiding a wince as it put pressure on different sore points of his body.

“Dr Menans,” he acknowledged. He didn’t call her Sophie. Being overtly-friendly would only arise her suspicion. He needed to be as subtle as possible. Great. Subtlety hadn’t really worked for him so far. He focused on her hands, playing the part of the shy and scared kid. It didn’t require much acting.

“You’ve guessed who I am, I see?” She was smiling softly, like it wasn’t a big deal. If she was trying to butter him up…

“You’re a psychiatrist.” Short but polite answers. That was the key. He needed to feel her a bit better before doing anything more elaborate.

“Very good,” she praised. Definitely buttering him up. Jim hesitated between laughing at the obvious ploy and being angry at being treated like a child, no matter that was what he was aiming for.

She opened her hands, palms up in her lap. Jim bit his lip. Now he really wanted to laugh. Did she think it would make her appear any less threatening? Because it didn’t.

“Could you, perhaps, tell me your name? I told you mine and it’s not very easy to talk to you without knowing how to address you.”

Yeah. Well, she hadn’t a power-hungry governor thinking he was the next Cochrane at her tail. Besides, she didn’t think he had the power to hurt her, while Jim knew she had the power to hurt him. It had happened often enough.

It would happen again. He just didn’t want it to be right now. He didn’t think he had it in him to fight at the moment.

On the other hand, she wouldn’t let go of the matter until she had an answer. In addition, they would know who he was soon enough. He was born on a Starfleet evac ship, after all. He tilted his head on the side, trying to appear as harmless as possible. She probably didn’t believe him capable of using the same tricks she did and it should work better. He hoped.

“Why are you here?”

To her credit, she didn’t bat an eye at the apparent non sequitur.

“You’ve been in a very trying situation. I’m here if you want to talk about it.” She was skilled. He almost wanted to listen to her.

He shook himself. Pretty words. She was fishing for information.

He shrugged, a minute gesture which made his back and neck hurt.

“I’m fine. Everything is fine, now.” Nothing was fine and he knew she wouldn’t believe him. She would also smell the manipulation if he were to tell her what she wanted to know upfront. He had to, at least, put up a token resistance.

“You don’t have to. I just want you to know I’m available, should you change your mind.”

Ah! Give him the illusion of freedom and see if he was coming back on his own.

“Thank you.” She was just doing her job. And he was grateful she hadn’t asked how he was feeling.

She nodded, still smiling.

“I leave you to your rest.”

He nodded back. She went to the door.

“Jim. It’s Jim,” he said quietly as she was reaching it. She turned back and watched him intently for a second then nodded again, her smile a little brighter, and left.

***

“Jim is very smart. And he doesn’t trust anyone. I think he has met psychiatrists before. Anyway, he’s trying to trick me in believing he’s cooperating with me.”

“So you didn’t get anything out of him?”

“Captain, he is a wounded child, for all of his tough act. I’m not going to interrogate him as I would a suspect of criminal offense.”

“That’s not what I meant. However, we still need to understand what happened down there. Maybe the other kids will be more talkative.”

“Maybe. Though I doubt it. They will follow Jim’s lead on this. They view him as their leader and from everything I heard, he is very protective of them.”

“Dr Menans, I know this is a delicate situation and it makes me sick. But we need to know what happened. Do you think you can make progress with him? Who stands the better chance to talk to him?”

“He told me his name. I didn’t expect it so soon. Though, honestly, I don’t think he’ll tell anything of relevance to someone who is a psychiatrist. Commander Pike might have more luck.”

“Let’s have a try with him, then.” Exhaustion rang in the captain’s voice.

***

“He is James Kirk? As in George Kirk’s son?”

“Yes, sir.”

“This is a fucking nightmare. How did it come down to that, Chris?”

“I don’t know, sir. We failed him. I failed him, we all failed him.”

***

“Jim?

“Hmmm?” Jim didn’t jump at the sound. He had expected someone to visit him again. Still, it came at a most inconvenient time. Trying to figure out how to get out of the infirmary unnoticed, leaving no trail, with only a controlled PADD was no walk in the park.

“Can we talk?” Commander Pike looked earnest, a little sad and at the same time hopeful.

Jim considered the question. It was nice to phrase it that way, but it could mean a great number of things. Well, the only way to know was to actually have this conversation.

“Sure. Can we go elsewhere? I’m a bit sick of staying here.”

“Of course.” Commander Pike looked relieved. He beckoned at Jim to follow him. They walked together at a measured pace. Jim wanted to laugh at himself. He was following someone he didn’t know the first thing about to he didn’t know where. There was something about Commander Pike that made him want to trust the man. There was something about Kodos that had made a great deal of people trust him. Personal judgment was just not reliable.

The room he led them to was spacious and covered in glass. It was the Enterprise’s observation deck. Jim had read about it. Being on board the Enterprise was already extraordinary, but the observation deck… it was legendary. They sat down cross-legged, watching the outside. It was the first time Jim could see the stars from up close, without any light or any obstacle to trouble the sight. It was great and beautiful and frightening. Jim was sick of great and beautiful and frightening things and he was even sicker of being irresistibly drawn to them. He trailed his fingers on the transparent wall. It was cold, but not freezing. It felt almost welcoming.

“It’s beautiful,” he said, by way of thank you. Commander Pike nodded.

“Your identity results came out.”

That was abrupt. Jim blinked.

“You are James Tiberius Kirk.” It wasn’t a question. Jim nodded anyway.

“I knew your father. We were friends. Best friends.”

“I never heard anything about you.” That was the truth.

“I’m not surprised. After… after your father’s death, your mother didn’t want anything to do with Starfleet ever again. She left, never to be seen again. No one had any idea where she had gone. I should have looked for you harder, Jim. I’m sorry.”

“Why?” Jim was genuinely curious.

“Why what? Why didn’t I look harder for you?”

Jim shook his head.

“No. Why are you sorry?”

“Because whatever happened led you to find yourself here, on Tarsus IV, where something atrocious happened.”

“And you want to know what.” Jim’s voice was flat. Reflexively, he put up his knees and hugged them, trying to find some warmth in himself. He followed Commander Pike’s gaze, looking heartbroken.

“I do. I want to stop similar things from happening again. But Jim, if you don’t want to talk about it, no one will force you. It would help, I won’t lie to you. But it’s your choice. I won’t make it for you. Besides, that’s not why I asked to talk to you today.”

“Why, then?” Jim felt like a broken records, asking for reasons when he knew it was unlikely he would ever get any. Why did any of this happen? Why did his dad have to sacrifice himself to save his and his mother’s life? Why was he finding himself in this situation, not knowing what to do, who to trust, what was going to happen? Why was he so angry at inconsequential things?

“Because I want you to know that from now on, I will be there for you. It’s not an empty promise, Jim. I mean it.”

Jim didn’t answer. He didn’t know how. He didn’t know what to think, how to talk around the lump in his throat.

***

Jim had finally found back his hunger, or maybe it had hunted him down because fuck, did it hurt like a bitch! He curled up on the bed, trying to appease his cramping stomach, to no avail.

It was just so unfair. There was food and he couldn’t eat. Dr alibri had forbidden him to eat outside of what he was being prescribed and he had found why when he had gone past his orders and had gorged himself on food. He didn’t remember ever being so sick, even at the worst of his allergies. Which seemed, by the way, to have expanded. Dr alibri had said his organism was rejecting any foreign matter. Just great.

At least, the others could eat just fine. They were on a restricted diet but were managing to look loads better. They often spent the evening together. Jim stayed until everyone was asleep in the room they had been assigned to before going back to the ward. They said he needed special monitoring or something. They probably wanted to monitor what they were doing together but Jim found he didn’t mind. He cared about very little these days. It was better this way. He wanted some time alone anyway. Being with the others was exhausting. He would always do everything for them but they were draining him.

Already, they were drifting away. Jim could see they were happier, resuming as normal a life as they could. They had nightmares, they all had, and their waking hours were troubled by odd recollections, but they were growing rarer.

Jim never told anyone it was growing worse for him. He dreaded going to sleep. At least, when he was awake, he had some control over it. Though it was slipping more and more as time passed. He figured it was a side effect of expecting Kodos to find him anytime.

_“You can become a great person, James. But right now, you are a victim. I, anyone, could hurt you grievously and you wouldn’t be able to defend yourself. You are your own victim.”_

Jim had never hated or feared anyone so much for being right.

***

Chris was tired. He had been working several shifts in a row to try and understand what had gone so wrong on Tarsus IV. What he had uncovered… he wasn’t sure he could ever sleep again. It was devastating. Between what little the kids had been able to tell and the evidence they had uncovered, he had reconstituted a frightening puzzle. He stretched discreetly under the table before exposing his findings to the commanding officers on board.

“This colony was formed, somehow, without any kind of authorization by a man named Kodos. I have been researching him thoroughly. There is very little information available about him, unfortunately. He proclaimed himself governor of Tarsus IV and sold a dream to people who hadn’t any hope of ever making a living on Earth. A few months ago, a fungus spread and destroyed their crops. As they didn’t have any back-up, they starved to death. In an effort to reduce the strain on whatever reserve they had, Kodos ordered the execution of half the population. These kids are all survivors of this execution. From what they said, they were saved by young Jim.”

He was met by silence. No one wanted to produce a sound after this. Anything they could have said would have been deeply inadequate.

Finally, the captain broke the silence.

“And Kodos?”

“He seems to be dead. We have found a body in the remains of what seemed to have been the main building that matches his size. However, it’s too badly burnt for any positive identification.”

“Could he still be alive?”

“If he has managed to leave the planet, yes. I’m afraid we’ll never know.” Please, never let Jim hear that, Chris silently prayed. He hadn’t wanted to force Jim to give a testimony but the kid sometimes said a few words about his time on Tarsus IV or reacted to things he heard. He hadn’t missed his reaction to Kodos’ name. For someone so controlled, it was akin to running away screaming. It worried Chris. He could see Jim growing paler instead of regaining his colours, he could see how he was pained by cramps and was so easily startled. He could see the shadows under his eyes growing deeper, giving him a bruised, haunted look. He could see how he reacted to anyone trying to touch him outside of little Abigail. Even her had been unable to reach out to him, lately. Jim was becoming a ghost in front of his eyes and he had no idea what to do.

“What about the children who were rescued from the planet?” Chris was startled out of his reflexions by the Vulcan ambassador’s voice. He had been invited to the meeting for his vast experience in dealing with crisis and as a representative from the Federation. He liked him. Chris had encountered quite a number of Vulcans in his life and none of them had been as quiet and controlled as Sarek.

“They are healing, slowly but surely, save for Jim. We don’t know what happened to him on the planet exactly, but we do know he fell in Kodos’ hands for a while. As he refuses to talk to anyone about it, we haven’t figured out how to help him yet.”

Admitting it broke Chris’ heart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You didn't think things would get better that easily, did you?


	11. Aching soul

The Enterprise was a beautiful starship. Scratch that. It was stunning. It completely deserved to be the Federation’s flagship. It also felt completely alien. Or maybe Jim was becoming the alien. He no longer recognized himself and had taken to hiding in any available corner to avoid talking to people. They had tried and prevented him from leaving the ward. No one here was a match to his hacking skills. Besides, being small had its perks.

Sometimes, he went back to the observation deck. It was a bit huge for his taste, but at least he didn’t feel stifled by it. At other times, he lurked around the labs or in the greenhouses. His efforts to approach a decent computer from where he could properly hack into the investigation’s files had been, so far, vain, but he kept on trying. His PADD stubbornly refused to make the connection. He didn’t prevent him from fiddling with it until he managed some other interesting stuff. On the good days. On the bad days, he couldn’t summon enough energy to do anything.

He was fighting with a panel to connect his PADD directly to it when he felt someone’s gaze on him. Refusing to look guilty, he turned around, shoulders squared.

It was a regal-looking Vulcan. Except for the ridiculous haircut, but from every picture Jim had ever seen, it was tradition. Or maybe it just grew that way. He was looking at Jim with a perfectly blank face, his hands clasped behind his back.

It lasted for almost a full minute until Jim, uncomfortable, cleared his throat and managed to say: “May I help you?”

The Vulcan didn’t move or reply for several seconds, then, in a very soft voice:  “It appears you are the one who needs help, James Kirk. This circuit cannot be connected where you are trying to put it. Unless your goal is to create a shipwide shortcircuit, in which case you are not in need of any help.”

Jim had never heard of a Vulcan with a sense of humor. Maybe he was being serious? He gaped at him, trying to come up with an answer.

“May I assume it is not, actually, your goal?”

“Er, no?”

“You do not sound certain. What is it you are trying to accomplish?”

“Er…” Jim’s brain seemed to have completely shut down. He just stood there, hands shaking, unable to give an answer.

“If you are trying to connect your PADD to the main circuitry in order to access restricted information, you should bypass the safety monitor first.”

Jim knew he must look like a fish now. For the life of him, he still couldn’t figure out what to say.

It must have shown on his face, as the Vulcan arched an eyebrow and added : “I have a son, James, and he tends to look for information in every place he thinks he can reach. Would you accept my help?”

Jim found back his voice.

“Are you telling me you’re going to help me hacking in Starfleet’s server?” he blurted out incredulously.

“I am not. I am merely offering you my assistance in acquiring information you are entitled to.” Most likely in front of Jim’s skepticism, he added: “No hacking would be necessary. I am in possession of most information you might desire and can easily access what I do not know.”

Who was that guy, exactly?

“I am Sarek, son of Stonn of Vulcan, ambassador of the Federation.” Someday, Jim really needed to work on not being so obvious anymore. For the time being, he had to find an appropriate answer. He had no idea how one addressed an ambassador, but introducing oneself was usually a first good step.

“James Kirk.” Then he winced. Of course, he already knew that.

It didn’t seem to trouble the Vulcan as he bowed his head slightly and raised his hands wide open, displaying his fingers in two parts. The traditional Vulcan salute. Jim had seen it several times on the holo. Up close, it looked, well… both strange and elegant. He tried copying the gesture and the words back. Sarek didn’t smile, but Jim thought he could see a glint of approval in the man’s dark eyes.

“Do you accept my assistance, James Kirk?”

Jim blushed. He had almost forgotten what had been the matter in the first place.

“Sure. I appreciate your offer, sir.”

Then Sarek sat down fluidly, cross-legged, on the floor. It was actually surprising on someone who kept himself so straight he looked like the old-fashioned broom Uncle Franck kept in the storehouse.

“What are your questions, then, James?”

Strangely, hearing his full name on the Vulcan’s lips didn’t sound as creepy as it had been in Kodos’ mouth.

“Where is Kodos? What happened to him? Is he still alive?”

“To the best of our knowledge, he is dead. He died in a fire.”

“But you can’t positively identify him?”

“No. 73% of the corpse are burnt. In addition, very little is known about Kodos. Traditional means of identification in such cases, like dental records, are unusable as we do not possess them.”

“What’s going to happen to us? The other kids and me, I mean.”

“Your families are being tracked down and you will most likely be left in their care.”

Jim said nothing. He felt the blood turning to ice in his veins.

“Unless they are being deemed unfit for this duty, in which case the Federation will make sure everyone of you in this situation finds a proper guardian.”

Jim understood now how rabbits caught in headlights felt, torn between going right or going left and having so very little time to make a decision. Rabbits usually ended up killed.

_“And what are you going to do when you’ll realize the distress signal you’re going to send is only going to bring you sorrow? They tried to tell you fighting for survival wasn’t right, James. You know they were wrong.”_

How could he know what to do? Every decision he had made these past month had ended in a disaster. Yet, he needed to make a decision now. Sarek felt like a reliable and powerful person. He didn’t make Jim’s head hurt. It actually felt quite soothing to be near him. In the end, it was what motivated his decision. He would jump at the deep end of the pool, not knowing where the sharks were.

“I can’t go back to my guardian. He is the one that put me in this situation in the first place.”

***

Jim talked for the better part of an hour. He told Sarek almost everything. He told him about Franck and about his being left on the ship for Tarsus. He told him of his overhearing the premature departure, about his pretense and how things degenerated one problem at a time, a never-ending cascade of catastrophes. He told him about his discovery of the fungus and his growing doubts about Kodos. He told him about running away and the plaza’s execution, about hoarding the kids in the mountains and trying to survive.

He didn’t tell him about Kodos, about the voice in his head, about his threats and his promises.

When he was done, Sarek’s face was as blank as ever. In a way, it was a comfort to Jim. He didn’t think he could have endured the look of pity, the horror or the anger he was getting from everyone else. He didn’t feel relieved or sad. Just empty. Numb. And that was a relief in itself.

He still didn’t know what was going to happen to him.

***

Commander Pike seemed to want to be there. It gave Jim hope things could actually improve for real. Of course, it didn’t last long when he realized he couldn’t be his guardian. A young officer, on the fast track for captaincy… he would never be there and it would be unfair to ask him to shoulder these responsibilities.  He had tried discussing it with Jim once but he had been met with clear contradiction. Being plagued with nightmares of Tarsus IV, of everything he could have done differently to keep everyone alive, Jim was starting to understand the price of responsibility. He couldn’t add to Commander Pike’s load. The last thing he wanted to be was a burden. He knew what happened to people who were burdens.

Of course, it didn’t help his cause. If he wanted to get what he wanted, he had to know what he wanted in the first place.

If he allowed himself to dream… no he mustn’t think like that. Dreaming had never gotten him anywhere. It hadn’t brought back his father, hadn’t made his mother love him, hadn’t made Franck ignore him, hadn’t made Kodos disappear into thin air and hadn’t prevented thousands of deaths. Dreaming was a waste of time, but if he could, _which he couldn’t afford but that was beside the point,_ he would dream of a real family.

 Sarek had mentioned he was married to a human woman and that they had a son together. Jim had wanted to pester him with questions about them. He hadn’t done it. What good would it do to hammer home there were, out there, people with that kind of perfect family? Jim knew it must not have been easy for them every day and yet they were sticking together. He wanted to laugh when people said Vulcans had no emotions. Sarek may hide them well, but it wasn’t so hard to spot them after spending some time in his company. And he was spending more and more time with him. It was… if Jim had to put a word on it, he would have said soothing. Restful.

Restful. Who would have thought it would one day be the number one goal of James T. Kirk to have a restful time? He certainly hadn’t expected it, but after days and nights spent tossing and waking up in drenched in sweat after a bout with nightmares, he wanted nothing more than to close his eyes without flashing back to the plaza or to people, friends, _family_ , closing their eyes and never waking up, their skin drying, their hands so weak they couldn’t grasp his.

He straightened, trying for a confident look. Sarek could manage not showing emotions and hiding his mind. Jim couldn’t and so had to rely on hiding himself behind a true façade. He wasn’t sure whether he truly liked the cocky smile which was worming its way more and more often on his face, but he had to admit it was efficient. Like an armour he would don before combat, instead combat was his real life. And maybe, just maybe, if it happened often enough, he could start believing he was that confident.

***

“Jim?” Dr Menans was decidedly very skilled at what she did. She didn’t express much of a surprise at seeing him but neither did she try to conceal it. It didn’t particularly endear her to Jim but at least she was honest. Maybe he had made the right choice in coming here. He told himself seeking her out could help his chances at being listened to when he would be trying to build a new life. He did his best to ignore the way his hands were shaking, folding them in front of him, trying for a relaxed pose. He knew it was probably useless – reading people was her job and he had been a fool to think he could run circles around her easily– but doing it gave him the impression of doing something.

“Dr Menans.” He didn’t know where to start and greeting her properly gave him some time to think. Just… it didn’t come. He stayed there like an idiot, cursing himself and borderline fidgeting on her tasteful carpet. It was grey and blue and reeked of the classical neutrality he had come to expect from everyone in Starfleet. It made him want to scream.

“Jim, please sit down.” It wasn’t quite an order, but neither was it a suggestion. He felt himself torn between refusing just out of contradiction and doing as she said. In the end, he walked slowly to the cushy chair in front of the place he knew she must usually sit. What had he been thinking? That he could do that? He was nothing more than a huge idiot. He resisted the urge to jump back to his feet and run away. It wouldn’t help his case and it was too late to draw back. And he wouldn’t run away ever again. No matter how he hated his father for leaving him, he hadn’t run away. And now he knew why. Because running away had consequences you had to live with. Being the surviving one was harder than walking to certain death.

He crossed his hands neatly in his lap, buying time. Suddenly, the idea of breaking the silence with the sound of his own voice felt frighteningly insurmountable. Dr Menans was waiting for him patiently, her gaze betraying nothing but calm and faint concern for him.

Jim took a deep breath. And deflated immediately. So much for not running away.

Obviously, Dr Menans understood it. She leant forward ever-so-slightly and spoke in a calm voice matching her expression.

“Why are you here, Jim?”

He forced himself to meet her eyes, driving his fingernails in his palms.

“I know things are wrong and I want them to be right.”

It came out on its own. He couldn’t have stopped himself had he tried. And perhaps it was for the best. Maybe it was easier when he didn’t over think everything.

Or maybe it was the worst thing he could do. After all, it was him not thinking and crashing his dad’s car that had started it all.

And here he was doing it again.

“What would be right, Jim?”

Tough question. He had actually no idea. Had he ever known right? Suddenly, he knew it was the correct answer.

“I don’t know. But I know it’s not that.”

She leant forward a bit more.

“What do you want out of this, Jim?”

Apparently he had underestimated her again. He frowned, trying to find an appropriate answer.

“There is no wrong answer, Jim,” she added. “If you want people to see you as responsible because you have taken the initiative to talk to me, it’s all right.”

His frown deepened.

“Is it?”

“It proves at least that you are aware it can help you and that’s a very good thing, Jim.”

He latched on the one word that didn’t fit.

“Can? You’re not gonna say it’s the only thing that can work, or something like that?”

“It can help you, Jim, but only if you work at it. There is no guarantee you will on the long term.”

That was…painfully honest. She didn’t believe he was capable of going to the end of things and she hadn’t made any effort to hide it. He didn’t know whether to be relieved at her lack of expectations, angry at her statement or in total agreement.

Yet… it wasn’t exactly too late to turn his back now but he had sworn he wouldn’t run away again.

“You don’t think I can do it?”

“I think you were not sure you wanted to do it.”

She even knew when he had changed his mind. She was terrifying. Not in a creepy, ambiguous, mind fucking way like Kodos so that was a good thing.

He smiled. He didn’t know where it came from but it felt good to feel the muscles around his mouth stretching in a natural, unforced, painless manner.

“Are you sure you do now?”

“I do.”

It felt good to have people having faith in him for something else than creating problems or participating in some eugenic program.

A bit scary, though, if he were entirely honest with himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry about missing last week update. Unfortunately, I'm afraid my posting schedule is going to be a bit erratic until the end of October.


	12. Family, Freedom or Fortitude

Nothing could solve magically his problems. Jim was gradually learning that problems with easy solutions weren’t really problems. When he mentioned it to Sophie, she replied: “Make sure you don’t consider them beneath your notice. Ordinary problems that can be solved quickly can still be bothersome. You are allowed to have ordinary problems, Jim.”

He wished he had ordinary problems that could be solved easily. Maybe he would stop feeling so inadequate.

***

“How do you do it?”

“Do what?” Chris had seemed genuinely surprised at the question.

“Always know what you should do, how you should do it?”

Chris seemed stunned for a moment, and then started to laugh, eyes crinkling.

“Kid, you really think I do?”

“Er, you don’t?”

“I must pretend better than I thought to have fooled you.”

In front of Jim’s baffled face, he sobered and explained: “You usually see everything people are trying to hide. Did you seriously think I always know what I am doing, that I never make any mistake? Jim, I don’t. I just can’t afford to show it in front of people who rely on me. It’s all pretend and they know it but appearances do matter when you are in command of a starship.”

Jim dug in his plate with more energy he had had in months. He had a feeling he had just learnt something very important.

***

Sarek was a great guy, there wasn’t any doubt about it. He seemed a bit forbidding at first but he was genuinely nice and open-minded. And hard to shock. Must come with the job. When he had learnt everything he had to do in his job as an ambassador, Jim had been less surprised he had managed to make him spill the beans in a few minutes. He was even better at it than Sophie.

However, did he really need to insist Jim would benefit from meditation? Because, so far, it had only managed to frustrate him to no end. Still, he kept trying.

He wouldn’t run away. He would rise to challenges. He wouldn’t accept failure as an option.

He would keep trying until he managed that. Besides, Sarek’s company was always edifying. As time passed, Jim realised he needed to learn. Knowing more than anyone else could make a difference. He hadn’t known what to do on Tarsus IV. He hadn’t had the relevant knowledge to save the thousands that died. He wouldn’t let that happen again. Sarek’s sound logic and his extensive, seemingly never-ending scientific knowledge never failed to satisfy his thirst for it. And it had the additional value of keeping his mind busy.

“How does it work?”, “Why is it that way?” were never rebuffed, always explained in clear terms. Sitting cross-legged in a stifling hot room for an hour everyday was a small price to pay.

Jim didn’t know what exactly but something must have worked because, though he still had ghost moments when he didn’t feel alive, when the thought of being alive was too much to bear, when he had to seek shelter in a dark room alone, they were becoming rarer and more manageable. It didn’t mean his nightmares had stopped, though. If anything, they were intensifying. Everyone seemed to be happy at his progress and he didn’t have the heart to tell them about his nightmares. About Kodos slipping under his brain, talking for him. About his words echoing through his mind.

***

“We’re going to arrive on Earth in a few hours, Jim. I’ll have some stuff to do and then I’ll pick you up. We’ll go to Headquarters together, all right? You’ll be OK by yourself?”

Jim nodded. He hadn’t managed in the last seven days to reach a proper decision. What did he want? A family which could protect him, which could give him what he had seen with the O’Connells? The freedom to leave all expectations behind him? The fortitude to prove Kodos wrong?

He smiled at Chris.

“Go. Take your time. It’s your job. It’s important you do it right.”

 He didn’t miss Chris’ faint sigh of relief at hearing this.

***

He had sworn he wouldn’t run away again. This wasn’t running away. Merely going in another direction. He couldn’t do that to Chris. Couldn’t force him to care for a kid with issues when he was on the fast track for command. Maybe he could even get the Enterprise. He wouldn’t get it if he were saddled with Jim.

Escaping seemed to become a constant in his life. It wasn’t even hard. People were used to seeing his face and he could mostly go wherever he wanted without being stopped. Except by himself. Actually, it was hard escaping when you were where you wanted to be in the first place. When you were leaving all you cared about behind. He felt guilt and pain at leaving Abigail and Kevin and Sam and Ellen and all the others. He choked when he added Chris’ name to that list. It was a physical distress that only grew more acute with each step. When he reached the shuttle, he couldn’t breathe anymore.

_“You’ll realize the distress signal you’re going to send is only going to bring you sorrow. Because I can guarantee it’s what is going to happen, James.”_

Damn him for being right. On the other hand, if he were right about this, chances were he was right about some others. Which only comforted Jim in his resolve. If he hadn’t power, he wouldn’t use it to destroy anything or anyone. If he hadn’t the power to make decisions, he wouldn’t make all the wrong ones and have people pay for them. He bit his hands to keep his tears in check. Strange that he would cry for this when he hadn’t shed a single tear before.

Leaving like a thief in the night didn’t seem very polite and quite ungrateful. And it was the last thing Jim wanted. He stopped at the station’s messenger system. He needed to send everyone a message and then disappear. With a good timing he could manage this. Action always made him feel better. The power of doing something. Though, this time, he didn’t know if he was doing something by acquiring his freedom or instead destroying something by reneging on his chance at a family, at a decent life. He shook his head to himself. He wasn’t made for that kind of life. Logan was. Abigail was. They were good people.

He wasn’t.

***

It didn’t take much acting to convince a woman to give him a few credits to send a message to his “father. He has been delayed at work and I’d like to let him know I’m here”.

Writing a few lines to inform Chris he was leaving and not coming back made the choking feeling return, coupled with a hard, tangled knot in his guts.

_Please forgive me to leave like that but you wouldn’t have left me and really it’s for the best. Thank you for everything you did and please thank Sarek for me._

He hesitated and added a few words _. I know I don’t have the right to ask this of you, but could you please make sure the others get a good family?_

When he reached the question mark, his whole body was shaking with sobs.

He wiped his burning eyes with a cool hand. He needed to get away very quickly now and a crying kid would attract too much attention. He had approximately five minute before Chris read his message, tracked his location and called the station to stop him.

Where was the freedom he was looking for if people hunted him? Was there freedom in hiding, in running?

_“You’re not a victim, but you’re making yourself into one.”_

If the alternative was to be a power-hungry mass-murderer, Jim would be the victim. Fighting was all well and good but he couldn’t, wouldn’t fight for what he didn’t believe in.

With a heavy heart, he walked to the station doors and entered San Francisco’s streets. He hadn’t seen a city bustling with life in years. The noises, the smells, the colours assaulted him.

He welcomed his new life with a pounding headache and a confident grin.

***

“Where do you think he might have gone?”

“I have absolutely no idea. Jim is a smart kid. If he wants to disappear, he can do it easily. You saw how well he managed it on the colony.”

“But why? Why would he do that? Things were getting better for him, weren’t they?” Chris was on the verge of pulling his hair. Sophie Menans watched him with compassion and no small amount of concern.

“Perhaps it’s what frightened him. Nothing good ever happened to him and he doesn’t know how to deal with it. Besides, I strongly suspect he believes he doesn’t deserve a family. He feels responsible for what happened on Tarsus.”

“That’s a nonsense!” Chris’ voice was shaking. How could he have missed something like that?

“Not from his point of view. He has always been alone. Always had to care for himself. And then comes a tragedy and he is the only one even remotely prepared. And it didn’t change much. From his perspective, it totally makes sense.” He supposed it did, in a twisted sort of way.

“It doesn’t tell me what I’m going to do. And what’s going to happen to him? He’s alone, probably lost and anything could happen to him.” It tore at him physically. He had finally found Jim after years of looking for him, only to find out he had failed him in the worst way. And now that…

“I know. It makes me sick just to think about it. But he will resurface when he’ll be ready for it. Not before. In the meantime, we need to have faith in his surviving skills.”

When would Jim be ready? Would he ever? He couldn’t forget the only picture they had managed to get of Jim at the station sending his message, his tears clearly visible even on the low resolution camera.

***

On a distant planet, Sarek of Vulcan read the terse message from Commander Pike. He knew the child’s behavior was illogical and yet, with everything he had seen of him so far, it made sense. He had tried teaching him how to protect his minds from others but he hadn’t thought of teaching him to shield his mind from his own thoughts.

Hope had no logical foundation but he found he hoped Jim would manage to survive.

***

“THE TRAGEDY OF TARSUS IV LEAVES 11 CHILDREN”

“ORPHANS OF TARSUS IV”

“COURT OF JUSTICE RULES ON TARSUS IV CHILDREN’S FATE”

Jim sighed. The holos were exploiting mercilessly Abigail’s vulnerable eyes, Kevin’s fragile frame, Ellen’s lost look. They never mentioned how hard they had fought to stay alive, how strong they truly were to have survived. They were “Tarsus IV children”, nothing else.

No mention had been made of him. He supposed it would have been an embarrassment to Starfleet. He didn’t know but it served him well. The last thing he needed was to have people all around the city looking for him. Avoiding camera was complicated enough.

Heading outside the city were camera were rare was probably a better idea. Finding a transportation wasn’t exactly complicated. He knew how to drive and he knew how to steal a car. That was how he had gotten in this mess in the first place, after all.

***

“Hello, Uncle Franck”

Franck’s dull eyes managed to open long enough to recognize his nephew. Jim fought a wave of nausea at the sight, then steeled himself. This was the man who had left him in Kodos’ hands, fully intending for him never to come back.

Franck rose on his feet, can still in hand.

“You! You have some nerves coming back. Everyone is looking for you and oh! Before I forget, what did you tell them, hmmm? Now I have a trial in two days and I’m facing charges for child endangerment and abandonment! That’s all your fault!”

He sat back on the couch, lowering his head. In a few seconds, he was snoring.

Well, that solved one question. He couldn’t stay here.

He observed from afar the day when the state police came and put seals on the doors. That was it. He was now officially homeless and deprived of the only family he had ever known. He couldn’t get the house back before he was eighteen and he wasn’t even sure he wanted it. Well, at least they had forgotten the storage room at the back. He could sleep here while he was figuring out what to do.

He dreamt of Logan, that night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've tried proofreading this, but I'm so exhausted, I've probably missed a lot of stuff. My apologies.  
> Also, I hate the first part of this chapter but lacked the energy and the time to rewrite it, especially as I was already so late in posting...   
> And I'm sorry about the tacky alliterated title. Couldn't resist :)


	13. A better challenge (than you deserve)

 “Hey, Jimmy boy! Funny seeing you there tonight! Haven’t seen you in a long time!”

“Don’t exaggerate, Cam! It’s been a year, nothing more.”

“When you’ll be my age, Jimmy, you’ll see that every year matters,” Cam answered sententiously.

“It already does, Cam. I give every year as much as it deserves.”

“I believe you, kid. Or I’d do if I saw it. When are you going to do something useful with your life?”

“I earn a living, same as you do and I’m not selling anything harmful.”

“No, you’re trafficking god knows what god knows where with these fuckers. Jimmy, you can do better.”

It was a recurring pattern in Jim’s life. “You can do better.” No one ever considered the price he would have to pay to “do better”. He had resolutely put this behind him five years ago and didn’t intend to go back to it. And he certainly didn’t experience a pang of sadness every time he thought about it.

“Sure. In the meantime, give me a Sundial.”

“Coming right away!”

He could certainly do better, but he could also do worse. He had seen it in the half year he had spent in the street. Had seen his companions of misfortune get involved with all the wrong people because they felt they were out of choices. He had managed to get past this through sheer luck mostly and some good thinking. The perks of being Jim Kirk. You could get out of pretty much any situation with that. He shook his head. He didn’t want to think about that year. It had been miserable and nothing less than what he deserved.

He raised his glass, silently asking for another. From the corner of his eye, he saw a woman approaching. Beautiful, elegant, she wore the red of Starfleet cadets. It complimented her dark skin well. As she got closer, he could see her eyes. This was a very smart woman.

He should stay away.

_Starfleet._

It drew him like fire drew the moth.

The results would probably be just as destructive.

“Hello, pretty! You want a drink?”

She cast him a polar glance and replied: “I can get it myself, thank you.”

“I insist.” He was reaching to call Cam, cursing himself to be so stupid when a large hand caught his shoulder in a painful grip.

_Kodos’guard, catching him after his escape from the warehouse. Inviting him to a chat._

He forced himself to raise his eyes and meet the other’s. They belonged to a huge individual, carrying the cadet red as well. Probably a friend of the young woman, he guessed. Well, he wouldn’t let anyone touch him that way. If there was anything Jim had learnt from the past five years, it was the necessity never to let anyone manhandle you. A reputation like that always spread like wildfire. Still, he didn’t really feel up to get in a fight tonight. He tried to disengage, to no avail. He saw the fist raised to punch him too late. He couldn’t have moved out of reach anyway.

“ _Oomph_!” It hurt. Why did it always hurt so much?

Well, he had been attacked unprovoked. He had a right to answer.

Sadly, he wasn’t up to the cadet’s level. He was good but he just didn’t pack enough mass.

The next thing he knew he was laying on his back on a table, warm blood trickling on his face, idly admiring the way the lights on the ceiling were shifting. He didn’t avoid the last punch to his face.

The sharp whistle he heard after that could have been his ears ringing, but judging by the effect, he wasn’t the only one to have heard it.

He rolled on his flank, trying to quench the blood. He didn’t like doing the laundry and if it got on his jacket, he would never get it out. Problem was, blood attracted blood and it was his only jacket.

Someone pressed a cotton ball onto his face. Cam. Always a savior. He sat down slowly, testing if he hadn’t a concussion. His vision was swimming a bit but nothing too alarming. He raised his eyes, wincing at the bright light.

He froze.

Then blinked.

Blinked again.

_Chris. Chris was there._

He felt his whole body go cold and numb with shock, his mind looping on the same thought. Chris was there.

The look of incredulity on Chris’ face probably matched his own. He lowered his eyes. He couldn’t bear looking at him. He closed his hands nervously around the cotton ball, pressed it to his face, glad he had something to take his attention off Chris’ utterly betrayed look.

“Jim…”

He forced himself to face Chris.

“Chris.”

“You remember me.”

“You remember me.”

“You have left in a quite theatrical fashion. I couldn’t have forgotten you.” The light tone didn’t conceal the hurt in his voice.

“I didn’t forget you either.” He wouldn’t lie to Chris. He owed him that at least.

“Why?”

“Because you were nice to me. You were the first person to talk to me, down there, remember?”

“That wasn’t my question, though it only supports it. Why did you leave, Jim? I would have cared for you as for my own son.”

“I had my reasons, Chris. Good or bad, I made that decision. Now, I live with the consequences.”

Chris’s brow wrinkled in a concerned manner. He had aged well but quickly. He looked surer, milder, in a way, but as solid as Jim remembered him.

“Jim, if you’re in trouble, I can help. I have…”

“You are the Enterprise’s captain. Yes, I’ve heard. Congratulations.”

Had he just admitted he had followed his career with attention? Judging by Chris’ faint smile, he had. Great. Now, he had very little chance to convince him he had left because he didn’t want to stay with him. He didn’t really want to, either.

“Thank you. How life has been treating you, Jim?”

He could see his eyes scanning the scruffy neck of his jacket, his worn out shoes, the scars he had acquired in the past years.

“Good,” he lied flippantly. This didn’t really count as lying, right?

“I see.” Something told him he actually saw.

“You’ve developed one sharp whistle, Chris. Where did it come from?”

“I always had it. Well, I managed it for the first time when I was around your age. Had you stayed with me, you would have heard it.”

There was no rancor in his voice, only cool neutrality. Somehow, it hurt even more.

Jim fixed his hands. How could he answer that?

“I got to hear it now. Better late than never, huh?”

“Jim, will you ever tell me what happened that convinced you you’d be better off on your own?”

How could he sum up in a few sentences, well… everything? How could he get Chris to understand? How could he manage that kind of explanation without crumbling? He hadn’t realized in all these years how affected he still was. Nothing had ever gotten under his skin. He had fought or stayed out of troubles. He had thoroughly avoided emotional situations. He was completely and utterly unprepared to face this one.

He looked at Chris, trying to convey wordlessly everything he meant. _I am sorry. I have never wanted to hurt you or anyone else. I was afraid. That’s why I left._

From the haze suddenly covering his eyes, he understood at least part of it.

Chris always understood. It made everything worse. It would have been easier if he had insisted, demanded an explanation, shouted at him. It was nothing less than he deserved and it would have helped leaving him behind.

He couldn’t do it again.

“I told you I was friend with your father, didn’t I?”

Jim blinked, a bit confused.

“Did I ever tell you how we met?”

Jim shook his head, uncertain of where it was going.

“We were both in love with the same woman.”

Jim raised an incredulous eyebrow. “You don’t mean…”

“Your mother? Yes. She chose your father but it never changed anything to our friendship. I loved George dearly. Do you know why?”

“I never met him. How could I know why people liked or disliked him?” If there was bitterness in his voice, Chris chose to ignore it.

“True. Well, I think it’s high time someone told you about him. I loved George because he was a good man. I am sure you’ve been told ad nauseam he was a great man, but he was also a good one. That’s why he made the choices he did. That’s why people remember him as a great one. He was the captain of the Enterprise for only ten minutes but he saved thousands of lives that day. Your father became a great man through his death, Jim. I dare you to do better. Become a great man through your life.”

The harsh laugh that escaped Jim surprised them both.

“I have already tried and I’ve failed miserably, remember? He saved them. I as good as killed four thousands of people.”

“If that’s what you truly believe, Jim, I won’t insist. But I will never stop trying to help you. If there is only, be it the smallest part of you who believe you can do better, then be at Riverside’s station tomorrow morning at 0700. There is a shuttle for Starfleet. I’ll be piloting it myself.”

“You want me to join Starfleet?”

“It’s your choice, Jim. But yes, I do think it’s the best place for you. You have potential, Jim. Please don’t waste it.”

_“You can and will accomplish great things and great things imply choices. Don’t let emotional difficulties bar you the path to your own potential.”_

Jim couldn’t stay a minute more. He was choking on his own breath. He left the bar, ignoring the pain in his torso. He could have spent his whole life without meeting Chris again and here he was. He was angry. Torn. Sick. Scared.

He walked in the night haphazardly, burning tears falling on his face, lost in a maze of tangled feelings. It wasn’t a good night for making decisions, yet here he was, looking back on everything he had forsaken years ago just because Chris had challenged him to do better, because he had looked at him with concern in his eyes. No one had looked at him with concerns since the Enterprise. He longed to ask Chris how the others, they weren’t kids anymore, were doing. He knew where they were, what they were doing. He had looked for them, hacking in every server he needed before finding them. He knew they had found good families, a fate he had refused for himself. He wasn’t jealous, merely happy they were comfortably settled. In the beginning, he had wondered sometimes if they were having nightmares, flashbacks, if they were hoarding food, if they were crying in dark places sometimes, swinging to the rhythm of their tears, asking themselves why they were still there. He had stopped thinking about it quickly. It only brought him pain.

And now… what was he going to do? Starfleet was the last place he wanted to be. Though… that wasn’t really true. He had stopped hating Starfleet for stealing his father years ago. His father had made the choice he had because of who he was, not because he had been ordered to, Chris had been right about this. He was scared to get into something he would eventually be unable to control. He was scared of himself because a creepy old man, a mass murderer, had told him he could do great things.

Jim was now sobbing, kneeling at the edge of the city, the lights blurred through his tears.

_Chris’s concerned eyes._

_The cadets dressed in red, moving as if they knew exactly where they belonged, as if they owned the world._

_His hopeful smile._

_Kodos’s words echoing through his mind._

Slowly, his tears stopped, until he could only feel a dry, salty film on his face.

He didn’t sleep at all.

***

The Riverside Starfleet construction site was breathtaking in the morning light. Jim watched every unit moving with beautiful coordination. Even if he was too far to hear any sound, it was full of life. Being around so many people wasn’t as much of a problem for Jim as it used to be in the beginning but it still wasn’t his preferred way of spending the day. But this… this was drawing him.

There was a starship being built, there. The name hadn’t been painted yet. It was far from being ready but Jim knew it was the first of the new Constitution Class. The Enterprise. It would be Chris’ in a few years if he didn’t get promoted before.

It looked like a home.

Navigating through the maze of large alleys came easily. Heads turned on his passage. He smiled faintly at the thought he must be the first person to wander the sacred halls of one of Starfleet sanctuaries so flippantly. Good. He wanted to make an impression.

He came to a screeching halt in front of the shuttle. It was dwarfed by the giant structures in construction a few yards away but when he entered it, it was packed full of people, cadets and flight personal professionally dressed. He donned his best cocky grin and swaggered to a free seat, catching the safety belt and locking it, the practiced gesture coming back easily.

He was in the process of making himself comfortable when a man tripped to the seat next to his, more or less pushed by a flight attendant, obviously drunk and in a near state of panic. He seemed to be older than most people aboard and likely a southerner, judging by his rather thick accent and colourful language. The flight attendant seemed harassed and wary of dealing with him. When she threatened to throw him outside, Jim tugged the man by his hand, encouraging him to sit next to him. The man threw him a grateful glance.

“You know you have a fifteen percent chance never to get out of here?”

Well, by way of introduction, Jim had actually heard worse.

“James T. Kirk.” He didn’t offer his hand.

“Dr Leonard H. McCoy.” A doctor. Interesting. What was he doing here, on a Starfleet shuttle, when obviously he was scared to death of flying?

Soon the good doctor was baptized Bones and Jim knew everything about his situation. He didn’t offer anything in reciprocation. He hadn’t even started to elaborate a proper lie when steps resonated through the hull. Instinctively he knew it was Chris. His gaze fixed on Jim immediately. He didn’t say anything, merely nodded, his eyes smiling and headed to the pilot’s cabin.

This was going to be more lively than he had expected.

***

Starfleet Headquarters were huge. Much more than he had realized. It didn’t feel like home at all but maybe it could become just that.

Jim walked to the dormitory he had been assigned, still under shock. He had expected to have troubles proving his identity, as he hadn’t had any kind of official and real ID in years, he had expected to be asked many questions, he had expected to be thrown out. He hadn’t followed any educational program since he had been eleven. He had expected a lot of things and had been proved thoroughly wrong. He had been handed a chip with all relevant information, had been attributed a room and sent on his way. Chris had done things well.

He didn’t think this period of grace would last eternally but he was going to enjoy it while he could.

He threw himself on the higher bed, bounced a bit and decided it was pretty comfortable. The cupboard was becoming to him. He smiled. He would have to do some shopping to fill it. Apparently, he was there under some sort of scholarship and it covered the tuition fees and a good part of his living expenses. He really needed to find a way to repay Chris. Merely acing Starfleet wouldn’t cut it. Perhaps doing it in three years instead of four? Now that was an idea.

The door opened brusquely and Dr Leonard H. McCoy walked inside the room, his permanently etched scowl a new fixture in Jim’s life.

Yep. Three years should do it. He was going to make them memorable.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So. Obviously there has been a time skip. I tried writing it but it just wouldn't work with the rest. I might write it separately one day, I don't know. Hopefully you don't feel cheated?  
> On the plus side, Jim is back to the light. Thanks, Chris!


	14. Building a castle

Starfleet made for a huge crowd. There were always people everywhere. Far from deterring Jim as he had expected, it energized him. He felt himself flourishing. Obviously, a lot of his expectations were unfounded.

“Jim, I’m going down to the cafeteria. Wanna come?” Jim waved, shook his head and smiled. Gaila was always on the move. No one could dream for better friends than he had.

Making friends wasn’t exactly a new experience. He had considered Logan as a friend, as strange as the concept had been at the time. It had hurt, but it had also felt… good. Uplifting. Jim had been willing to try again, cautiously. He had been highly wary at first, ready to give only the pretence of friendship, when Bones had woken him up from a nightmare for the umpteenth time and offered him a drink without saying anything, without asking for an explanation.

So that was what having a friend, a true friend, felt like, outside of life-threatening experiences, outside of one of the smallest communities known to mankind for the past century or so.

It was enjoyable. A bit frightening, too. Jim feared doing or saying the wrong thing and driving them away. He didn’t feel like he deserved it. He hadn’t done anything to prompt Bones, or Gaila, or anyone else for that matter, to be close to him, to offer him support.

Then there was Chris. They had barely talked since he had gotten in Starfleet. He was probably still angry at Jim, had helped merely out of sense of duty. He couldn’t imagine why else he would avoid the places where Jim spent the most time, why else he would only answer Jim’s messages with terse replies, never unkind but certainly not as warm as he had expected. He had only himself to blame, after all, but still, it hurt.

Well, nothing he could do about it right now. Best to focus on what he did best.

To his surprise, he performed better than just well in class. He knew he was intelligent. He also knew he absolutely hated school and any kind of academic work. Yet he enjoyed this. Maybe he liked the challenge, maybe he wanted to prove he could do it, maybe he wasn’t bored for once… he only knew he now gladly spent most of his time studying. Keeping himself available for his new friends was a bit of a challenge but he usually managed to make it look easy. He was aware it elicited jealousy among his peers and couldn’t bring himself to care. He was the best; he didn’t see why he should hide it. It wasn’t like he was flaunting it either, no matter what they said. He couldn’t help being the best!

He went back to his PADD, squinting at the small characters. They all blurred after a while. At least, it was physics. Blessed, uncomplicated physics. Not all courses were like that. Ethics were a particular nightmare of his and the only class he was consistently failing. He had reached the stage where he was willing to write anything to satisfy the teachers, but couldn’t even understand the logic of the decisions they wanted him to make. Moreover, it seemed that arguing his case served only to worsen the situation.

Ah, well. Who needed ethics, anyway? Was it of any use in real-life situations? Take, for example, Tarsus IV?

“Hey, Jim!”

He raised his head from his PADD, trying to figure out who was calling him in such a familiar fashion when he didn’t recognize the voice.

The voice belonged unsurprisingly to a cadet, older than Jim by the look of it, dark-haired and the kind of cocky smile Jim couldn’t fail to notice was as fake as his. He still didn’t know who he was.

He donned his own brightest smile, not wanting to be outsmiled by some loser cadet.

“Yes?”

“Gary Mitchell. We met at Admiral Levshis’s party last week.”

Admiral Levshis was a firm believer in the need to promote social graces and sophistication in cadets in the command track to help them with their future diplomatic duties. On the principle, Jim rather agreed with the idea. He just hated its execution. It was wasted time for studying, everyone there was dull beyond belief and watching blundering cadets trying to engrace themselves to high ranking officials and Starfleet members got old pretty quickly. Besides, he had no memory of this Gary Mitchell. None at all.

He smiled back nonetheless.

“I would introduce myself, but you seem to already know who I am. May I help you with something?” He flashed him his most dazzling smile.

“Oh, no. Not at all. I was merely wondering if you wanted to hang out with me sometime?” Curiously, Mitchell’s expression wasn’t particularly hopeful or tense from the fear of rejection. He didn’t seem to doubt Jim’s answer. 

“Hang out?” Jim let deliberately his voice trail. “With you?”

Mitchell leant forward.

“Yeah. We could go bar hopping or watch a movie, if you prefer.”

 _Oh._ So this was a date. Well, then Mitchell could go and see elsewhere. It was out of question for him to date anyone. A quick one night stand was all right. This kind of problem guy? Just no. in addition, his smile and his arrogance really got on his nerves.

Jim set back his PADD in his lap, ready to resume his work.

“No, thank you.”

He didn’t miss the incredulity painted on Mitchell’s face.

“No?”

“No.” With that, he opened back his tab and started reading again.

Mitchell stood up, his smile firmly back on his face. “You will.”

Everyone wanted something. That Mitchell guy wanted something from him, clearly. Jim frowned. What was it?

***

The bouquet of flowers in his and Bones’ dorm was the first sign of attack. It allowed them to find out he was allergic to flowers on top of his food allergies, a discovery met with a resigned sigh from Jim and a vengeful and scared jab of hypo from Bones. The list seemed to be growing every day. According to the doctor Jim had seen as a child, being born in the perfectly sanitized atmosphere of a starship hadn’t helped his organism to familiarize with the dozens of tiny aggressions the human body had to endure daily. It hadn’t helped him building an immune system either. Jim was getting sick of watching everything he ate, everything he came into contact with, he was sick of being sick. What he couldn’t understand was why the list was growing now when there was stuff he was sure he had had when he was younger that no longer agreed with him. True, his diet since he had come back from Tarsus IV had been rather limited. Good meals weren’t really a priority of his at the time. Sadly, finding something he could actually eat was becoming one.

The flowers were given to their neighbours.

It was followed by a fruit basket (really? This was the 23rd century and Jim was no fair maiden to be wooed) given to Gaila who happily dug into it, a box of chocolates equally shared between his classmates, a really expensive eau de toilette (Jim stared at it for almost an hour, sighing. One day, he would have nice things, but he would _earn_ them), and an antique book.

The book did it. Apparently, Mitchell had done his research. A beautiful, slightly worn copy of _A tale of two cities_. He had wanted this for years. There was no way he could let go of this and such dedication did deserve a reaction. Besides, Jim was growing more and more curious about Mitchell’s intentions. What the hell did he want?

Jim wasn’t an idiot. He knew he had a pretty face and he wasn’t above using it when necessary. He knew he was attractive and people falling over themselves to please him had happened before. It had only served to frighten him. _Why did people keep giving him so much power?_ However, he had a gut feeling a quick shag wasn’t what Mitchell had in mind, nor a real relationship. At least, not only. And the only efficient way to find out was to spend time in his company and see where it would lead.

He didn’t even have to wonder how to phrase his message. Mitchell was practically stalking him. It was merely a matter of waiting for him.

“Hey, Jim!” Frankly, this guy smiled too much to be honest.

“Mitchell.” Jim took care to keep his voice neutrally friendly. Appearing overenthusiastic after weeks of avoidance would look rather suspect.

He frowned. It looked odd on his perfect face. “You aren’t avoiding me.”

“Is there a problem with that?”

“No. Not at all. Did my last gift please you enough that you would finally consent to answer me?”

Jim laughed. He couldn’t help it. This guy sounded really miffed to have been rejected for so long. Mustn’t happen to him too often.

“It was great. Thank you for it.” Though I’m curious how you’ve found out about my interest, he didn’t add. “I actually thought I might as well deliver my thanks in person and ask you to stop there, because if it doesn’t, you’re going to reach a whole new level of extravaganza, and that would make me angry.”

“Because it’s your reserved area.” Jim pinched his lips thoughtfully. Perceptive, as well. Too perceptive.

“You could say that.” He chuckled, trying to soften the blow. No need to make him run before figuring out what the deal was with him.

“Well, if you want me to stop, maybe you should consider accepting my first offer.” His eyes weren’t exactly cold, but there was something… calculated, almost reptilian in them.

“Bar hopping? Or a movie? My, my, what a dilemma. I’m having a hard time choosing.”

“Well, I could solve it by offering a third option, a more interesting one.”

That was…bold. From the cocky smile to the rapidly darkening eyes, what he was suggesting was obvious.

This wasn’t how Jim had envisioned the situation turning out. He was losing control of it, and fast.  On one hand, sleeping with Mitchell was probably the best way to get the information he wanted about him, on the other hand, as he had no idea what he truly wanted, it was too risky.

Too risky. Jim wanted to laugh at himself. Too risky indeed. Since when did he care about the risk?

The answer came easily, for once. Since somehow, sleeping with Mitchell would be different from all the people he had slept with in the past months and it felt like a betrayal of everything he held dear. Since he didn’t fear the danger to his body but was terrified of what Mitchell could do to his mind.

At this, he paused in his thoughts. Why would he think that? He didn’t have a good feeling about Mitchell, but that didn’t mean this guy had enough power over him to play with his mind. If there was one thing Kodos had taught Jim well, it was that the only power people had over you was the one you gave them. What made him instinctively give Mitchell power over him?

He shrugged, a careless gesture he hoped conveyed his lack of interest better than his words.

“You don’t think you’re moving a bit fast?”

Grey eyes stared at him earnestly. It felt like he could see into Jim’s mind.

“We do what you want, Jim. No pressure.” No fair maiden to be wooed indeed. The manipulation wasn’t very subtle, but it was rather effective. Sadly.

Jim was in trouble.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't apologise enough for how late this is. I knew life would become busy but to this extent... Better late than never? On top of that, it's pretty short but hopefully, it's not completely awful :) Though proofreading this chapter was an exercise in minimalism, so it might very well be.


	15. Being a castle

Most people didn’t realize that Jim actually disliked drinking. He was capable of appreciating a fine and rare alcohol – a byproduct of a job he worked once- but didn’t see the point in drinking himself into a stupor. Losing control was high on his list of “don’t want that to happen”.

 _Can’t afford that to happen_ , _his mind would whisper. He would ignore it. He was safe now, wasn’t he?_

It didn’t take off the social pressure from his peers and he had gotten quite creative in evasive maneuvers of all sorts while still letting his colleagues believe he was drinking just as much.

Mitchell –Gary– was watching him too intently for him to do that. Why the fuck was he doing that? Jim had hacked into Starfleet server to find out what there was to know about him and, while it had been edifying, it hadn’t been a well of information on his intentions.

He was a good student, bright though not hardworking. He seemed to think himself to be too intelligent to need to work. Jim had wrinkled his nose at that. He showed friendliness to everyone, a note from of his teachers warning about the condescension he tended to show everyone he considered beneath him. The most interesting piece of information about Gary was his esper-rating. He was, Jim hadn’t failed to notice, born on Elguerion VI, a colony known for producing an unusually high number of telepaths. To Jim, it had always reeked of eugenism and the mere mention of it almost sufficed to make him find an excuse never to see the guy again. It had taken him a few minutes to manage to reason it wasn’t Mitchell’s fault if someone had messed with his genealogy in order to produce the perfect baby. Still, it was more than a little off putting and cast an even more suspicious light on his intents.

It had also comforted Jim in his resolve to learn as much as possible.

***

It was with some nervousness that he had prepared himself for this, well, he had to call it a date, hadn’t he? It was the first time he wasn’t the one doing the inviting and the situation grated him. He had combed and messed with his hair several times before leaving it as a lost cause. Thankfully, Bones hadn’t been there. Except for the whole mess with the flowers, Jim had managed to keep this relatively far from the doctor’s attention.

The shrill sound of the door alarm had made him jump to his feet before remembering that appearing too eager was the worst way to go if he wanted to stay in control of the evening.

Mitchell’s smile had almost been sincere.

“Hello, Jim. I’m very pleased you could make it.”

“Gary… I’m equally glad I could.” Well, it wasn’t a lie. Let that pretentious prick understand what he wanted of it.

From the smug smirk, he had clearly understood what he was meant to. Jim merely had to avoid overdoing it.

He let Gary offer him a drink, then a second, looking for a potted plant to absorb the alcoholic product more and more desperately by the minute.

***

It didn’t escape Jim that the endgame was probably to get him to drink enough to loosen his tongue. Or something else. He snorted at the thought and regretted it immediately.

“Something funny, Jim?” Gary enquired mildly.

Jim shook his head. There was no way he was going to let him have any piece of him, be it moral or physical.

“Nothing. Probably had a bit too much to drink.” Better to let him think he was a lightweight, maybe he would tip his hand sooner and Jim would be back in his own bed with the satisfaction of a job well-done.

Of course, Mitchell, _Gary, he had to call him Gary_ , wasn’t going to let things go that easily.

“Do you want to dance?”

Dance? No, he didn’t. Not in the least. But if it got him out of drinking, maybe it was worth a try.

Gary extended a hand, leaving him with little other choice than to take it and let himself be led to them near the dance floor.

Which took them near the door.

Just as Chris passed it.

Their eyes met for a shocked second. Chris seemed to take in the whole situation and dismiss it in the same minute. He nodded at Jim and went on his way with his… date?

It hurt. Jim didn’t know why, just that it did. Anything would have been preferable to this cold indifference.

Gary tugged on his hand, trying to get him closer.

“Something the matter, Jim?”

For the second time of the night, Jim shook his head wordlessly.

They swayed in time with the music. Jim had to admit Gary was pleasant to dance with. Agile, with a neat sense of rhythm, his hands helped Jim twirl and twist with perfect timing. When they slowed down, Jim found himself staring into Gary’s eyes. Grey. Silver, to be precise. A bit cold, but interesting.

Different from Logan’s warm chocolate ones. He didn’t know where the thought came from, but it brought him back to reality.

Gary seemed to be able to… read his mind. Which wasn’t that much of a stretch, considering his esper rating. Jim had never been tested, always managing to slip between the cracks in the system, but he knew himself to be fairly perceptive and intuitive, a sure sign for high scores on the esper scale. He also knew he was no match to Gary. The silver eyes saw too much, too deep. Jim averted his eyes, twisting out of reach in a heartbeat.

“It’s getting late and I want to work tomorrow morning. Thank you, I had a wonderful time.” To his surprise, it came out as relatively sincere.

If Gary was surprised by the dismissal, he didn’t show it, merely smiling and stirring Jim toward the exit.

Jim bit his lower lip. This was definitely not going where he wanted it to go.

At least, Chris was too pointedly interested in his date for him not to be hiding his observation of Jim. The young man smiled minutely. Maybe there was something to be salvaged from this evening.

***

The door was barely locked behind Jim that he let himself fall against it with a muted thud, exhausted beyond belief. What was wrong with people? What was wrong with him? This evening hadn’t gone as expected. At all. What was he supposed to do with it?

He breathed deeply. His most immediate concern was Chris. Maybe this was the opening he needed to repair their relationship. His second priority remained Gary. He brought up his knees and rested his head on them, wondering if he had bitten more than he could chew. It was unlikely he could do anything about it now.

Gary. Clear silver eyes. Arrogant smile concealing something. What? Insecurity? Hunger for power? Something completely different?

Jim went to bed with these thought still running in his head.

That might account for his troubled sleep, filled with nightmares and grief.

***

“Cadet Kirk!”

“Yes ma’am?” The lady wore non-descript Starfleet black but he recognized her as Chris’ personal assistant while he was on the ground.

“Your presence is required in Captain Pike’s office without delay. I am to escort you there.”

That was…quicker than anticipated. Well, he hadn’t anything pressing to do, except studying. He followed her fast pace filled with uncharacteristic dread. What was Chris wanting, exactly? Was he taking the opportunity of having met him in a non school-related environment to have a chat with him, ask him how he was doing? Had he done something wrong? He went over everything that had happened in the last weeks, to no avail. The only disturbance to his routine had been Gary and so far it hadn’t had any impact on his school work. Not that it would ever have. No, he hadn’t done anything wrong that he could recall, not even some cheeky comment to an instructor or another.

The assistant didn’t announce him as he was expecting, leaving him with the duty to knock on the door to announce himself and face Chris directly. It was with unusual trepidation he raised his hand to signal his presence. He steeled himself as best as he could. He owed Chris a lot, but that wasn’t any reason to cower in fear in front of him.

“Come in!”

He had forgotten how Chris’ voice sounded. That evening in the bar, it hadn’t sounded as he vaguely remembered, perhaps altered by his reaction to finding his wayward protégé. This time, it was warmer, sending him back to their first meeting, when Chris had been trying to get him to talk to him, trying to avoid spooking him.

Whatever was expecting him beyond that door, he would take it politely. He owed him that, at least. He let himself in, refusing to slip around the door like an uncertain teenager. That he actually was an uncertain teenager was beside the point.

“Sir?” After all, he might very well have been summoned for an academic matter. Best not to assume he could use their personal relationship.

“Jim. Do sit down.”

Chris’ closed face gave him nothing to go by. At least, his voice wasn’t unfriendly. And he had called him Jim.

“How are you?” His voice was pleasantly neutral. Which meant he was actually displeased with something, most likely Jim.

“Fine, thank you. And yourself?” Jim mentally cursed himself for following him in that little game. But what else could he do?

“I’m fine as well.” Silence stretched between them, heavy and uncomfortable.

Chris broke it, crossing his hands in front of him. Jim recognized the gesture. He did it when he was thinking of the best way to approach something.

“Did you enjoy your evening at the Desert?”

So that was what it was about.

“I did.” No need to expand on his reasons for being there in the first time. Chris likely wouldn’t welcome the lengthy explanation. He was merely protecting Jim out of duty, as he had promised all those years ago. Well, that wouldn’t do at all. Jim hadn’t run away then to allow him to concern himself for this when he was fully capable of taking care of himself.

“In the company of Cadet Mitchell.” It wasn’t a question. Jim’s ears perked up. Was there something about Gary that didn’t make it in his personal file? Something that could help him explain the other’s strange behavior?

“Yes.” He hesitated, then added “Is there a problem with that I should be aware of?” Bold, maybe, but subtlety hadn’t taken him anywhere so far.

Chris took a deep breath, then another, his chest moving visibly and his hands white at the knuckles.

“Cadet Mitchell is an asset to Starfleet academy. You’re yourself fairly perceptive, I trust you’ve noticed his…talents?”

Jim tilted his head slightly, narrowing his eyes.

“I have.”

“That might be part of why you were spending the evening with him,” Chris added, with an hint of a shrewd smile. “However, he tends to have difficulties in holding personal relationships. Do you understand what I’m telling you?”

Jim leant forward. He wanted to lower his eyes, but now was not the time to look uncertain. And Chris didn’t deserve his avoidance.

“To what extent does he have troubles with relationships?”

Chris sighed. “I don’t know, exactly. I only know several individuals ended up in long term counseling after ending their liaison. I know your strong… distaste for anything remotely resembling a therapist, Jim. I don’t want you to get hurt.”

Jim looked at him, unable to prevent the surprise to paint himself on his face.

“Is that so hard to believe?” Chris sounded slightly hurt.

This time, Jim did lower his eyes. He couldn’t bear Chris’ gaze.

“Why?” he breathed.

“Why?” Chris repeated, with a note of interrogation.

“Why do you care now, after I left and everything?” He managed to keep the shaking out of his voice but not the emotion.

“Why is it so hard to believe someone would care about you, Jim? You _are_ dear to me. I would have raised you like my own son, had you allowed it.”

Jim couldn’t stand to stay on his chair. He jumped to his feet, nervously pacing the office.

“I’ve never wanted to hurt you, Chris.” He didn’t know why it was important for Chris to know that, but he had to tell it.

“I know, Jim.” Suddenly, Chris was behind him, his hands on his shoulders.

“I don’t know why Gary has asked me out. That’s why I accepted his invitation. I wanted to find out what he wanted from me.”

He felt Chris tensing behind him.

“Have you found anything?”

“No. Nothing. So far, he looks sincere, but I’m… I’m not interested.” This wasn’t the truth, but it wasn’t a lie either. Gary was a challenge, a mystery to be solved. He was fascinating. Chris’warning he was dangerous made him even more so.

“I’m not going to forbid you from seeing him. First, I don’t have the authority to do it, and second, I have a feeling that would only encourage you to do it.” At that, Chris gave a little smile. “But I want you to be aware I’m here for you. You refused my help a first time, perhaps you’ll accept it now. I only care about you, Jim. If there is anything, anything at all, my door is always open to you. I don’t want you to get in more troubles than you should have to handle.”

Jim had to smile slightly at the cautious formulation.

“Thank you. For being there. I promise I won’t do anything stupid. I don’t want a relationship with him, anyway. I just want to understand why he is doing what he is doing.”

“I see that. Just be safe, Jim. Please.”

Jim turned around to face him, eyes earnest.

“I promise I’ll be careful.

“That’s all I can ask. Now go. You have work to do and so do I.”

Jim walked to the door, hesitated then faced back Chris.

“I’m glad we could talk.”

He received a nod and a warm smile in return. He left the room with a new spring to his step. Things weren’t perfect, but they were better.

***

Chris watched him go, eyes narrowed. Why was it that Jim always attracted destructive personalities? Why couldn’t he understand he had to protect himself, but not by holding everyone at arm’s length? Why couldn’t he understand that people would fall in love with him his whole life, just because he was him?

Would he ever stop worrying him about him?

Probably not.

He went to his desk with a weary sigh and set himself up to the task of placing flags on everything concerning Mitchell.

Protecting Jim took precedence over everything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gosh this is so late and I'm so sorry. At least it's there? *sheepish smile*  
> Also, I've never liked Gary. Apparently, it shows.


	16. Thinning Waters

The Nightmare woke him up. He sat abruptly in his bed, trying to bring his racing heart back under control. He was alone in the bed, warmly tucked under the covers, not holding an Abigail-shaped skeleton, handfuls of hair falling around him.

He hadn’t had it in years. Actually, the last time had been just after his fourteenth birthday, when he had hacked into several servers until he had found exactly what had happened to her. He supposed his mind had been satisfied with the answers it had provided since it had never returned. Strangely, he hadn’t really felt satisfied with what he had been reading. Maybe it was jealousy, maybe it was a deep-seated instinct to be the one to provide for her as he had done before, maybe it was the sense something was wrong with the situation… 

Obviously, the thing with Mitchell was bringing everything back. Or perhaps it was his discussion with Chris. Anyhow, it had to stop.

Quietly, he got up and dressed with mechanical gestures. He had never been a drinker, but right now, he felt like drinking like Bones did on the bad days.

He went on a walk, relishing the cool night air against his sweating nape. He was glad to be outside the nauseating pressure of his dorm’s walls. It also gave him time to think, mull over everything he had observed so far and everything he had been warned about. Step after step, he swallowed the distance around campus, not watching where he was going. Walking didn’t bring him any solution but it did give him back some peace of mind.

It was with a heavy heart but some calm he came back to his shared room. Bones was waiting for him, a deep frown creasing his brow and his mouth twisted with concern.

“Where have you been?”

Jim didn’t want to put his heart into words. Opening his mouth to assuage his friend’s worry felt like ascending a mountain. He didn’t have any energy left for it.

“Out. I needed some air.” After closing back his mouth, he realized it would only fuel Bone’s worry and his anger at being left out of the loop for what he considered to be a dangerous situation. To his credit, the doctor schooled his face to let it show only his concern and asked in a softer voice than usual:

“Did something happen? You looked so happy this afternoon.”

Did he? He hadn’t realized. Anxious, and excited by the challenge, yes. But happy? He had given up on happiness when Sam had left. Happy? Had it been happiness?

“No. I just had a chat with someone.”

“It didn’t go well?” Bone’s voice expressed nothing else than compassion, now.

“No. It went well. It was just someone I hadn’t spoken to in a long while and it got a little bit emotional.” Best to keep him wholly out of the Mitchell’s business.

Bones reached for his shoulder with his right hand, then let it drop, aborting the gesture, undoubtedly recognizing Jim wasn’t in the mood for touching or even comfort.

Jim appreciated that in him. He pushed and pushed, but he also knew when to stop. A good friend. The notion was almost alien to him, and yet, felt somehow strangely familiar. He forced a smile onto his lips, glad when he saw his friend’s shoulders relaxing minutely, though his eyes stayed suspicious.

He needed to get a grip on himself. Bones seeing him in a bad way was one thing, but there weren’t many in front of he could afford such weakness. What was making it so hard to keep everything inside, well-hidden all of a sudden?

He breathed deeply, trying to regain the calm he was feeling a few minutes ago.

“You know what? Let’s talk about something else. You said you had tons of stuff to learn for finals and so do I. We aren’t going to sleep now, we could work together, hm?”

Bone’s expression softened. He didn’t look convinced but allowed the change of conversation easily.

“You’re right, Jim. We haven’t worked together in quite some time. Want to make me recite all the parts of the Etchens’ brain?”

Oddly enough, it sounded like a wonderful perspective.

They stayed at it for hours, taking turns with helping each other, exhaustion making them laugh uncontrollably at the most random things until they were crying, Jim’s cheeks aching from smiling broadly for so long.

It was with shadows under his eyes and a happy disposition that Jim went to class.

***

“Jim?” Gary’s tone was interrogative. From his raised eyebrows, he had been trying to call his name several times.

“Sorry. I was elsewhere. You were saying?”

“Well, I do hope elsewhere is interesting. Care to share?” The too-bright smile was back. If Jim wasn’t careful, he could almost believe it. It felt more and more real every day.

“Ah, it’s not even interesting. Just thinking about that test tomorrow. I guess I’m a bit stressed about it.” He wondered where that came from. Months of perfecting his “I don’t give a damn” attitude about schoolwork and he went and admitted that to someone he had all the reasons to be distrustful of?

“If you want, we can go over it together.” There was thoughtless generosity in Gary. He offered freely his time and his words, like it didn’t even matter to him. It was so at odds with the rest of his personality it usually made Jim’s head spin. He was slowly getting used to it and wasn’t that a little bit frightening in itself?

“We…could do that.” After all, the goal remained to get Gary comfortable enough that he would explain why on Earth he was seeking out his company. Studying together was bound to create a sensation of familiarity and harmlessness. Jim just had to take care not to fall in his own trap. As Gary’s hand brushed his lower back, he wondered if it weren’t too late already. It felt…good. Comfortable. Challenging but not unsafe. When had Gary slid from the strange and dangerous area to the admitted in his comfort zone?

He smiled, covering his unease at himself and leant slightly in the touch. 

Studying with Gary didn’t feel at all like studying with Bones. There weren’t loud guffaws and tasteless jokes, nor perfect knowledge of what buttons could be pushed without harm. Instead, there was seriousness and a will to make sure his examination was thorough. There was also an intimacy in their company Jim didn’t know how to approach.

It was getting clearer and clearer that Gary was seeking his companionship for real. It still didn’t exclude him to have further aims but it made things both easier and harder.

Night was falling and they had been at it for three hours when Gary abruptly straightened and asked:

“Do you want to stay here for dinner?” Jim mulled the question over for a bit. Was it a good idea? Probably not, considering he had an important test tomorrow, that he had no idea what Gary expected out of his invitation and he had been warned about him. Well, doing the safe and smart thing was boring anyway.

“Yes. I’d like that. Thank you.” He meant it. Still, he was a bit surprised at how sincere he sounded. Gary’s answering smile was blindingly genuine as well.

Gary refused all help in the kitchen, electing to cook rather than relying on the replicator. Watching him move around the room, competently placing cooking pots and ingredients on the counter, he inhaled deeply. It wasn’t something he had witnessed in years and it brought him right back to the O’Connell’s crowded kitchen, warm and filled with laughter. There wasn’t any laughter here, but there were only the two of them and it felt great anyway.

Jim ached for Logan’s calm presence for a second, then returned to the present. He got up, putting away his drink in the washer and went to stand next to Gary.

“Are you sure there isn’t anything I could do?”

Gary watched him for a second then shot back:

“Have you ever cooked in your life? I mean, really cooked, not just dumped pre-prepared food in water and heat the thing?”

Did accommodating bugs count? Somehow, he didn’t think it was what Gary had in mind. The thought brought a smile upon his lips before he could even realize it. The pang of guilt at it that followed didn’t manage to erase the picture.

“No. Not really. But I’m a fast learner, you should know that, by now.”

“I do,” Gary nodded sagely, “But this is food and I’m going to give you a theoretical lesson first before I allow you anywhere near my kitchen.” The faked possessiveness in his voice made Jim repress a laugh. 

In answer, he tried filching a bit of pepper on the dish.

“No!” The swat he received with the spatula was playful. There was no way Jim was going to let this pass. He grabbed the nearest empty pan, intent on deflecting the next blow.

They stopped nearly ten minutes later, out of breath, in the middle of a messy kitchen.

“Now you know why I didn’t want you in my kitchen.”

“Aww, I just bring life, that’s all,” Jim protested with a shrug. It did look a bit disorganized now, but it was only a matter of spending a few minutes tidying up everything.

“Life, hmmm? Jim, has anyone ever told you you’re precious?” Gary didn’t sound mad. Actually, he sounded dead earnest.

Jim froze on the ground.

Gary shook his head, then took a step forward, slowly. A second later, Jim felt a hand on his nape and another on his back. Gary tugged a bit on his hair and brushed his lips against his. Jim lost all capacity of reasoning. He relaxed as much as he could in the embrace and tilted his head to offer Gary a better access. The hand in his hair moved, gripping and stroking at the same time. They kissed softly, Jim slipping his arms around Gary, reveling in his warmth. He felt solid, restful. It was only after they had broken the kiss that Jim realized Gary had turned them around to avoid trapping Jim against the counter.

He didn’t know if he should take offense at being so easily readable or appreciate the courtesy.

The most annoying thing, though, was that the meal wasn’t even slightly burnt.

***

The rest of the week was…interesting, to say the least. Gary was relaxed and never asked for anything. It was getting so strange, especially after his initial pushiness, that Jim found himself teasing him, trying to get his attention. When he realized that, he stopped, horrified at himself. He often met Chris, usually in the hall. They nodded at each other, smiled and he would look worried. Jim supposed he had every reason to be, that he should be as well.

He couldn’t find I himself to care, though.

Of course, it meant others cared in his stead. Bones was fretting all over the place, trying to find out what was giving him this renewed spring in his step, Gaila was multiplying innuendos, clearly worried Jim wouldn’t say a thing, Chris was leaving messages on his PADD, urging him to caution… Jim was discarding their concern. He just… felt happy, for the first time in he didn’t know how long. Maybe for the first time ever.

He could spend whole evening huddled on Gary’s sofa, reading for his coursework while Gary was doing the same at the other end of the couch in companionable silence, they could cook together (more like Gary cooked and Jim handed him stuff, but at least they were doing things together), Gary wasn’t as loud as most people and respected Jim’s boundaries without him ever having to voice them. All in all, everything was great.

All right. The nightmares weren’t great, nor were Chris’ increasingly concerned looks. Nor Bones’ nagging. Everything was going great, except for himself. He owed it to Gary’s great cooking to not have lost too much weight lately. He just didn’t feel like eating. He owed it to the naps on Gary’s couch to not be utterly exhausted. Sleeping was getting steadily worse. He couldn’t help it. He couldn’t sleep when and where he didn’t feel safe, and lately, obviously, his mind had decided nowhere but Gary’s was safe.

Jim would have suspected him to have tampered with his mind if he had been even the slightest bit more forward. And yet, Gary seemed content with Jim’s company, never asking for more than a kiss and always giving him a choice about it.

It was written, perhaps, that choices would always be the bane of Jim Kirk’s life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No need to say, this chapter makes me deeply uneasy. At least, the Gary arc is soon coming to an end. Brrr...


	17. Running dry

Going to class while being sick was no fun. Actually, right now, Jim would give pretty much anything for not feeling sick, or at least feeling a bit less crappy. His stomach was threatening to do a flip, he was drenched in cold sweat and waves upon waves of dizziness were making everything blurry. At the moment, Jim was using all his almost nonexistent focus to keep from tumbling over. In truth, he was regretting avoiding Bones this morning. Maybe he could have given him something. Well, more likely sent him to the infirmary, but frankly, at this stage, Jim was way past pride.

The hazy shape of a chair had never seemed so welcoming. He let himself fall in it, catching the edge of his desk just in time.

“Jim? You all right?” He didn’t recognize the concerned voice.

“Hmmm.” He didn’t dare nod or even open his mouth for fear of worsening things.

“You don’t look very fine. Sure you don’t wanna go to the infirmary?”

No, he wasn’t sure. He would have gone if he had felt capable of walking there but now, just putting his head on the cold metal of his desk seemed liked the best idea ever.

The other guy seemed to get he wasn’t in the mood for talking and thankfully left. Jim put his head down on the desk, relishing the cold contact against his cheek. He shut his eyes, willing the room to stop spinning. His mind powers must be rusty because he didn’t achieve anything else than aggravating his headache.

The teacher’s entrance put a merciful end to the surrounding noise. Jim had never realized they could all be so loud. Soon, his voice rose and lowered, a rather soothing tempo. He didn’t notice he was slipping into sleep until he was abruptly awoken.

“Cadet Kirk!”

Raising his head from the desk so brutally proved to be a mistake. Of course, raising it at all was probably a mistake but Jim wasn’t in any shape to react rationally.

“Do you think my class is the perfect place to sleep off your excesses? Because, if so, I will kindly ask you to do it elsewhere.” The teacher’s voice was dripping with contempt.

“No…sir,” Jim forced out. He was pretty sure he sounded like a dying out battery and was well past caring. Why couldn’t people let him be sick in peace?

“In case you are too thick minded to understand, you’re dismissed, Cadet.” The words took a few seconds to compute in Jim’s brain. While technically he would have been happy to comply, never mind the unfairness of it all, he didn’t see how he was going to make it to the door without passing out.

On the other hand, he didn’t really have a choice, did he?

The floor which rushed to his face was almost welcome. He couldn’t fall any lower.

***

_“James, making choices can be hard. It will be hard. It is already so. However, the reward is worth the risk.”_

_“The risk? You’re killing people! You’re committing a mass genocide. That’s your choice, but it’s not a risk, Governor. It’s the worst decision in the world.” A younger Jim spits out the words._

_The man’s face hardens._

_“Good or bad, making a decision means you live with the consequences, James. Would you want to have this on your conscience?”_

_“No, of course not!”_

_“Then isn’t it better that I’m the one living with the consequences?_

_The hole in the man’s logic is gaping, Jim is sure of it, and yet he can’t quite pinpoint it._

_“Wouldn’t it have been better to not make that decision at all?”_

_“Necessary sacrifices, young James. The Vulcans have a saying that sums things up quite well: “the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the one or the few.” On this, I’m in complete agreement.”_

_Jim wants to reply none of this would have been necessary had he properly prepared the colony, with the necessary supplies, rather than pursuing a stupid eugenist dream. To his horror, his tongue weighs a ton in his mouth, everything is dark around him, he can’t even scream for help. Who would come anyway?_

_A different room, with huge windows shedding light on everything. Incongruous. Some things should stay in the dark, but evil doesn’t wait for the cover of the night, Jim supposes. Still, the giant windows give a softer edge to whatever is being said in that room. They make them sound reasonable. It’s frightening._

_He turns around slowly. There is a man sitting in a large chair, legs comfortably crossed. He has a feeling a should remember his names but everything that comes is the Governor. The Governor is very thin, with dark eyes that seem to see in Jim’s soul, observing every hurt, every scar, every insecurity._

_“James.” Jim wants to answer he doesn’t like being called James. He finds he can’t. He wants to leave but his limbs are unresponsive._

_“It has been a long time since we have spoken to each other. Have you been thinking on my offer?” Jim wants to tell him to go to hell but he has no mastery over his mouth. He wants to fight but there is no fight left in him._

_He watches his friends go. No. Not his friends. The persons he had sworn to himself he would protect. He has failed everything and everyone. He doesn’t know whether he wants another chance to make things right or he should die here and now and avoid making mistakes which could potentially lead to people’s death._

_He watches them die. One after the other. Each one a new failure on his part. Each one a fresh injury on his soul. Maybe he wants to follow them. Maybe he wants to keep fighting._

_Abigail is so thin in his arms. She weighs little more than a feather and her skin is taking an unhealthy grey colour, her lips dry and her hair brittle. Even if they were rescued now, it might very well be too late._

_The Governor is back, his hands neatly folded in his back, a satisfied smile on his severe features._

_“Do you understand now, James,” he says. “Do you understand the choices?”_

_Perhaps he does._

_He is on the starship Enterprise. He will never say that to anyone but it’s a beautiful ship. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t want out. He doesn’t deserve to be there. He doesn’t deserve their kindness. The Governor is there and watches everything._

_“See, James? See what they are doing to you? Do you truly want to be one of them? Your call, James, your choice. Always your choice.”_

_There is the Governor vice-like grip on his wrist. There is someone else stroking his hair. They are both scary. Running is his choice._

_Living in the streets is uncomplicated. There is worrying about finding food, staying safe, but he is responsible only for his life. The last thing he wants is to have to care for someone else. They would end up dead. If some come to him for help, he helps them. And then he sends them on their way. He won’t be responsible for their death. He won’t be responsible for their life._

_The academy would be a nice place without the Governor everywhere, watching his every move. Forcing Jim to walk in his steps._

_And there is Gary. His features slowly melt in the Governor’s face. Jim screams. He is inside his head. He claws at his face, trying to force him out. He only succeeds at making the blood flow out of him. Dark red, thick and metallic. It is fascinating, in its own way. Jim stops to watch it. It is his life trickling out of him. This is how it should have been from the start._

***

“Jim! Jim! Stop that!” The words slowly seeped inside his tired mind. The concerned voice was real. This was reality. He went limp in the grip around his wrists.

He struggled to open his eyes. They felt glued together. He batted them a few times rapidly, trying to make out who was holding him down.

He opened his mouth, fruitlessly trying to call out a question.

“You’re in the infirmary, Jim, and you really need to calm down.” The voice was trying for soothing, now. It only served to send Jim in a flailing panic.

He felt the sting of the hypo for a mere second before calm washed over him.

Bones. The good, ever-so-loyal doctor was staying at his side, a concerned frown wrinkling his whole face, the hypo still in hand. Jim blinked again. Things were making more sense now but it was still confusing, still blurry around the edge.

“Jim? You there now?”

“Yiss,” he rasped.

Bones handed him a glass of water he gratefully drowned. He pressed the cool glass against the skin of his neck.

“Feeling any better?” The uncharacteristic sharpness in the doctor’s words made Jim raise his head abruptly.

“Yeah, thanks.” He didn’t quite know what to add.

“Fine. Then, could you please bother to tell me what the hell happened?”

“Uh… You’d know better than me. I fainted?” He didn’t try to keep the questioning note out of his voice.

“Damn well you did, kid! And don’t try to be all smart about it because you’ve been a real idiot. When you were feeling unwell, why didn’t you, at least, talk to me?”

“I wasn’t feeling unwell.”

Bone’s eyes narrowed in a very worrying fashion.

“You weren’t feeling unwell? Truly? So, if I were to ask you now, you’d say you’re peachy?”

Jim shifted on the bed, the rustling sound of the sheets bringing him no small amount of unease.

“Not peachy, but I’m OK.”

Jim repressed a smile at the sight of the doctor spreading slightly his feet, as if preparing for combat.

“What happened to you, Jim, that pale as a ghost in the Academy infirmary bed means ‘OK’?” He waved his hands mockingly to indicate the inverted commas.

“I can breathe, I can move, to me it’s pretty good.” He was pushing his luck, he knew. On the other hand, what else could he say? ‘My standard reference is ‘if it’s better than on Tarsus IV it’s good’’? Not sure it was a good idea.

The doctor’s frown creased even more until the lines went so deep they made him look like a particularly angry pug.

“Let me explain something to you, James Tiberius Kirk, since you insist on acting like a kid. You were brought here after passing out in your classroom. You were severely dehydrated, malnourished, your iron, magnesium, serotonin and pretty much anything levels were so low it’s a wonder you didn’t pass out before, you hit your head hard enough you were a head trauma risk. What’s your answer to this?”

Jim listened to the speech with increasing anger. It swelled until it prickled under his skin, ready to get out. What right did McCoy have to give him that kind of lesson. It was his body, his mind, and ultimately his life. And he had been responsible for himself for years. Fuck him!

The thought had barely crossed his mind he regretted it. Bones had only acted out of friendly and professional concern.

“You’re right, of course,” he offered, trying to appease the doctor. From the shaking in his sturdy frame, it wasn’t a won battle.

“Like hell, I am. I should be kicking your ass to Iowa and back. What went through your mind?”

Good question, actually. Jim pondered it for several seconds. What had he been thinking? He hadn’t been thinking, apparently. He pinched his lips, trying to recall how it had started. He had been fine before Gary, fine after meeting him. It had really started to go down a few weeks after. Was there a link? He was startled out his thoughts by the sound of the door opening.

Chris. A dark expression on his face. Of course. Jim squared his shoulders reflexively, preparing himself for an onslaught of words.

It never came.

Chris watched him with the same heartbroken look he had worn on the Entreprise all these years ago.

Quietly, he walked to the bed and sat beside it. Jim couldn’t shake the feeling Chris was actually buying time. Bones slipped outside the room, gently closing the door behind him.

“How are you?” Jim’s eyes widened slightly. He had expected a good dressing down, had feared quiet disappointment. Clearly, he had been wrong on both counts. On the other hand, maybe he should have expected this reaction.

“Fine. I’m fine, thank you.”

“Are you?” Chris’ voice was perfectly neutral.

“Yes,” he shot back. Why did people keep saying they knew better than him how he was?

“Very well. Then you’re ready to have the discussion we should have had since the beginning?”

Oops. No.

“Which one?” If he had hoped to make Chris smile, he had missed his mark.

The older man squared himself in his chair, anger obvious in his every gesture.

“Don’t give me that attitude, Jim. The one where we consider the fact that you consistently run into the nearest danger despite ample warning and refuse any kind of help.” He leant forward. “Remind you of anything?” he concluded sarcastically.

“I’m not running into danger and I’m not refusing help.”

“It’s a circular argumentation, Jim. I’m so disappointed in you right now…”

Jim shifted on the bed, trying to think of a comeback. He didn’t have any.

“You’re not going back to class before we’ve found an explanation to all that and I’m satisfied you’re actually fine.” Jim made a move to protest. Chris lifted a finger and added “And I’ll be the one deciding you’re fine. Don’t even think you can fool me, Jim.”

“An explanation to what?” He was pushing his luck, he knew, but it was better than dwelling on Chris’ sudden latch on him.

Chris’ face twisted for a second before he breathed deeply, regaining his control.

“Jim,” he started in an exaggeratedly patient voice, “do you realize you have fainted in class for no apparent reason? That your vitals are all over the place and no one can tell why? Have you been sleeping, lately? Eating at all?”

Jim didn’t reply.

“If you won’t speak to me, you’ll have to speak to a counselor. Is that what you want? I seem to recall you’ve no taste for it.”

At this, Jim raised his head abruptly. He opened his mouth, then closed it again. What could he say? ‘I have no idea what happened but I suspect it might be related to my relationship with Gary which I carried on despite your best advice?’ Yeah. That would go well.

Chris sighed.

“Very well. Then let me tell you what I think happened and correct me if I’m wrong.” He waited for a nod from Jim before resuming. “I think you’ve fallen into Cadet Mitchell’s influence, without ever realizing it. I think you might have noticed something was wrong if you weren’t so intent on punishing yourself for things you weren’t responsible for. I think I should have spent more time watching you and not taken the coward way out and avoided a painful discussion.”

“You’re not…” Jim didn’t manage to finish his sentence. Chris talked over him.

“If you can take responsibility for the fate of Tarsus IV, Jim, I can take responsibility for your fate.”

Damn his logic.

“I’m sorry?” he offered in an hesitant voice, fingering his sheet, looking everywhere but at Chris’ sad face.

Chris shook his head slowly.

“Don’t apologize if you don’t understand what you’ve done wrong, kid. And I’m the one who is sorry. I should have been more present, even if you didn’t want me to be.”

He got up and walked to the window. Jim followed his steps in a daze. Chris turned back to face him.

“Now, is there anything you wish to tell me?”

Jim merely watched him. Chris walked back to him and sat on the bed. His eyes were unbearable of compassion. The young man laid his head on the inviting shoulder and Chris started rubbing circles on his back.

They stayed like that for several minutes, in a companionable silence. Jim basked in a warmth he hadn’t felt in years and bit back the tears threatening to fall. He had no reason to cry, now.

“I don’t know what happened.” Breaking the silence felt wrong, somehow, but some things needed to be said. “It was nice at first. I mean, Gary never acted bad toward me. I wouldn’t have let him, anyway.  Then I started becoming incapable of sleeping if I wasn’t at his place and eating if he hadn’t cooked. It was a sort of very weird dependency. He hasn’t fostered it in me, though. I mean… he never said or showed anything that would have led to that. I must have created that on my own.”

He felt Chris tightening his hold around him. He took a steadying breath.

“Am I really so damaged that I sabotage myself, Chris?”

Chris’ embrace was now so tight it was getting hard to breathe. Jim found he didn’t mind.

“No, kid. No, you aren’t,” he whispered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay. So. RL happened. I'm trying. I really, really am. Hopefully, this chapter doesn't entirely suck. In any case, this is the end of the second part. Third part coming soon!


	18. Wringing it for what it's worth

It took Jim two full days to be back, well, not to normal, but to a decent level of energy. It was… an eye opening experience. Being so tired all the time had warped his perception of things, he could see it, now.

Bones had to go to classes but came to see him whenever he had the time and, Jim suspected, quite a few when he would have been better off studying.

And Chris… Well, Chris was an entirely different problem. Didn’t he have a ship to run? Obligations to fulfill? He was stalking him, there was no other word for it.

“Jim, it’s time to eat! What do you want?”

“Jim, why don’t we go for a walk?”

“Jim, did you think to take your medication?” He didn’t even try for faux cheerfulness.

Finally, Jim snapped. “Don’t you have a job to do? You know, like a ship to run, captain stuff to do? Do you have to be behind me all the time?”

Chris turned to him, an oddly serene smile on his face. “No. And yes. Obviously.”

It shouldn’t have made sense and yet it did. Jim guessed it was comforting. More or less. He closed his fist then flattened his hand against the table. He didn’t need to be comforted. He needed to figure out what the hell had happened and how to prevent it from happening ever again.

He stormed out of the warm apartment, wincing at the sharp drop in temperature. He paid it no heed, stubbornly carrying on even when it started to rain. In a matter of minutes, he was drenched.

_“Gary! Stop that!” The laughing cadet paid no attention to his feeble and playful protests and kept on tickling him._

_Gary, backlit, in the kitchen, focused on whatever mixture he was concocting, the sunset elongating his shadow to project it upon every surface._

_Chris’ concerned features. Talking about rumours._

_Sleeping on Gary’s couch. Nightmares somehow kept at bay._

“Fuck!” Jim could only watch helplessly at the transportation vehicle speeding away after spraying him generously with muddy, oily water.

It was…too much. He let himself drop to the sidewalk and started laughing. He laughed until his side ached, until he could feel warm tears mixing themselves with the icy raindrops.

“Cadet? Are you in need of assistance?”

***

“Cadet? Are you in need of assistance?”

Jim opened his mouth to answer reflexively no. Then he noticed the precise, quiet inflexions in the question. It almost brought him back to… He raised his eyes.

A Vulcan. A young one, judging by his appearance. Maybe he would be more easily fooled than Sarek.

“No, thank you.”

The Vulcan raised an eyebrow. God, Jim hadn’t missed that particular quirk.

“You are sitting on a sidewalk, without any kind of raingear and seem to be victim of an intense emotional distress.”

Yeah? His point was?

“I’m fine.”

“Should I call someone at the Academy? A classmate, perhaps?”

“No!” That was the last thing he wanted. A worried Chris, an angry Bones. Tough choice. He snorted at the thought.

“You cannot stay there.”

“I most certainly can.” As he uttered the words, he wondered what was prompting him to say something so stupid. There was being contrary and there was being stubborn without cause.

“If you stay under that weather, there are 97.3 percent chances you are going to fall sick, leading to health and social difficulties. I do not understand why you would want to stay here.”

“Make that a hundred,” he sighed, rising on his feet. “Guess I should go, now. Good evening, sir.” Putting a foot in front of the other was a feat in itself, he was so exhausted.

He blinked and the Vulcan was in front of him.

“Cadet, I am going to take you back to the Academy. Protests are unnecessary as I will not heed them.”

Jim was just so tired.

“’Kay. Will you tell me something, at least?”

The Vulcan didn’t answer before they were inside a cab.

“What is it you wish to know?”

“Are all Vulcans that stubborn?”

“I have been led to believe by my acquaintances that stubbornness is a mostly human trait, one you seem to be displaying with conviction.”

“Well, I don’t know about humans, but you definitely are. Should have left me outside.”

“My mother would certainly agree. After all, I’m part human.”

That woke Jim up.

Part human.

_Part human._

_“I understand human emotions better than most, James. My wife is a human woman and the son she bore me, while completely Vulcan in appearance, has kept several very human idiosyncrasies.”_

How many half Vulcan were there?

Not many, Jim would bet. Maybe even just the one.

“Spock? Spock son of Sarek?” he breathed with incredulity, his voice barely above a whisper. Of all the people in San Francisco, it had to be him who found him.

“You know of me?” The Vulcan, half Vulcan, whatever, didn’t seem overly surprised at being recognized. Which wasn’t surprising in itself.

“I…met your father when I was younger,” Jim replied with reluctance. “He mentioned his wife was human and they had a son together.”

There was a strange shift in the Vulcan, Spock’s demeanour. Not a single muscle that Jim could see moved, his chocolate eyes were as expressionless as ever and yet everything was different.

“You know my name and I do not know yours, cadet.”

“Ah… yeah, right. Sorry. I’m Jim, Jim Kirk.”

New shift in attitude. This time, Jim knew what had brought it up. The Kirk name was still well-known, still revered, still envied. Jim doubted the Vulcan indulged in such petty feelings but, of course, he would recognize his dead father’s name.

He should have changed it a long time ago. It only brought him troubles.

_“I’m sure you’ve been compared to your father so many times when you’re worth so much more than be the mere offspring of a great man. A great man who died.”_

Damn Kodos and his habit of being right.

Jim closed his eyes for a blink then opened them again to meet the Vulcan’s curious gaze. Curious gaze? Very human idiosyncrasies indeed.

“Where do you wish to be left?”

Jim blinked again at the non sequitur.

“Er, the Maerl wing will do, thank you.”

“The Maerl wing is reserved for captains on the ground.”

“I’m well aware of that, Spock. May I call you Spock?” he added, as an afterthought. To call him cadet repeatedly, the guy had to be part of the Academy himself. He wore civilian clothing, though, which meant actually nothing.

“You may.” So much for getting a title. An enigma. One who didn’t look nearly as frightening as Gary.

Oh fuck. Gary. Jim couldn’t believe he had all but forgotten about him in the past two days. He hadn’t craved his presence once. Which was, essentially, good news, but still. It was a stark contrast from the previous weeks. And besides, and that was perhaps the most surprising, where was he? He hadn’t come and visited. Or had Chris vetoed his presence?

“Cadet?”

“Ah, sorry. I guess my mind was elsewhere.”

The Vulcan arched an eyebrow, but gave otherwise no answer.

_“Well, I do hope elsewhere is interesting. Care to share?”_

Jim found he liked the Vulcan’s quiet answer better. His personality wasn’t a burning fire like Gary. It was controlled, restrained being perhaps a better word. His proximity was soothing to Jim’s frazzled nerves. Soothing like his father’s had been, in a more…attainable way.

He smiled. Didn’t get any in answer but he hadn’t been expecting one.

Silence stretched between them. Spock kept looking at Jim. Unsettlingly.

“I have a friend who is currently residing in the Maerl wing. I live with him at the moment.”

“You do not share the cadet dormitory?” There wasn’t any judgment in Spock’s voice. Nor surprise, for that matter.

“Ah… that’s a bit complicated. I got sick a few days ago and he decided I needed to stay away for some time.” And the award of the most awkward explanation went to… Jim Kirk, he thought drily and more than a little panicking. What on Earth made him sound so pathetic! In front of Spock, to top it all! Er, where did that come from?

He wasn’t trying to impress Spock.

As he had dated Gary merely to find out what he wanted from him.

He was fucked.

***

“Jim! Where have been?” Never mind, you need to get warm now. Get out of those clothes and have a hot shower. Take your time. There will be cocoa ready when you’ll get out.” Jim laughed out loud at Chris’ mother hen attitude. He would have expected it from Bones. On Chris, it sounded utterly ridiculous. And maybe a tad sweet, too.

The hot chocolate was a nice touch, though. Wrapping his hands around the steaming mug, Jim steeled himself against the undoubtedly coming verbal assault.

It never came.

“How did you come back?” Chris, the concerned parent. For the first time, it didn’t make Jim panic and want to run away. He supposed it was an improvement. Unless this was actually the scary part. He didn’t quite know.

“I met someone. A Vulcan, well, half-Vulcan. Name’s Spock. Apparently, he is Sarek’s son?”

“Spock brought you back?” The surprise was etched on Chris’ face.

“Er, yes? What’s the matter with that?”

“Nothing. I just have troubles picturing Spock picking up a wet human in the street and bringing him back home. It doesn’t fit with everything I know of him. He isn’t exactly the sort to bring back stray puppies home.”

“Well, he was very nice,” Jim replied, a bit miffed. A stray puppy, really.

“Very nice?”

“Yes.”

“Very nice?”

“Er, Chris? You know you’ve just asked me that?”

“Jim, Spock is a brilliant young man. He has got everything to succeed in everything and he is always, bar cultural misunderstandings I’m pretty sure he deliberately accentuates in order to look more Vulcan, courteous. But nice? I don’t think he understands the concept behind the word, save in the most abstract way, and certainly not in relation to himself.”

“Well, he talked to me first, didn’t let me drown in the rain and put me in a cab. He rode with me and we discussed a bit. While I’m at it, what is his status here? He didn’t give a title or anything, but he seemed to know the Academy pretty well.”

“He has… a complex position. He is still technically a student but is doing a fair deal of teaching and has spent some time in space already. I shouldn’t probably be telling you that, but it is likely he will get a command position in the near future.”

Jim reclined against the back of his chair. Spock was a truly interesting person.

Not that it mattered. The last interesting person who had crossed his path was under suspicion of tampering with his mind. Interesting was something he should run away from.

They would meet again. Even if he had to create the right circumstances.

***

It turned out there was no need to manufacture anything. He could almost call it fate.

He merely had to walk in the student mess three days later. He was carrying his plate, trying to shape a concept by dangerously gesticulating when he felt a tingle of _something_ at the edge of his consciousness.

Instead of following his instinct and whipping around, he kept on going with his explanation, focusing a part of his mind on finding the source of the sudden alert.

Under the pretence of finding a table, he turned around slowly, scanning the crowd.

There.

Looking as composed and focused as the first time, his back straight and his hands neatly put on the table. He seemed to be listening intently to something the person in front of him (a teacher?) was telling him.

Jim adjusted his grip on his plate. He had no right to involve himself in this and yet… yet it should be him Spock was listening to with so much attention. The thought came to him unbidden. He bit his lips and shook his head. Where did that come from?

_“Attention, Jim.”_

_“Sorry, what?”_

_“Everyone had something that makes them move. Something that can be both positive and very ugly. For you, it’s attention. You want people to notice you.”_

He had denied it at the time. After all, he hadn’t spent all these years in hiding because he was craving attention. But now… Now maybe his damn psychiatrist had a point.

_“Why do you want them to notice you?”_

He hadn’t given an answer at the time. Oh, he could have said it made him feel safer in a perverse way. He could have said he was an arrogant, attention-seeking brat. He could have said a lot of things. And he would have definitely missed the most interesting of them all. Attention was warmth and attention was safety in being someone’s world. Which was its own brand of dangerous, of course, but that was beside the point. Or was it?

He put an end to his mental ramble and walked decidedly to Spock’s and his companion’s table. He donned his brightest smile, then toned it down. He was going to talk to a Vulcan, for Pete’s sake. Let’s have some cultural sensitivity.

“Hello Spock!”

He watched in fascination as Spock put calmly his glass down and answered before even turning around

“Good morning, James.”

What the hell?

Oh. _Oh._ He had noticed him coming inside the mess. He had recognized his voice, perhaps even watched his approach.

Well, didn’t that change things. And what with the “James” thing?

Ah… there was only one thing left, right?

“Good morning, Spock!”

“You have already greeted me once, James. Is there anything you would require of me?”

Despite the less than welcoming sentence, the tone wasn’t dismissive.

“Just wanted to say thank you for, you know, the other night.”

“Gratitude is unnecessary. One doesn’t thank logic.”

“So giving me a ride home was logical?” That Vulcan had one very warped sense of logic.

“You needed it and I was able to provide.” Something Jim couldn’t quite recognize fleeted through the Vulcan’s eyes.

“Still, that was nice. If there is anything I could do for you…” he let his voice trail, unsure of what to add. What could he actually offer Spock?

“I will make sure to refer to you.”

 _Uh?_ Jim just stayed rooted on the spot. Getting Spock to accept he owed him something _had_ been the point of the exercise. Obtaining it so easily was… unexpected. To say the least.

He recovered as gracefully as he could and smiled sincerely.

“Then I won’t importune you any further, Commander. Have a nice day.”

Spock merely nodded in answer.

He walked away with a sense of victory. He had wanted to make an impression. It appeared he had.

***

“Jim… if you don’t talk to me, we’ll never manage to discover what truly happened. I thought you wanted to figure things out to put them behind you.”

“I do,” he protested. He did. He just didn’t particularly want to have to talk about it. Especially now as his mind was elsewhere. Drifting to a certain Vulcan. That was the last thing he wanted to speak about accidentally. Well, maybe not the absolute last thing, but very close behind.

Dr Werner’s face was calm, a perfect testament to his chosen profession. Jim was getting sick of it.

“Jim, I feel there is a misunderstanding. I’m not here as your psychiatrist, though, should you choose to speak with me about any subject of your choosing, I would listen. I’m here in the course of an official investigation of your dealings with Cadet Mitchell. So far, he hasn’t been accused of anything and nothing is preventing him to harm someone else, if he actually is guilty of something.”

“I know that.” He also knew psychiatrists. ‘Nuff said.

“Could you run through me your first meeting again, please? The tiniest details could help us understand what happened.”

Jim sighed theatrically, regaining a bit of energy at the fleeting dismay in the psychiatrist’s eyes.

“Ooookay. So I was sitting in the…”

***

This was a waste of time of stellar proportions.  Jim rubbed his forehead with the palm of his hand, trying to dispel the headache he could feel forming there.

Gary hadn’t done anything. They wouldn’t find anything. In the meantime, he was the one feeling unwell.

Gary might be a little weird with his mind powers but that didn’t mean he had tampered with Jim. Gary had been nice and relatively safe once he had gotten to know him. He might have had reservation at the beginning but he had been nothing if nice and gentle and respectful of boundaries. Besides, he certainly wasn’t that powerful.

He sighed, more discreetly and sincerely this time. He wanted to go back to class. He missed playing the social butterfly, having people around him.

He was ready to step in his Jim Kirk, future starship captain, persona again.

He was ready to shine again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So Spock is here! Finally!  
> I have the grandmother of all headaches though and proofreading is the first victim so I apologise if there are any glaring mistakes.


	19. Dabbing a few drops on your chapped lips

Coming back was the right decision. Of that, Jim was sure. Not that Chris, or Medical for that matter, had seen things in the same light. They had needed some… help in seeing things his way. But they had come along, eventually. Good to know he hadn’t lost his persuasive abilities from forced inaction.

He was busy. Running everywhere. And he loved every second of it.

Oddly enough, he hadn’t seen head or tail of Gary since his return and no one even seemed to question his absence.

No progress had been made on the investigation front. Jim strongly suspected Gary had been asked to take a leave of absence, to make himself scarce for some time and that nothing would ever be proven.

He didn’t know how he felt about it, but he was content with the situation as it was. More or less.

And then there was Spock. Jim was pretty sure they weren’t doing it purposely, but they always seemed to meet. Everyday. If only passingly, time enough to exchange greetings. It was nice. It gave Jim a sense of routine, something he would have thoroughly loathed, even a few weeks ago and he now relished it without qualms.

He could see him right now, in fact. Strolling through the Academy’s green grass, seemingly unbothered by the quickly cooling temperature, striding with confidence.

Jim had no doubt the Vulcan could see him clearly. He smiled at him. Wasted perhaps, though Spock never seemed fazed by the blatant display of emotion. Then again, nothing ever seemed to trouble him. Sometimes, Jim wished he’d see him lose his composure.

The fact that it would be a Very Bad Idea, on par with throwing a car off a cliff and standing up against a power hungry dictator didn’t factor in this. _Not at all._

Anyway, this didn’t explain why Spock was now strolling toward him. And did he look slightly less forbidding? _Nah._ That had to be a light effect.

“James. Good morning.”

He swallowed.

“Good morning, Spock.” He wanted to add something witty, clever, smart. He came up with nothing.

“You came to the seminar on interstellar electromagnetism. From your questions, you sounded interested in the subject. I wanted to inform you there is going to be another session on the same topic on Friday evening, at 0700 in the Mesneer room.”

Jim felt the muscles in his cheeks stretch from their own volition in a bright smile.

“It’s a date! Thanks for the info, Spock. That was most thoughtful of you.” He could have slapped himself at his poor choice of words.

“There is no need to thank me for taking notice of your own interest.” And trust the Vulcan to turn around the situation. It was almost…gallant. Before Jim could add anything, Spock nodded and walked away.

Jim stared at his retreating back, faintly aware of the whispers behind his back.

***

Unlike the first seminar, there were only a dozen people in the Mesneer room. Jim recognized several leading figures in the Science section in Starfleet. Judging by their stares, it was pretty obvious they weren’t expecting a student here.

“Cadet Kirk? I must ask you to leave the premises. It’s on invitation only.”

“I was invited,” Jim protested with his most blinding smile.

From his interlocutor’s narrowed lips, she clearly didn’t believe him. Before she could reply, he added, with more precipitation than intended: “By Commander Spock.”

She raised an incredulous eyebrow.

“Commander Spock invited you to a discussion on electromagnetism.” Her voice was flat.

 “Yes, Ma’am.”

“Do you truly expect me to believe that, Cadet Kirk?” OK, that hurt maybe a bit. Jim chewed his teeth. He had some sense of honour, dammit. He wouldn’t lie about something unimportant. And he wouldn’t involve Spock in that.

Which Lt Summers couldn’t know. Jim took a deep breath.

“Commander Spock noticed I was interested in the subject and was kind enough to invite me.” _Ah, once again, poor choice of words, Kirk,_ he berated himself. Since kindness didn’t seem to be a widely recognized virtue in Spock, it wouldn’t do a thing to convince the Lieutenant of his good faith.

He opened his mouth to correct the first impression when a presence behind his back made him turn around.

“Commander Spock!” His relief pierced through his voice, shrill and unwanted.

“Cadet Kirk. Good evening. I look forward to your contribution.” Spock didn’t linger, swiftly and gracefully striding to his designated chair.

Lt Summers’ baffled face was a pleasure to behold.

***

The back of his chair was painfully digging in his back. Jim paid it no heed, focused on the discussion. It was, as promised, interesting. Heated even. He repressed a smile at the most bitter comments, knowing how unsavoury Spock had to find them.

It engaged his whole mind, something that no one had managed to accomplish in a long time.

Not since Kodos. Clearly, sometimes, boredom was a good thing.

“How can you be so stupid? It can’t work because your primary equation is wrong, you mathematically-challenged ape!”

He was definitely not bored, right now.

“Please, gentlemen. Have some correction, befitting your position. You’re Starfleet’s brightest, not a bunch of monkeys.”

Jim bit his hand to refrain from laughing out loud at the moderator’s lips pursed in a disgusted grimace.                                                          

He gave Spock a side glance. The Vulcan was seemingly listening intently to the discussion. Watching a bit more closely, he noticed an unusual stillness in him. Spock wasn’t prone to fidgeting or restlessness, but he was full of energy and his current position, still and unbearably square had to be painful.

Jim smiled internally at the thought. He knew something about Spock no one else did. Now, how to better exploit the knowledge?

He shifted his attention back on the scene. Maybe it was time to put in his two credits…

“Gentlemen, I was wondering about…”

***

“Thank you, Spock. It was nice.”

He couldn’t see the raised eyebrow in the dark, but he could almost hear it.

“Nice? My esteemed colleagues have spent the most part of the evening discussing their conviction with more heat than required. Your choice of words is odd.”

“Still… it was interesting, squabbling and bickering included. It’s how science is done on Earth. It adds a certain flavor to the process.” It was how pretty much everything was done on Earth but Jim didn’t see any reason to point that out. Spock most likely knew it already.

“You managed to get them back to the task at hand and elicit a deeper reflection. There is a 70.1 % chance that it’s going to leave way to new theories in the next semester. You have been of great help, James.”

“That’s why you invited me, right?” Jim shook his head slightly. “I’m glad I could help. And I’m glad I came.”

He watched Spock’s features with attention. They didn’t shift, per se. It didn’t make the change any less visible.

“I am gratified you appreciated the opportunity to debate on a subject of interest.” There, if Jim didn’t know any better, he would have sworn Spock hesitated. “Perhaps, you would care to exchange theories again, in a more controlled environment?”

Cold spread through Jim’s limbs, then retreated, leaving him somewhat light-headed.

“I… would care, yes, Spock. I think I would.”

“Then I shall set a date. Until then, James, I bid you a restful night.”

Jim nodded in return.

A restful night? Damn unlikely.

***

“Jim?”

“Hmmm?” Jim didn’t bother to lift his eyes from his plate. If Chris went to all this trouble to make him eat healthily, the least he could do was let him enjoy it.

“How are things for you?”

“What d’ya mean?”

“Don’t speak with your mouth full,” Chris chided absently. “And you know perfectly well what I mean. Two months ago, you were lying, pale as a ghost, on a bio bed. Forgive me if I’m a bit concerned.”

“I’m fine.” Jim stuffed his mouth with a forkful of broccoli. Quite tasty actually and a good excuse to avoid saying anything else for a few seconds, the time to think of something appropriate to answer.

“Is that going to be your default answer for the rest of your life?” Chris sighed wearily. “No, don’t answer that. I know what you’re going to say. ‘You have no idea what I’m talking about, you don’t see the problem with saying you’re fine since everything is well…’ Am I correct so far?”Sarcasm coated his words.

“Well… everything is fine and I’m fine, so I don’t see why I shouldn’t say it.”

“Oh, Jim, ‘Boy who never cried wolf’”

Jim opened his mouth to ask for an explanation when Chris shook his head.

“I’ve heard you’ve spent some time with Spock, lately.”

Jim put back his fork on his plate and surveyed the dessert tray, trying to determine what would go best with what he had already eaten. No need to give himself more allergies. He grabbed an apple and threw it flippantly in the air before catching it back and biting into it.

“Yeah… well, I can’t say we’re spending time together. He invited me once to a scientific discussion because he had noticed my interest in the subject, that’s all.”

“I’m glad you’re making friends.”

Jim slowed down his chewing until it became mechanical. The sincerity in Chris’ voice was almost painful.

It wasn’t hard to understand what Chris was referring to. He guessed making friends kind of lost its appeal when you kept losing them.

When you were unable to keep them alive.

Chris’ eyes betrayed only concern and genuine affection. A wave of feelings threatened to block his throat. He swallowed before answering.

“It’s nice.”

Chris nodded quietly.

***

Finals were a bitch. And they made Jim want to laugh. A bit hysterically perhaps, but laugh nonetheless. He needed it.

Cramming four years of study in three was definitely not his best decision ever. Though, considering his track records where decisions were concerned, maybe that wasn’t too surprising.

The dorm didn’t look like anything even remotely presentable now. Jim hoped with fervor no one would decide on a surprise inspection. The state it was in was definitely cause for expulsion on ground of endangering the students’ lives by way of unsanitary conditions. Yes, it was that bad. Striking that Bones hadn’t even noticed. Jim gave him three hours of sleep after his last exam before fretting about the state of their shared room.

In the meantime, his last exam was ethics. Wonderful.

***

“Question number 1: You are responsible for a number of people comprised between ten and thirty. You and these persons find yourselves in a life-threatening situation, where help is unlikely to ever come in time or at all, where there are sick and injured people and supplies are dwindling quickly. Outline your decisions and explain them.”

Jim froze, his hand hovering over the screen.

_“And what are you going to do when your last cache of food will have been used?”_

_Akiak, pushing a few kids in front of her with a determined look on her face._

_“Your lives mean slow death to the more valued members of the colony. Therefore, I have no alternative but to sentence you to death.”_

_Logan, throwing Abigail in his arms and begging him to keep her safe._

_His own heart pounding in his ears, blood rushing to his head, forcing him to act._

_Take people to safety. Save them._

_“You always have choices, James. The problem is actually making them.”_

Tarsus IV was a series of inhuman, very deliberate decisions and also an accumulation of personal bad decisions. There can’t be a good decision, only degrees in bad ones.

Mine, he couldn’t add. There was a hell for bad decision-makers and it was called living. Surviving.

Thirst for power and responsibilities didn’t do well together. There wasn’t any miracle solution to that kind of life-threatening situation. The most that could be done was behaving as decently as possible and survive as long as necessary.

He didn’t cry as he was writing his essay. He sent it in a cold daze and walked mechanically out of the exam center.

He didn’t hear his classmates calling for him, wanting to compare and discuss answers.

He didn’t hear his com ringing, signaling a call from Bones.

He heard the wind howling, not as cold as the one on Tarsus IV, though.

He heard the soft crying of Abigail, who hadn’t learnt yet not to waste water.

He heard Kodos’ precise diction exposing to him his designs and his reasons.

He didn’t hear Spock arriving and didn’t even startle when the Vulcan appeared in front of him.

He didn’t react in any way to any of his calls. He didn’t even react when Spock put a light hand on his shoulders and stirred him toward an area of the Academy he had never seen before. Nor as he was sat down on a couch and covered with a knitted blanket.

He was lost in a world full of emaciated faces and hungry stares, looking up to him to find something, anything, any form of sustenance. Weak preys. Victims of circumstances.

_“You’re not a victim but you’re making yourself into one.”_

He was still rocking himself on the couch when Chris arrived.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm kind of sorry for using that ethics class question cliché. But it works so well *whiny voice*  
> Also I know I have disappeared for like two whole months and have little to show for it. My laptop died on me and while I didn't lose anything of import (yay back-up), I had to use my work laptop, which is, really, not optimal.  
> Plus, the past few months have been dreadfully busy, wich didn't help at all. I know that's no proper apology, but sorry? *sheepish eyes*


	20. Gentle waves, licking at the edges

Though he was faintly aware of his presence, Jim gave no outward sign he had noticed Chris’ arrival. He wasn’t capable of expanding the energy. The older man sat at his side, unobtrusively. Jim was grateful for it. He didn’t feel up to talking. He certainly didn’t feel up to listening either.

Gradually, the blur around his vision receded and he became able to see properly his surroundings again. He was sitting in a smallish room, not small enough to be claustrophobic but certainly not big enough to house comfortably the three persons currently there. Spock was sitting on a kind of rocking chair, his face as blank as ever. Jim didn’t fail to notice, however, the way his knuckles where definitely white on his green-tinged skin. The walls were a pale yellow, an oddly sunshiny colour for a Vulcan. It clashed awfully against his skin. Well, it was unlikely Spock cared about that kind of petty detail. Jim didn’t know what to make out of it. Then again, he didn’t know what to make out of Spock, so perhaps, it wasn’t so surprising.

He gripped the knit blanket tighter around him, inhaled the scent clinging to it. It was reminiscent of Spock, lighter somehow. The wool was soft and the blanket had obviously been hand knit. Every stitch was perfectly done though it lacked the regularity of machine-made fabric. The work of a caring relative, perhaps? It was hard to imagine a Vulcan grandmother, knitting needles in hands but, since he had a human mother, maybe she was the one who had made it.

Jim wondered briefly what she was like. He kept meaning to look her up. She was, after all, the human wife of a Federation ambassador, a _Vulcan_ Federation ambassador. There had to be plenty of documentation available on her. He kept postponing it, though. It seemed disrespectful somehow, prying in the life of a person who had, unknowingly, already done so much for him.

He noticed he could wriggle his toes freely. Someone, probably Spock, had taken off his shoes. Reflexively, he brought them up on the couch, tucking them under his legs.

Chris’ blue eyes followed his move. He could feel them on him, feel Chris taut, ready to say something and refraining. Probably fearful of hurting him.

Well, if he wanted to not be treated like a damsel in distress, maybe he should stop acting like one.

“Sorry,” he offered. And grimaced internally at how pitiful he sounded. At least, his voice wasn’t trembling.

“What are you sorry for, James?” Jim had expected Chris to be the first one to react, had expected Spock to take the time to observe the situation before acting.

Obviously, he had been very wrong. Which raised the question of how many things he had been wrong about.

Too many, he knew, and the list was likely to grow exponentially in the months to come. The more decisions he made, the more he risked making the wrong one.

_“I have no doubt you will survive this and one day, you’ll have to make difficult decisions, too. You can and will accomplish great things and great things imply choices. Don’t let emotional difficulties bar you the path to your own potential. Think of all you could do to improve the world with it.”_

Damn Kodos for being right. Perhaps, the most fitting tribute to all who died there was to follow that path. On his terms, not Kodos’.

“I’m sorry for taking so long to understand.” Cryptic, maybe, but Chris would get it.

Chris got it, visibly. And from his obvious lack of confusion, so did Spock. He must have looked a few things up. Jim knew there weren’t many records of his time on Tarsus IV. Between him and Chris, they had managed to erase most of them. However, a determined person, with a rather clear idea of what they were looking for and vast skills in hacking could still find out.

Spock had the vast skills and was observant enough to know what he was looking for. And apparently, he was determined.

Jim mused briefly on the why before settling on the most important thing.

Carefully, he leant on the side and pressed Chris’ hand in his own. He meant to convey his gratitude for the unwavering support, for the kindness he probably didn’t deserve. Chris’ larger hand shook slightly in his, reminding him the older man had been through a lot. Because of him.

It was time to make amends.

He didn’t even have the time to open his mouth. It seemed Spock had finished mulling over the appropriate answer. He was sitting straighter in his weird chair, his feet set just so on the ground.

“Apologies are unnecessary. You did not wrong any of us. While your decisions might have been highly illogical, they are no cause for excuses. “

“He is right, Jim.” Chris’ grave voice intervened. “And I will add this. You’re going to be a captain, one day. I know it. You’re made for this. But you need to learn so many things. And one of them is to accept your own decisions. Good or bad. Sometimes, every choice is wrong. Sometimes, you make the best decision you can and it turns out to be an unmitigated disaster. But no one can blame you for it, especially not you, because you have made that decision based on the information you possessed at the time. You can’t be faulted for incomplete or perverted intelligence.

What I’m trying to tell you, is that you’re going to have to make choices and to live with them. And to forgive yourself for them. If you don’t, it’s going to eat you from the inside and instead of being the brilliant commanding officer I know you’ll be one day, you’ll end up a wreck before you’re thirty. Don’t do that to yourself.”

Jim blinked slowly through the edges of the fog still permeating his brain. What Chris was saying was actually, possibly, making a lot of sense. And was perhpas the longest speech he had heard from the man.

Chris’eyes were unbearable of understanding and compassion.

For the first time in years, Jim wished he had the power to go back in time. Undo the past and rewrite it.

He smiled at the thought. He would probably wreak havoc in the timeline.

It was good to still have the ability to mess with stuff outside his own head, though.

***

They ended up staying at Spock for the rest of the night, a mug of steaming tea in hand. Jim winced at the slightly acidic taste at first, then decided it was a great drink. At least, it wasn’t giving him any allergy. Always a plus.

They spoke of everything and nothing. Jim wouldn’t have pegged Spock as being able of making small talk. Once again, he had been wrong. Well, this hadn’t been small talk, not really. Just not particularly relevant or organized. He had shared some memories of the colony, its people. Its hardships. Its small joys, as well. He mentioned Logan, for the first time.

He didn’t say how much he still missed him, in that dull, perpetual, ache. They knew, anyway.

He talked about brave Akiak, maternal Sophie O’Connell, courageous Abigail.

He stressed the hunting parties and their comical jumps after bugs to avoid pointing at the hunger that had driven them to this extremity.

Spock asked questions in that dry, precise, scientific way of his. Jim knew it was his way of caring.

Chris didn’t ask anything. He merely sat there, watching Jim with sad eyes. It hurt to see him so pained and yet it helped to have the sorrow shared.

***

Jim shook himself. It was very late and they were falling asleep quickly. Well, he was and Chris wasn’t far behind. He could see him nodding off. Spock on the other hand… was watching them with undisguised interest. Or perhaps Jim had just gotten very good at reading him.

They looked at each other.

“Jim, will you be all right?” Jim gave a sad smile at the question. How so very like Chris to still worry about him when he was about to drop dead from lack of sleep.

Before he could even consider a suitable answer, Spock stood up.

“James is tired and would not benefit from the walk back to his dorm.” He turned to face Jim and added: “It would only be logical you stay the night here. There is a guest room available and I’ll endeavor to make your stay there restful.”

On one hand it reeked a bit too much of…something else, but on the other, it was very tempting and it was Spock, not Gary, pretty, unstable and manipulative Gary.

He waved his hand.

“Yeah, sure. Go home and get some sleep. I don’t have anything to do tomorrow, unlike you. Don’t worry about me.”

“Technically, it’s already today,” Chris answered with a badly hidden yawn.

Jim opened wide eyes in mock horror.

“Spock! Get out of that body.”

He didn’t even have to turn around to see Spock’s raised eyebrow.

“Captain Pike is correct: it is 0432am. I do not understand how it is related to any possession of his body by my consciousness. If it is a cultural misunderstanding, please know that Vulcans do not have that ability.”

Jim laughed.

It felt good.

***

Spock handed Jim a last cup full of a brownish liquid. Bringing it to his nose, Jim didn’t detect any noticeable scent. He drank it carefully at first, a cautious sip, then another, his hands seeking the cool warmth of the varnished recipient.

“It’s good. What is it?” He lifted the cup to underline his words.

Spock’s eyebrows were in danger of disappearing definitely, never to be seen again. Jim chuckled.

“You drink first then think to ask?”

“Is that not the time you inform me it’s poison and I’m going to die an atrocious and painful death?” Jim’s brain seemed determined to find the thought highly amusing. Judging by his pinched lips, Spock didn’t.

“I have no desire to poison you and, should I need to end your life, I would not choose such an inefficient method.”

“Ah.” Jim tried and come up with a more eloquent answer. He failed.

“This drink is a mild Vulcan relaxant. It is usually given to children who, because of their lack of training and discipline, have troubles sleeping. It is not poisonous to humans as I saw my mother drink it many times.”

“It’s kind of like warm milk and honey, then?” A weak, mostly blurry, memory of Sophia O’Connell, preparing the soft drink for the whole family, grimacing at the dry aftertaste of powdered milk. To him, it had felt like he was part of the family, curled up on the makeshift couch, pressed against Logan, his homework on his lap.

Spock tilted his head on the side. Or maybe his vision was starting to swim.

“My mother likened it to that drink. However, when I researched it, I could not find any chemical property of that mix that would induce relaxation the way tar’vah tea does.”

Jim handed him back the cup before he dropped it.

“I guess it’s about the love you put in there. She made it with a lot of it inside.” His speech was getting slurred.

“James, the room is behind you.” Jim blinked slowly. So tired. Not possible to think anymore.

He watched in exhausted fascination as Spock stepped forward and steered him toward the room. His hands were warm against his skin. The part of his mind still capable of more or less coherent thought tried to compute that. Vulcans never touched people. That was kind of a rule. Why? It was so nice. This one, at least, was so nice. Warm and soothing and strong and…

He let himself fall on the bed and sighed in contentment.

“Have a restful night, James,” was the last thing he heard before his body decided to shut down completely.

He dreamt of Spock. Watching him, watching over him. This was a good dream.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am going abroad next week for some time. I have no idea if I'll be able to upload anything, but rest assured I'll try.  
> This is definitely not my best chapter. Jim's thought patterns are all over the deck, he is tired and not making much sense, even to himself. I tried and reflect that, but it slowed down the scene something awful.   
> On the plus side, next chapter is just Jim and Spock and talking. And the plot coming back online, at last :)

**Author's Note:**

> Come and say Hi on [Tumblr](http://cuddlykoalas.tumblr.com/).


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